In the last post we discovered the benefits of having an attractive white female for a friend, and how she can help you in your endeavors to hunt prey...er uhh... pursue a young lady while out for a night on the town. My same white female friend dropped another gem on me about the potential benefits of hanging with a not-so-attractive lady friend. That got me to thinking. Is there a new wingman in town? I mean if your main objective is to go out and pick up women, the only purpose your boys serve, is if your target of choice has Purse Patrol with her. So what are the benefits of having the beautifully challenged associate as opposed to a “bad bitch” by your side? I’m glad you asked. Let’s go out for night on the town.
Scenario 1: (Insert Beautiful Friend) So you’re out, having a good time and drinking with your friend. To the unsuspecting mind of a woman, this is either your girlfriend or the girl that you are trying to do something with in the very least. Why else would you be out with her anyway, right? Even though they will deny it to the grave, women are intimidated by other attractive women, no matter how high their self esteem is. Now that you know this, you will see that her thought process is telling her that she will have to do something other than just looking good to draw your attention away from your “girl-friend.” Attractive women are lazy, though. They’ve never had to work for anything, and they can generally get anything they want with a little flirting and showing of the goods. But when presented with a challenge they will shy away, (Side note: I know this because I read it on wikipedia, which is always true) unless of course she’s a whore, which is fair game in my book.
Scenario 2: (Insert friend with a heavy resemblance to Whoopi Goldberg) So you’re out, having a good time and drinking with your friend. To the mind of an attractive woman, you’re not a shallow person concerned with looks alone, therefore you won’t go chasing after every piece of scattered ass that you see passing by. This is a wonderful characteristic to possess because women will now believe that you are more concerned with who they are as a person (laughs uncontrollably), and they will see potential in you. On the other hand she will also say to herself, “This guy can do so much better.” And when Whoopi goes to the bathroom, you will be approached by the attractive young lady. The next step is important: do NOT immediately go for the kill, unless it’s just that easy. Play that nice guy role, but don’t be a simp. You don’t want her to know your true intentions until you get the drawz. Whether or not you disclose to her, that Ugly Betty is just your friend right then and there, is not necessarily important.
And there you have it. Now, go to the clubs, my flock, and test these theories. If they are successful, we do accept donations for providing an analysis and dating guideline for you. If they are not successful…well, maybe it’s just you. Good Luck!
For more relationship advice, please submit any questions you may have to myshoebag@live.com
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Snowflakes
Last night I attended a party that I really had no interest in going to, but I had no other choice but to do so. I was presented with a theory that may help out black men for years to come. While posted up on the wall next to an attractive white female friend, she asked me whether or not I minded her hanging around, for fear that she might be “blocking” or throwing salt in my game, seeing as how there was an abundance of scattered ass around. I told her I didn’t mind. The next words out of her mouth changed my perspective on black/white relations…probably forever: “Maybe, I’m helping you out anyway. When other black girls see you with a white girl, they’re gonna think, ‘I need to take him from that white girl.’” OMG!!! Why haven’t I thought of this before? Besides the fact that white people always buy drinks for their friends and offer to pay for everything, this is the first time that I felt that I could take full advantage of my relationship with my white friends. Okay, maybe not the first, but you get the point.
I was always aware of the fact that my white male counterparts benefited when they hung out with me and our black friends. White girls and other non-black minorities see him as having enough danger and fortitude to actually hang out with black people, however enough safety and comfort to be with because, after all, he still is white. This even works with black girls. They see the white guy who has been accepted by the black race, so he must have done something to prove that he was “down” and/or “real.”
Now it’s our turn. Having white female friends will benefit black men no matter what race of women it is that you prefer. Of course, if your preference is black women, the theory mentioned in the first paragraph is for you. Spot the girl(s) in the club/party that you want to pursue. Go up to them, introduce yourself, flirt, and whatever else it is that you might do to get a woman’s attention. Now, if she’s feeling you and you “layed your game down quite flat” (C. Wallace. I Got A Story To Tell. 1997), she will be checking for you throughout the night. Return to your snowflake friend and be a little more friendly than usual. We know for a fact that 95% of black women hate to see a black man with a white woman, even though they won’t admit it. This is when her mind set will turn to stealing you back from the white girl. And you win.
Let’s say you have a thing for white girls (or whatever other race). The majority of all non-blacks see black men as threatening and dangerous to society. When you are gentle and friendly with a white girl in a public setting, other non-black women will see you how comfortable the white girl is in your presence and think, “Hey, he’s not like the rest of them. I’ll give him a chance.” And again, you win.
Moral of the story invest in a friendship with an attractive white woman. This theory will not work if she is overweight or unattractive. Then you become that black guy, who the only white girls he can get are fat, ugly PWT. Yeah, you know one or two of them. If all else fails and you hang around this white friend long enough, she will eventually want to take a dip of the chocolate. And again, you win!
I was always aware of the fact that my white male counterparts benefited when they hung out with me and our black friends. White girls and other non-black minorities see him as having enough danger and fortitude to actually hang out with black people, however enough safety and comfort to be with because, after all, he still is white. This even works with black girls. They see the white guy who has been accepted by the black race, so he must have done something to prove that he was “down” and/or “real.”
Now it’s our turn. Having white female friends will benefit black men no matter what race of women it is that you prefer. Of course, if your preference is black women, the theory mentioned in the first paragraph is for you. Spot the girl(s) in the club/party that you want to pursue. Go up to them, introduce yourself, flirt, and whatever else it is that you might do to get a woman’s attention. Now, if she’s feeling you and you “layed your game down quite flat” (C. Wallace. I Got A Story To Tell. 1997), she will be checking for you throughout the night. Return to your snowflake friend and be a little more friendly than usual. We know for a fact that 95% of black women hate to see a black man with a white woman, even though they won’t admit it. This is when her mind set will turn to stealing you back from the white girl. And you win.
Let’s say you have a thing for white girls (or whatever other race). The majority of all non-blacks see black men as threatening and dangerous to society. When you are gentle and friendly with a white girl in a public setting, other non-black women will see you how comfortable the white girl is in your presence and think, “Hey, he’s not like the rest of them. I’ll give him a chance.” And again, you win.
Moral of the story invest in a friendship with an attractive white woman. This theory will not work if she is overweight or unattractive. Then you become that black guy, who the only white girls he can get are fat, ugly PWT. Yeah, you know one or two of them. If all else fails and you hang around this white friend long enough, she will eventually want to take a dip of the chocolate. And again, you win!
Monday, March 23, 2009
Let It Vent
We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this vital PSA from My Shoe Bag. There has been another epidemic that has been running rampant particularly in the Hispanic and African American communities, or what sociologists like to refer to as “urban” or “inner-city”. What’s going on? Venting. Yes, this is when someone decides to put custom vents on the side of their vehicle. To all people who have been found guilty of this crime, please remove your vents immediately. And if you were contemplating the idea of possibly adding these vents to your vehicle, please refrain from doing so. It does not make your car look more aerodynamic, nor does it make you look cool. It makes you look quite the opposite in fact. If your car was not manufactured with these vents in place (i.e. GM vehicles made after 2006), there is absolutely no reason to have them. I promise you, your pussy rate will not increase if you add them onto your ’93 Mazda Protégé. Trust me. I had one. When Pimp C said, “They wanna fuck my car” this was not intended in referencing the aforementioned automobile. As if writing “Ramirez” on your back windshield didn’t already devalue your pickup truck already, adding these vents will further decrease the resale value if/when you ever decide to upgrade. Hopefully this will not continue to spread and all late eighties to early nineties model GM vehicles that seem to be so popular in the hood can be salvaged.
We now return to your regularly scheduled broadcasting.
We now return to your regularly scheduled broadcasting.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Snap Out of It: Part 2
In this week’s installment of “Snap Out of It”, we want to address another issue that has been a thorn in our sides for quite some time, the infamous skinny jeans. This is directed towards you men…you grown ass men out there who wish to wear these particular garments. How is this shit even cool? That’s not a rhetorical question. Can someone please answer this for me? Is it because Kanye and Lil Wayne made it popular? Before you go and copy everything these two do, take note that Kanye West was just rockin a shag that was about 2 weeks away from looking like Randy Watson. And Wayne…well he does kiss men, and is a drugged out supposed syrup-head. Are you guys just fans of the whole hipster rap movement (i.e. The Cool Kids, Charles Hamilton, Kidz in the Hall)? It doesn’t matter. There is no excuse whatsoever to rock a pair of pants that fuckin tight. Nobody wants to see your camel tail. You and your girl shouldn’t be having arguments because you can’t figure out whose jeans belong to who. The following conversation should never happen:
Your Boy: Yo man, why did you and your girl break up?
You: Man, she kept wearing my jeans. That bitch know she a size 4, and I’m a size 6
I like to consider myself as someone with a good amount of fashion sense, and it’s generally not in my nature to knock another man’s sense of style, unless you’re just trying too hard (you all know who you are). But this is a drastic situation. I’m certainly not saying that wearing extra baggy clothes is much better. We definitely don’t need to bring Jnco’s back, but you can’t convince me that these jeans are comfortable. It’s gonna be a sad day when you make a sudden movement and you bust one of your nuts. I don’t mean that in a good way. Consider yourself warned.
Your Boy: Yo man, why did you and your girl break up?
You: Man, she kept wearing my jeans. That bitch know she a size 4, and I’m a size 6
I like to consider myself as someone with a good amount of fashion sense, and it’s generally not in my nature to knock another man’s sense of style, unless you’re just trying too hard (you all know who you are). But this is a drastic situation. I’m certainly not saying that wearing extra baggy clothes is much better. We definitely don’t need to bring Jnco’s back, but you can’t convince me that these jeans are comfortable. It’s gonna be a sad day when you make a sudden movement and you bust one of your nuts. I don’t mean that in a good way. Consider yourself warned.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Thug Life???
“There is no such thing as a thug in college”
First of all, I gotta shout out to the homie V-Mac for coining the title of this blog post. We here at MyShoeBag are all college graduates. I know that’s hard to believe for some, but it’s true. That being said, we have always wondered why members of certain groups (ahem, middle to upper-class black guys) go out of their way to portray a “street” or “thug” persona while in college. Stop that shit….now. There’s no such thing as a thug in college. Seriously.
We don’t give a shit what hood you’re from (subdivision), how poor (middle-class) you were growing up, or what set (dance crew) you claim. You are in college. You go to BIO 1401 lab. You eat at a dining hall. You live in a dorm. I bet you even had to recite some shitty poem you wrote for a creative writing course, and you probably tried to rap it. Poorly.
But what’s even more intriguing is the fact that most “thugs” in college sure seem to come from pretty stable backgrounds complete with two-story homes, backyard pools, and loving parents; a stable upbringing in Suburbia, USA. However, some members of “certain groups” seem to feel the need to create a brand-new personality filled with Z-Ro, stunna shades, incorrect grammar, and a reeeaallllyy loud bark with no bite. But, when shit pops off, they are nowhere to be found. You didn’t even see what was going on, right? Damn, you had no idea they were talking to YOU, right?
Here’s the thing, all you wannabe d-boys. Real thugs would never be in college (except for Stringer Bell). Real thugs don’t give a shit about the future and only think from one day to the next. If crack still sells, guns still provide protection, and the weed is still sticky, thugs will stay in the ‘hood. If you have ever attended a floor meeting in a college dorm or some other pointless ass college activity, you care about your future. Thugs don’t have time for all that because that means they are ultimately wasting time; and we all know that time is money. The only thing a thug sees in college is 40,000 students, most of whom likely smoke weed. Granted, there probably are former thugs in college, but if they were lucky enough to escape their past, they sure as hell aren’t busy glorifying it.
Moral of the story: Be yourself. Be proud of your suburban background. Wear what you wore to high school and don’t all of a sudden find a drawl on steroids or a closet full of tall tees. Be proud of the boring ass upbringing you had. Some people would kill for that shit.
And one last reason why you shouldn’t play the thug role in college is because you will get your card pulled at some point. Trust me. We’ve seen it happen. It ain’t pretty. And plus, the College Republicans always need that one black guy anyway. Go for it.
First of all, I gotta shout out to the homie V-Mac for coining the title of this blog post. We here at MyShoeBag are all college graduates. I know that’s hard to believe for some, but it’s true. That being said, we have always wondered why members of certain groups (ahem, middle to upper-class black guys) go out of their way to portray a “street” or “thug” persona while in college. Stop that shit….now. There’s no such thing as a thug in college. Seriously.
We don’t give a shit what hood you’re from (subdivision), how poor (middle-class) you were growing up, or what set (dance crew) you claim. You are in college. You go to BIO 1401 lab. You eat at a dining hall. You live in a dorm. I bet you even had to recite some shitty poem you wrote for a creative writing course, and you probably tried to rap it. Poorly.
But what’s even more intriguing is the fact that most “thugs” in college sure seem to come from pretty stable backgrounds complete with two-story homes, backyard pools, and loving parents; a stable upbringing in Suburbia, USA. However, some members of “certain groups” seem to feel the need to create a brand-new personality filled with Z-Ro, stunna shades, incorrect grammar, and a reeeaallllyy loud bark with no bite. But, when shit pops off, they are nowhere to be found. You didn’t even see what was going on, right? Damn, you had no idea they were talking to YOU, right?
Here’s the thing, all you wannabe d-boys. Real thugs would never be in college (except for Stringer Bell). Real thugs don’t give a shit about the future and only think from one day to the next. If crack still sells, guns still provide protection, and the weed is still sticky, thugs will stay in the ‘hood. If you have ever attended a floor meeting in a college dorm or some other pointless ass college activity, you care about your future. Thugs don’t have time for all that because that means they are ultimately wasting time; and we all know that time is money. The only thing a thug sees in college is 40,000 students, most of whom likely smoke weed. Granted, there probably are former thugs in college, but if they were lucky enough to escape their past, they sure as hell aren’t busy glorifying it.
Moral of the story: Be yourself. Be proud of your suburban background. Wear what you wore to high school and don’t all of a sudden find a drawl on steroids or a closet full of tall tees. Be proud of the boring ass upbringing you had. Some people would kill for that shit.
And one last reason why you shouldn’t play the thug role in college is because you will get your card pulled at some point. Trust me. We’ve seen it happen. It ain’t pretty. And plus, the College Republicans always need that one black guy anyway. Go for it.
Watch Ya Mouf
True story. Some kid in L.A. is trying to implement a no cursing week. McKay Hatch is a 15 year old in Pasadena, CA who contacted the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors about some club he started that is dedicated to not using any curse words, and these assholes actually approved it. So for the first week in March, they have issued a proclamation of no swearing. Well, I only have one thing to say about this: Get the FUCK outta here. Is he supposed to get applauded for not doing something that most parents have told their kids not to do for countless generations? I’m reading on Yahoo! right now that this young man just wanted to bring “awareness” to the situation, and for everyone to “be respectful of one another,” as if I’m not aware of the fact that I cuss all the fuckin time, anyway. This can only mean one thing. This kid has to be a genius. Before we get into that though, let’s first take time to say thank you to L.A. County for focusing on this grave issue that is affecting the educational system. Who gives a shit if kids can’t read, as long as they’re not cursing, right? And another thing – I’m tired of fucking “awareness” movements. I’m aware there’s a lot of fucked up shit in the world, but making people more “aware” doesn’t do jack ass shit to fix any problems. From now on, “awareness” means “look at me, I want attention for being a pretentious do-nothing tool”.
But back to the lesson at hand (shout out to Snoop)…
But, like I say, maybe this kid is a genius ahead of his time. Think about it, he is getting national attention for this. So that probably means he is chopping down all of the promiscuous freshmen that walk the halls of his school, even a few less attractive upper classmen. Ehhh, but then again, the article also states that he spent a lot of time forming a “No Cussing Club” complete with t-shirts, a website and a hip hop theme song. (Stifling laughter) Sorry about that. On second thought maybe this guy is just another virgin whose nuts haven’t descended enough for him to actually be interested in girls yet. Yeah, I was a virgin at 15 too, but that didn’t stop me from trying to plow pretty much every girl that walked past me. At least his club and his website have generated 20,000 followers to keep his attention. This increases the odds that one of those followers will be an attractive young lady (who has yet to realize her potential) and McKay Hatch can blast off a few knuckle children to her profile pictures. Just be careful to aim away from the computer. Once you get man milk in between the keys of your keyboard, it don’t come out…..so I’ve heard.
Now, I have to go warn a few of my friends out on the left coast that they can’t curse this week. Does that mean they can’t watch any Samuel L. Jackson movies this week, either?
But back to the lesson at hand (shout out to Snoop)…
But, like I say, maybe this kid is a genius ahead of his time. Think about it, he is getting national attention for this. So that probably means he is chopping down all of the promiscuous freshmen that walk the halls of his school, even a few less attractive upper classmen. Ehhh, but then again, the article also states that he spent a lot of time forming a “No Cussing Club” complete with t-shirts, a website and a hip hop theme song. (Stifling laughter) Sorry about that. On second thought maybe this guy is just another virgin whose nuts haven’t descended enough for him to actually be interested in girls yet. Yeah, I was a virgin at 15 too, but that didn’t stop me from trying to plow pretty much every girl that walked past me. At least his club and his website have generated 20,000 followers to keep his attention. This increases the odds that one of those followers will be an attractive young lady (who has yet to realize her potential) and McKay Hatch can blast off a few knuckle children to her profile pictures. Just be careful to aim away from the computer. Once you get man milk in between the keys of your keyboard, it don’t come out…..so I’ve heard.
Now, I have to go warn a few of my friends out on the left coast that they can’t curse this week. Does that mean they can’t watch any Samuel L. Jackson movies this week, either?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Higher Learning
Not going to work during the middle of the week is a Catch-22 for me. Yeah, I don’t have to put up with the daily bullshit and co-workers on that day, but I have to suffer through something else that might be a little worse. If you notice, the commercials that you watch target a dramatically different demographic at about the noon time period. This is when most unemployed, weed heads, and general day to day ne’er do wells decide to wake up and become productive. Fear not. If you dregs of society watch some of your local programming, you will find the keys to your future. Don’t you know that if you go to Everest College, you can learn a skillful trade and get a degree in two years, unlike your dumbass friends who decided to go to a four year accredited university? Who really wants to live in a co-ed dorm with, basically, in house poon walking around on a daily basis?
I’m not even going to attack the “students” who decide to attend one of these “schools.” It’s commendable that you want to at least make an effort to do something with your life, despite the fact that you are being sadly misguided. Unfortunately, the stellar public schools in our great nation are better at preparing “the youth” for these schools than for real colleges. No Thug Left Behind, courtesy of Dubya and “Tha Congress”.
No, this is for DeVry, ITT Tech, and the black dude on the Everest commercials. Do you really believe that people are stupid enough to believe that a two year associates engineering degree (read: spending an hour with the local mechanic at the auto shop twice a week) is gonna alter their life dramatically? What’s even worse is when they show the 21 year old high school dropout mother with 3 kids, who got her nurse’s aide certificate showing how happy she is that she can support her family with a job that she is proud of. Bitch please. Is that 24 stacks a year she pulling down in her “career” better than the $500 a night she was banking at the Player’s Club? Straight cash, homie. Did anybody think of how this would affect the kids? Now, baby Joker, Miguel, and Smiley don’t even get real orange juice for breakfast. All Mom can afford is Tampico Orange Flavored Drink. No more Jordan’s for the little ones. Instead they show up to school rockin the standard issue Riddells or Ponys from Oshman’s and Academy. Now, they’re unhealthy and socially inept. They can’t concentrate in school, so eventually they drop out, have three kids of their own, and start selling drugs. Upon their release from the county, they see a commercial for….you guessed it: This nigga telling them to pick up the phone and “call Everest NOW!” And the cycle continues.
Am I reading too far into this? Am I thinking about “the youth” too much? I guess I can’t be too mad, if it weren’t for these schools, I wouldn’t have any graduates to change my oil. Thanks guys.
I’m not even going to attack the “students” who decide to attend one of these “schools.” It’s commendable that you want to at least make an effort to do something with your life, despite the fact that you are being sadly misguided. Unfortunately, the stellar public schools in our great nation are better at preparing “the youth” for these schools than for real colleges. No Thug Left Behind, courtesy of Dubya and “Tha Congress”.
No, this is for DeVry, ITT Tech, and the black dude on the Everest commercials. Do you really believe that people are stupid enough to believe that a two year associates engineering degree (read: spending an hour with the local mechanic at the auto shop twice a week) is gonna alter their life dramatically? What’s even worse is when they show the 21 year old high school dropout mother with 3 kids, who got her nurse’s aide certificate showing how happy she is that she can support her family with a job that she is proud of. Bitch please. Is that 24 stacks a year she pulling down in her “career” better than the $500 a night she was banking at the Player’s Club? Straight cash, homie. Did anybody think of how this would affect the kids? Now, baby Joker, Miguel, and Smiley don’t even get real orange juice for breakfast. All Mom can afford is Tampico Orange Flavored Drink. No more Jordan’s for the little ones. Instead they show up to school rockin the standard issue Riddells or Ponys from Oshman’s and Academy. Now, they’re unhealthy and socially inept. They can’t concentrate in school, so eventually they drop out, have three kids of their own, and start selling drugs. Upon their release from the county, they see a commercial for….you guessed it: This nigga telling them to pick up the phone and “call Everest NOW!” And the cycle continues.
Am I reading too far into this? Am I thinking about “the youth” too much? I guess I can’t be too mad, if it weren’t for these schools, I wouldn’t have any graduates to change my oil. Thanks guys.
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