Where They Do That At?

It’s no secret that I love shopping, specifically for shoes. So I’m talking to a co-worker recently and I mention to him that when I get bored, sometimes I just go to the mall and shop, because it’s something that I enjoy doing so much, and the guy looks at me like I just came out of Oil Can Harry’s with glow sticks, assless chaps and a fishnet tank top (Oil Can Harry’s is a gay bar for all of you outside the Austin area). I just wanna know why some people think that it’s weird for a man to like shopping as much as a woman does? Is it wrong to like to have new stuff, and to want to look good? Personally I don’t think so, but some people do. That’s cool, but I think there are certain things that a man should be able to do without having his sexuality questioned. With all these random claims about male celebrities being secretly gay and this whole DL thing still going on, and of course Atlanta is still in existence; everyone is looking for a reason to call out another dudes suspectability (that is not a word). I also think that there are certain things that if a man were to do, he in fact should be looked at with the dreaded side eye.

Acceptable - Watching “The Hills”
• One of my favorite guilty pleasures. No, the show isn’t the same since LC left, but it’s still very much enjoyable. You just never what Spencer is gonna say next. Also included with this should be any other shows aimed towards a female audience and other chick flicks. Yeah, I’ve watched “The Devil Wears Prada.” What if I happen to be a hopeless romantic and these romantic comedies just kinda feed that part of my personality? It’s all for entertainment people. Maybe deep down inside these movies could somehow improve male/female relationships and we could all probably learn something from them. Not likely, but sometimes I just don’t wanna watch the G4 channel or ESPN all day. If I decide to skip SportsCenter for one night to watch “He’s Just Not That Into You” then let me have that.

Unacceptable – Sending another man a winking smiley face/emoticon via text or bbm
• That shit ain’t cool. Would you wink at another man in a face to face conversation?

Acceptable - Singing along to Beyonce
• I think Beyonce is one of the most beautiful women in the business today. If I had to make a pick between her and Halle Berry, I’d probably just call it a tie and take both. I also happen to think that she is very talented…as far as singing goes. She is a pretty bad actor. She shouldn’t even be allowed to watch movies. With that said, she makes some very catchy songs. You’ll never catch me singing “Single Ladies” or anything like that, but she’s got some hits that go hard. I can relate to some of her songs. I got a big ego too. I don’t know why it is, but some dudes think it makes them look soft to buy albums by female artists. I happen to think Chrisette Michelle had one of, if not the best R&B album last year. However, there are certain things that men should not sing along to…

Unacceptable – Knowing Lil Kim and Trina lyrics word for word
• I’m not endorsing people to boycott any Femcees we have out there. I highly recommend Jean Grey, and I think they need all the support they can get. Much like the WNBA. I just can’t get with singing along to the majority of them talking about how they like to deep throat random dudes and get pounded from various positions. If that’s what they like to do, then more power to them, but for a man to spit bar for bar with them, just seems kinda suspect. Even though “Get Money” is a great song, I can’t rock out to the whole thing because Kim just says some stuff that my manhood won’t let me repeat. Sorry

Acceptable – Using a Loofah
• They exfoliate and get you much cleaner than a regular washcloth, and you don’t have to use as much soap to work up a good lather. Besides, all of my other toiletries are Old Spice and Nivea For Men. Get off my case.
Any other people out there have some actions that are ok for men to do, or some unacceptable ones that will officially have you detected on the Gaydar (gays and women really use this word like it actually exists)?

White Men STILL Can't Jump

Sometimes people do the most ignorant stuff without even realizing what they do is wrong. Like when an old white lady sees a black baby and says something like “Awww, she is so cute for a little black baby.” Some people, however, do ignorant things and know how inane it is, yet they try to make excuses for why whatever it is they’re doing isn’t wrong. Case in point: Don "Moose" Lewis, the commissioner of the AABA. Who is this guy, and what the hell is the AABA? I thought you might ask. The AABA is the All American Basketball Alliance that Lewis hopes will have its inaugural season this coming June. And the dream of Moose Lewis is that the league will be an all white league, also excluding anyone not born in the United States. Let the record show that I stand strong in my belief that European pansy players made the NBA soft with their flops and what not (see: Ginobili, Manu). Now there’s no hand checking, and everything is considered a flagrant foul these days, but that’s not the point. I’m all for being an entrepreneur, but trying to create an all white basketball league isn’t really original. Didn’t they try this once before back in the 40’s, but eventually they realized that black people have an extra bone/muscle, which is why we’re blessed with all the talent and athleticism. This extra bone/muscle gives us the ability to make the sport fun and exciting, and people will actually pay to watch us do so, thus making the league profitable.

But of course the guy came out quickly and said it has nothing to do with race. "There's nothing hatred about what we're doing. I don't hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here's a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like."

Don’t they already have a league that doesn’t allow black men to play and the game revolves around fundamentals? I believe it’s called the WNBA, and we see how well they’re doing. I give them two or three more seasons before they fold. In a further effort to assure us that he has no hatred, Lewis then said he wants to focus on the fundamentals of the game and wanted to eliminate “street ball” played by “people of color.” Or as I read it: “Them niggers is too good.” He believes the white game of basketball is a fundamental game. No arguments here, except that the person that they call “The Big Fundamental” is Tim Duncan, a big black guy. Then again, he is married to a white woman so maybe he gets a pass. Lewis seems to think that this is the game of basketball that works the best. Well when we find a white guy as good as Michael Jordan or one that can run the court like LeBron, maybe I’ll give your reasoning some merit. But I don’t ever see that happening unless a white guy gets cosmetic surgery to insert an extra bone/muscle to make him more athletically inclined.

The last thing I want to mention before I finish is Lewis citing how in the Negro Basketball Association you have certain incidents where the audience is subjected to conduct that may leave them feeling a little unsafe. He went on to say, “Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands? That's the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction." This is very valid point because no white person in the history of America has EVER attacked innocent people by doing something crazy like….I don’t know, shooting up a random store or other place of business. Nah, that never happens.

Thanks, but no thanks

I was watching an episode of the show “The Game” the other day. You know the one where the white chick is teaching the other two light skinded ones how to pole dance for their respective mens’. Then I started seeing all these commercials for something called “Flirty Girl Fitness” or some variation of that where women who all wear a size 0 do some hip thrusts and a few weak ass lap dances on top of an empty chair and claim it can get you in shape and keep you fit. Yeah, probably if you’re already a size 0. Tell Mo’nique and Precious big asses to get up there, and if they lose a significant amount of weight, I’ll believe it; otherwise, I ain’t buying it. Come to find out there are thousands of women all across the country who take these pole dancing classes, claiming to do it so that they can spice things up in the bedroom and whatnot. Thanks, but no thanks. I’ll pass. It’s not that I have anything against getting a lap/pole dance from my lady, it’s just that there’s absolutely no reason for you to take these classes. Personally, I’m not much of a strip club kinda guy anyway, although I do enjoy the visuals . I’ll never be the one who says, “hey let’s hit the strip club” whenever I’m chilling with my boys trying to find something to do later that night. It just never made sense to me to go somewhere and pay a woman to dance for me, give me an erection, and leave me out to dry. And if I happen to be in a classy establishment such as Harlem Knights, where I can get some in exchange for an undisclosed amount, I’m a strong advocate against direct monetary transactions for sex. So at the end of the day it’s pointless to me. But if do happen to end up there anyway, I still notice that some of the moves that some of these skrippers are able to perform cannot be taught in one class that lasts an hour, and is taught by a 45 yr old ex-burlesque show girl. Some of these hoes are really talented. I mean, let’s be real about this people. One class? Do you really think that’s all you need to perform to the best of your ability? You can’t go to class for the first day of the semester and not show up again until finals and expect to pass. It doesn’t work that way. Another reason why this practice has no real benefit to anyone is because there’s nowhere to utilize the skills outside of a strip club. Who in the hell has a pole in their house/apartment? Seriously ladies, where exactly are you gonna perform some of these moves for your man? So if there are any ladies who are wasting time and money on these classes please stop. I’d much rather you buy me a pair of shoes or a watch than to see you bust your ass trying to climb a pole. Now if you can take a class that teaches you how to dance like one of them girls in the “Tip Drill” video, then that’s something we can discuss.

One last rant before I check out of here. Remember the scene in the movie “Old School” where they have all the wives learning how to give phenomenal fellatio (I made that one up)? Turns out these off the dome sessions exist as well. Now this is something that ladies can put to good use for their man, considering the fact that they don’t need a large metal prop to do so. But just like pole dancing, it’s a waste of time and/or money. Think about it; why would I want another woman teaching my girl how to give me head? Especially if I’m not around to be used in tutorials. I think I’d much rather teach her to do what I like on my own. Who knows what I like better than me, right? And she won’t have to worry if she doesn’t get it right the first time…we can keep practicing until she gets it right.