Closed Mouth Don't Get Fed

If a dude is bored on a Friday night, chances are he’ll call one of his boys to see what’s up for the night. Is there anywhere they can go where there may be a chance of them picking up some new women at the bar/club? Because the only thing better than pu**y, is new pu**y. If that falls through, then he’ll likely scroll through his contact list to find someone who can get his rocks off real quick. It might not be something new, but it’s better than none. If that doesn’t work out, then chances are he’s probably just gonna pour up, possibly smoke on something, rub one out to soft core porn on Skinemax, and play Call of Duty until he falls asleep. It might not be as good an actual woman, but at least he doesn’t have to worry about having to think of a way to leave or get her out of his place when he’s done. This is the life of 95% of single men on weekends.

A woman, on the other hand, when bored on a Friday night will call some poor unsuspecting young man up, who thinks he has a chance to get some, and will coerce him into taking her to dinner. Not because she necessarily likes the guy, but simply because she wants something to eat and doesn’t want to pay for it herself. I’m warning all of the guys out there to please beware of the dinner whore. Urban Dictionary describes her as:

“A girl who is exclusively after a free meal or an expensive gift. She actively seeks out dates with well-off men who will wine and dine her at upscale restaurants. She is usually physically attractive enough to make the man fall for her feminine wiles. She will rarely have sex with these men until they spend a certain number of dollars on her. Nobody knows exactly what that number is, so the man keeps spending and spending, while the dinner whore keeps living it up.”

I will readily acknowledge that men use women too, but it’s totally different. When a man uses a woman, it’s likely for sex and little more than that. But if the woman keeps coming back for more sex then that more than likely means she’s getting some kind of enjoyment out of it too. In this case, everybody wins, so technically no one has done anything wrong. In the case of the dinner whore however, the guy has no idea he’s being used. In his mind since he’s taking her on all these dates, there must be something brewing here. He might start catching feelings. He might start following her to clubs in an unmarked car with pajamas on. Not that I’ve ever done that, but I’m saying it could happen to anybody.

The bad thing is, I can’t even place all the blame on the dinner whore. She’s just hustling as best as she knows how. Unfortunately, there remain simps out there in this world who will continue to pay and pay and pay for this woman’s company without even getting remotely close to any type of intercourse. Not even a rub and tug. So what do we regular guys do with all these gassed up women, who think their conversation alone is good enough to get a free meal out of us? Watch for the warning signs. Chances are, if after the second or third date, she hasn’t offered to pay up then she’s using you. If she only talks about herself and constantly refers to the expensive things she owns, then she is using you. If she constantly refers to herself as an “Independent Woman” then she’s using you. In the words of my boy V Mac, “If you have to say it, it ain’t true.” If she shows little interest in your life/work/interests/etc, then yes, she probably is using you. If you notice a pattern of the men she’s dated are something like: lawyer/doctor/athlete/rapper, but she’s a bartender, she’s probably just looking for somebody to trick some cash off on her. Side note: If SHE asks YOU to go out, then SHE should pay.
Don’t let these prostitute-lite women fool you. Here’s a little trick I learned from a wise man: when the bill comes, tell her you left your wallet in your other pants. The expression on her face will tell you all you need to know. If a woman is really into you, then she wouldn’t have a problem picking up the tab. A woman only there for a free meal will have a look on her face like someone just pissed in her Moscato.

If all else fails, just join the Hard on Hoes movement and save yourself a lot of headaches.

As Real As It Gets

I thought that professional weed carriers like Spliff Star , Tony Yayo, and Memphis Bleek were supposed to be the ones to take the fall when their boss/famous rapper caught a charge. In the past week, we’ve come to learn that both Lil B-O-O-S-I-E and Lil Wayne are both going to be serving time pretty soon. I’m not trying to say that they shouldn’t go to jail, but I can’t help but think they actually WANT to go to jail to boost their image as somebody who is hard. We already know Weezy F. Baby was hard. I mean, he actually got shot in the mean streets of the N.O. It should probably also be noted that he shot himself, but it takes a cold blooded man to turn a gun on himself…or is that a dumb ass man? I get confused sometimes. Wayne was actually Plaxico before Plaxico “Plaxicoed” himself. I guess the state of Louisiana figures being dumb enough to shoot yourself is punishment enough rather than sending him to the pokey.

Unlike Wayne, Boosie probably would have had to do some time regardless since he was stupid enough to post videos on youtube, which were then posted on worldstarhiphop.com showing him flashing guns and other weaponry. Just from looking at Boosie for 3 seconds, I could guarantee that not a single one of those guns were registered, and that they averaged at least 2.3 bodies on each of them.

Weezy’s case is a little cloudier though. Apparently the gun found on his tour bus was registered to a friend of his who was also on the same bus when the cops busted it. However, the cops said they found Wayne’s DNA on the gun. I’m curious to know what kind of DNA they could’ve possibly found besides fingerprints. What in the hell was he doing to that poor pistol? I’m fairly certain you won’t go to jail for having fingerprints on a registered gun, but I could be wrong. Especially with the gun laws they got up in New York. The point is if his lawyer’s could have proven that the gun was registered to somebody else who was traveling with him on tour, then he would’ve beaten the case in a trial. Instead, he plead out and is about to go up north for about 8 months.

In the case of both of these guys, it just seems like with the declining sales climate in music, they need all the help they can get. We all saw how big Pac blew up after he got out of jail. TI is still putting out videos every other week. Damn near every hip hop head was going crazy waiting for Shyne to get out until the people over at immigration said “Fuck that. Get this nigga out of our country!” The point is, both of these rappers can benefit from doing a bid. Boosie will just solidify the fact that he always has been and always will be one of the realest in the game. Whenever he gets out, him and Webbie can go back to spelling out words in their songs and educating the youth. And for Wayne, well besides the fact that everybody is tired of the shitty music that he’s put out lately, he just proved that he’s hard enough to take some time. Another benefit for him is that he’ll be able to kiss all the men that he wants to, I just hope Baby doesn’t get too jealous. I’m willing to bet that when Wayne comes out of the joint he’ll be rapping back the way he used to...good.

This kinda made me think: with T-Pains recent mock funeral, Kanye going to hide in a hole (Amber Rose) for the next month or so and Wayne going away for a while, are we witnessing the death of autotune? Somebody should kill Ron Browz just to make sure.

I’m out.

Women With Glasses

I don’t know when it started, but as of late I’ve had a “thing” for women with glasses. I can’t say why this is the case. Back in middle school and high school, the only reason to chill with the girls who wore glasses was to use her enough so that she would hopefully let you cheat off of her test in first period. I can’t even say there’s anything particularly intriguing about them, but whatever it is, it’s captivating. I’ve come up with a few reasons as to why these women may or may not have that special something that just makes you want to jump their bones. Let’s explore.

Intelligence – This probably goes back to that one teacher you had in high school…you know the one who you wanted to bend over her desk after class. Yep… that one. Every man wants a woman with brains and beauty. In addition to a nice pair of sweater puppies and a donk, intelligence is also very sexy, and women with glasses just seem smarter than those without. Nobody wants to wife the dumb broad. I prefer a more stimulating conversation besides whether or not LC and Heidi will make up on next week’s episode of The Hills.

Style – Even if a young lady isn’t the brightest light on the Christmas tree, she can get a pass if she’s a fly bitch (Disclaimer: That word “bitch” is meant entirely as a compliment.) I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: “A chick with a wack shoe game is an automatic deal breaker.” These kinds of things are important. If a woman has enough style sense that she can turn an everyday necessity into fashion accessory, then that’s the kind of woman for me. She’s the kind of woman who you take out in public and make heads turn. Only when people turn their heads, they aren’t doing a double-take and laughing at you behind your back.

Mystique – This may be the best explanation of why the woman with the glasses gets my juices flowing. I can’t decipher if she’s hiding something or not; whether she’s a good girl trying to be bad or a bad girl trying to be good. Either way, this can be played to my advantage. You might notice this young lady sitting at the desk next to yours at work. You always see her in such a professional and classy manner then when you go out after work you see her at happy hour knocking back shots of Don Julio, completely unaware of the fact that she’s giving the whole bar crotch shots like Britney Spears… the fine one, not the crazy bitch (Disclaimer: The word “bitch” is used entirely as an adjective to describe how fucked the fuck up she was). Now you can’t even focus on those TPS reports that are due when you come back to the office because all you can think of is taking her to one of the empty conference rooms and going to work on her like a Mexican standing in front of Home Depot.

I can’t be the only one who has become taken with the “lady in the glasses.” Questions, comments, want to go to Lens Crafters or Eye Masters to pick up some ladies? Leave a comment below or email us at myshoebag@live.com