You Really Don't Wanna Know

Last week I made it a point to give my little brother some advice to help him navigate through some of the women he is most certain to come across at some point in time. This week it’s important that I offer a piece of advice that everybody should follow when dealing with the opposite sex, but, unfortunately they think that they can handle the consequences of ignoring it and they end up with hurt feelings. Unless the matter is critical, never ask a question to which you don’t want to know the answer. Why anybody would willingly ask a question like this continues to boggle my mind, especially if it’s something minor. The worst part is when someone asks you one of these questions, and they get mad at you for answering it honestly. So I’ve decided to break this week’s post up into two sections; one for the guys and one for the girls. I know they say ladies first, but as a member of the HoH movement that doesn’t apply to me. So today I’d like to talk to the fellas about things you just shouldn’t want to know about the woman in your life.

I know there are some things that I just don’t care to know about a woman; specifically the exact amount of guys she’s been with. Chances are she’s gonna lie about this number anyway. Like I’ve said before, if a woman isn’t a known slut and has no STD’s then we’re good to go. The reason for this is because I’d hate to meet a woman who has already swept me off my feet, and then I do something stupid like ask her, “Exactly how many guys have you been with?” What’s the point? See, I have a theory about every woman over the age of 23. Someone(s) already landed on Plymouth Rock before you did. Everything that she does for you in bed, she learned from some other guy. I know that’s crushing to a lot of the male egos here, but it’s true. And the sooner we realize this, the sooner we can stop fooling ourselves into fantasizing about this pure and clean young lady that we hope to find and marry. Unless you want to walk the halls at your nearest high school, chances are she doesn’t exist in your world.

Also, it’s probably wise not to ask a woman if she came or not when you had sex. Women generally know when a man comes because it happens 99% of the time. Probably not so for all women. I don’t know because I’ll never ask. Is it something that men would like to know for sure? Yeah, I guess, but ignorance is bliss. If she says yes every time, you’ll wonder if she’s just saying so to protect your ego. If she says no, then you’ll go paranoid. If she seems to enjoy having sex with you and will initiate intercourse, chances are you’re good. If you have to damn near bribe her to get in bed, chances are you share that girl.

Another question to never ask a woman is whether or not it’s that “time of the month”. Just don’t do it. It won’t end well. Just assume that it is and leave her alone.

The central theme here is to not ask questions where the answer is better left unsaid and everyone is seemingly happier for it. It makes life easier and will keep the male ego intact. Good day, gents.

We Don't Believe You...

The other day I was talking with a good friend whose little brother was coming to visit him, and we started a brief conversation of the joys of having a little brother. I know my two older brothers were always elated to have a younger brother because, well …he was me. Growing up, they would give me little pieces of advice here and there to help guide me through life, and even though they were only a couple of years older than me, the advice was well appreciated and put to good use. Well almost 16 years ago, my dad got remarried and had another son. The lucky bastard even looked like me. Now whenever all four of us get together, we make sure to kick the youngest one some knowledge, whether it’s pertains to life in general or dealing with others of the opposite sex. Mainly, the latter because it has been observed that guys today are increasingly getting out of pocket when it comes to matters of the female species in general. I never want my brother to be that guy.

One of the most important pieces of advice given to my big, little brother was to never put anything past any woman. There’s a difference between trusting someone and being naïve. But there are a few more tidbits or better yet, red flags that he should listen for in a conversation when talking to a girl. This can also be used as a tutorial for some of you ladies out there who continue to spew these clichés, thinking guys will fall for them time and time again. Well…we don’t believe you. You need more people.

Red Flag #1: “I’m not like other girls.” Technically, she’s right, because God only created one of her. The same goes for the other 3 to 4 billion women on the planet. Telling any man that you are not like other girls is not going to make him believe you are special. At least I hope not. Because he will have heard it so many times, that by the time the next woman tells him, he’ll believe that you ARE in fact just like every other girl. If women want to prove that they’re not like other women, stop being hormonal and overly emotional about trivial bullshit, don’t be so insecure, stop wearing a similar outfit as every other girl in the club and stop drinking Moscato. Even if you tell me that you were drinking it long before Drake started mentioning it in his songs, I still won’t believe you….because I’ve heard it too many times before.

Red Flag #2: “I’ve never done this before.” This could actually be true, but here’s why I doubt it. Some women perform certain acts a little too well and without any reluctance for me to believe that she’s never had practice before. Why women tell us this fairytale, I have no idea; probably because she doesn’t want to come off as easy. This is totally understandable except that women fail to realize one thing. No sane man cares or cares to know about your past. As long as a woman isn’t a known slut or have any STD’s, we really don’t want to know. When you tell this little lie, all it makes us men believe is that you’re covering up for being too easy. So, my big, little brother , whenever a woman says this to you just nod and smile, and know that she’s probably done it before and she’ll most likely do it again for you.

Red Flag # 3: “I only hang out with guys.” or “I don’t have any female friends.” I’ve run across at least six of these women in my lifetime. Ironically, they all hang out together. When a woman says one or the other to a man, he’s not thinking “Finally, I have someone to watch the game and play Call of Duty with. I’m not sure what it is about women that they think men want to hear this. We especially don’t if we’re trying to establish some kind of relationship. It’s not even about me being insecure or about me not trusting you. It’s about me knowing other dudes. The thirst levels for these dudes out here are at an all-time high, and as high as they put the p*ssy on a pedestal, you can’t put anything past them. Imagine if the next dude you tried talking to told you that he only hangs out with women. Half of the women out there will label him a whore. The other half will label him as gay. For the women in the “I don’t have any female friends” party, you strike me as one of two things; a person who fails to develop and maintain meaningful relationships, or someone who doesn’t have any friends to occupy her time, so she’ll bug the fuck out of me day in and day out. Either way, I’ll pass. And you should too bro.

I’m sure you all will have a lot to say about this one, so have at it.
Oh yeah, follow me on twitter @baustin06

Be Easy

In case you were never aware of a late breaking sociological study, women love to argue. They love drama, and they can’t survive without it. This is the same reason why women will befriend someone who they tell their other friends that they can’t stand, and constantly talk about this person behind their back. It’s the same reason why women will enter and continue a relationship that has no benefit whatsoever to them. She doesn’t even have to really even like the other guy that much, but because there’s drama involved, she will stay. I don’t know if it’s for pure entertainment or what. Let’s say you have a group of guys riding in the car having a discussion. One guy gets out. What happens next? The remaining guys will move on to the next subject or whatever catcher their attention next. Now replace those guys with women. If one gets out of the car, there’s a much higher chance that one of the remaining women in the car will have something sassy or unappealing to say about the person who just exited the vehicle. When the next one gets out she will then call the first person who got out and inform her of what the other two people in the car said about her. And the cycle of drama continues. If you weren’t aware, women even have the powers to turn compliments into insults. Everyday in America some woman asks her man how she looks in some random outfit. If the guy says “It’s straight” or “it’s cool” then the outfit isn’t good enough and he thinks she’s ugly and fat. God forbid that the guy pauses before he answers. The crazy thing is even if he says, “You look gorgeous. You are the most beautiful woman in the world.” She will reply with “That’s not true…tell me what you really think!” Now she doesn’t believe you, and everything you ever told her up to this point in the relationship has been a lie.

The easiest solution would be to just take a break from women, but unfortunately for men, we all have a temptation that we can’t shake. No, it’s not a woman herself ; it’s her vagina. And the woman has to come as part of a package deal. So how are we as men supposed to deal with these drama loving beings until the end of time? You can’t just simply not argue with them. One way or another they will pull you in. Women, for some reason (read: no logic implied), believe that if her man won’t argue with her that he isn’t passionate about the relationship and that he doesn’t care enough. If a woman gets this notion enough, she will eventually take her vagina away from you, and we can’t have that now can we? So for the fellas out there, here are a few ways that you can minimize the arguing between you and the woman in your life.

First of all, pick your beef. She may get on some crazy soapbox about something that pisses you off, but don’t engage in an all out scream-fest unless it’s something you are truly passionate about. Like if she wants to watch Grey’s Anatomy, but you haven’t reached your checkpoint on Call of Duty yet. Understand that it is in a woman’s DNA to fight for dumb shit. Yeah it’s just as easy for her to put the toilet seat back up after she finishes so that you don’t have to keep lifting it up over and over again, but let her have that one. If you’re gonna fight, make sure it’s worth the time and whatever after affects it may have down the road.

Think AGAIN before you talk. Have you ever been in an argument with a woman, and as soon as she made a comment you were able to counter it with quick thinking and a great comeback that pretty much shut the whole conversation down? Next time, don’t do that. Now you’re not just the bad guy, but you’re the bad guy who’s an asshole who doesn’t consider her feelings. Women are trained to believe that they are always right, and to crush them with sheer logical thought is the biggest insult a man can ever give to a woman. Instead of throwing a verbal haymaker into the argument, say it with an upward inflection that sounds like a question. This way she can answer it and believe that it was her who resolved the problem. She wins because she can now tell all of her friends how she “won” the argument. You win because you get to finish watching the game.

Lastly, I would advise that you never fully engage in the argument in the first place if you don’t have to. Just nod and smile and agree with her. Just don’t make it seem phony. Say “you right” (see how it works here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olGq3TOs174&feature=related ) about 6 or 7 times and it’ll be over before you know it. But be careful to avoid these two common mistakes. Never apologize and never admit you were wrong unless you have no other choice. It will come back to haunt you in the future. Saying “sorry” is an admission of guilt. Therefore say something along the lines of “I’m sorry if by me doing ______ you feel _____.” As I’ve told others before, I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong. Pretty much everything I do is based on a logical decision where I’ve evaluated the consequences and made the appropriate actions based on that logic. Sometimes it’s drunk logic. Sometimes it’s angry logic. But it was always the right decision at the time.

That’s all I can do to help you guys for now. The only other solution would be to find a woman who doesn’t feed off drama and argue for no apparent reason. And if you’ve already found her, see if she has a sister for me.