Sarah Palin's Helping Hand

Sooooo….Sarah Palin is really on a blazing trail to make herself a revolutionary of the Republican Party. I’d be interested to see what hilarity would ensue on a ticket with her AND Michael Steele together. After all the dumb ass comments (or lack there of) she made during the presidential race back in 2008, I thought that maybe she would take some time to get her act together and try not to make an ass of herself. I thought we would never see a black president, but if this dumb ass broad continues to hang around the spotlight then I’m convinced we will never see a president of the female gender. Of course if you watch Faux News (see what I just did right there), you’ll be led to believe that she’s the only person that can pull us out of where we are as a nation. If you ask me, she’s setting women back about 10.7 years every time she makes a public appearance. So what has Ms. Palin been up to since the presidential race? Well she “wrote” a book pretty much shitting all over the committee put together for McCain’s campaign, the same one that fought to get her on the ticket. Good luck in 2012. When the Haiti tragedy struck, what did she do? No, she didn’t make any public appearances or speeches or give an interview about what we could do to help. She posted a note on Facebook and Myspace soliciting donations to the Red Cross. And now at the Tea Party convention that took place this past weekend, she continued to strengthen her legacy. I always assumed she didn’t know shit to begin with, but this was just ridiculous. During a Q&A session, she actually had notes written on the inside of her hand to help her get through the whole ordeal. Now, I just always thought people stopped this in elementary school as they developed more clever ways to get away with cheating, but then I thought to myself “we’re dealing with Sarah Palin, here.” This is the same woman who couldn’t explain why North and South Korea were separate nations. The same woman who, when asked by Katie Couric to give examples of John McCain’s policy plans during the presidential race, she said “I’ll try to find some and bring them back to you.” Word? Despite the fact that she must not have gotten the memo about that new invention that scientist just discovered last week called pencils and paper where most Americans can jot notes down and refer back to them if needed, I somehow didn’t think she could be this stupid. Somebody get this woman some school supplies, please. If she were still in grade school or at a regular 9 to 5, she would have been suspended or fired for something like this, but I guess the GOP will do whatever they have to so that they can keep people talking. That way they won’t seem like a bunch of old boring white men who sit around in blue blazers talking about country music and how great it is to be “the man”. I wish there was a way I could just put her and Wocka Flocka Flame together in a car and have it driven off of a cliff into a lake of fire with OJ Da Juiceman locked in the trunk. One could only dream.

Where They Do That At?

It’s no secret that I love shopping, specifically for shoes. So I’m talking to a co-worker recently and I mention to him that when I get bored, sometimes I just go to the mall and shop, because it’s something that I enjoy doing so much, and the guy looks at me like I just came out of Oil Can Harry’s with glow sticks, assless chaps and a fishnet tank top (Oil Can Harry’s is a gay bar for all of you outside the Austin area). I just wanna know why some people think that it’s weird for a man to like shopping as much as a woman does? Is it wrong to like to have new stuff, and to want to look good? Personally I don’t think so, but some people do. That’s cool, but I think there are certain things that a man should be able to do without having his sexuality questioned. With all these random claims about male celebrities being secretly gay and this whole DL thing still going on, and of course Atlanta is still in existence; everyone is looking for a reason to call out another dudes suspectability (that is not a word). I also think that there are certain things that if a man were to do, he in fact should be looked at with the dreaded side eye.

Acceptable - Watching “The Hills”
• One of my favorite guilty pleasures. No, the show isn’t the same since LC left, but it’s still very much enjoyable. You just never what Spencer is gonna say next. Also included with this should be any other shows aimed towards a female audience and other chick flicks. Yeah, I’ve watched “The Devil Wears Prada.” What if I happen to be a hopeless romantic and these romantic comedies just kinda feed that part of my personality? It’s all for entertainment people. Maybe deep down inside these movies could somehow improve male/female relationships and we could all probably learn something from them. Not likely, but sometimes I just don’t wanna watch the G4 channel or ESPN all day. If I decide to skip SportsCenter for one night to watch “He’s Just Not That Into You” then let me have that.

Unacceptable – Sending another man a winking smiley face/emoticon via text or bbm
• That shit ain’t cool. Would you wink at another man in a face to face conversation?

Acceptable - Singing along to Beyonce
• I think Beyonce is one of the most beautiful women in the business today. If I had to make a pick between her and Halle Berry, I’d probably just call it a tie and take both. I also happen to think that she is very talented…as far as singing goes. She is a pretty bad actor. She shouldn’t even be allowed to watch movies. With that said, she makes some very catchy songs. You’ll never catch me singing “Single Ladies” or anything like that, but she’s got some hits that go hard. I can relate to some of her songs. I got a big ego too. I don’t know why it is, but some dudes think it makes them look soft to buy albums by female artists. I happen to think Chrisette Michelle had one of, if not the best R&B album last year. However, there are certain things that men should not sing along to…

Unacceptable – Knowing Lil Kim and Trina lyrics word for word
• I’m not endorsing people to boycott any Femcees we have out there. I highly recommend Jean Grey, and I think they need all the support they can get. Much like the WNBA. I just can’t get with singing along to the majority of them talking about how they like to deep throat random dudes and get pounded from various positions. If that’s what they like to do, then more power to them, but for a man to spit bar for bar with them, just seems kinda suspect. Even though “Get Money” is a great song, I can’t rock out to the whole thing because Kim just says some stuff that my manhood won’t let me repeat. Sorry

Acceptable – Using a Loofah
• They exfoliate and get you much cleaner than a regular washcloth, and you don’t have to use as much soap to work up a good lather. Besides, all of my other toiletries are Old Spice and Nivea For Men. Get off my case.
Any other people out there have some actions that are ok for men to do, or some unacceptable ones that will officially have you detected on the Gaydar (gays and women really use this word like it actually exists)?

White Men STILL Can't Jump

Sometimes people do the most ignorant stuff without even realizing what they do is wrong. Like when an old white lady sees a black baby and says something like “Awww, she is so cute for a little black baby.” Some people, however, do ignorant things and know how inane it is, yet they try to make excuses for why whatever it is they’re doing isn’t wrong. Case in point: Don "Moose" Lewis, the commissioner of the AABA. Who is this guy, and what the hell is the AABA? I thought you might ask. The AABA is the All American Basketball Alliance that Lewis hopes will have its inaugural season this coming June. And the dream of Moose Lewis is that the league will be an all white league, also excluding anyone not born in the United States. Let the record show that I stand strong in my belief that European pansy players made the NBA soft with their flops and what not (see: Ginobili, Manu). Now there’s no hand checking, and everything is considered a flagrant foul these days, but that’s not the point. I’m all for being an entrepreneur, but trying to create an all white basketball league isn’t really original. Didn’t they try this once before back in the 40’s, but eventually they realized that black people have an extra bone/muscle, which is why we’re blessed with all the talent and athleticism. This extra bone/muscle gives us the ability to make the sport fun and exciting, and people will actually pay to watch us do so, thus making the league profitable.

But of course the guy came out quickly and said it has nothing to do with race. "There's nothing hatred about what we're doing. I don't hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here's a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like."

Don’t they already have a league that doesn’t allow black men to play and the game revolves around fundamentals? I believe it’s called the WNBA, and we see how well they’re doing. I give them two or three more seasons before they fold. In a further effort to assure us that he has no hatred, Lewis then said he wants to focus on the fundamentals of the game and wanted to eliminate “street ball” played by “people of color.” Or as I read it: “Them niggers is too good.” He believes the white game of basketball is a fundamental game. No arguments here, except that the person that they call “The Big Fundamental” is Tim Duncan, a big black guy. Then again, he is married to a white woman so maybe he gets a pass. Lewis seems to think that this is the game of basketball that works the best. Well when we find a white guy as good as Michael Jordan or one that can run the court like LeBron, maybe I’ll give your reasoning some merit. But I don’t ever see that happening unless a white guy gets cosmetic surgery to insert an extra bone/muscle to make him more athletically inclined.

The last thing I want to mention before I finish is Lewis citing how in the Negro Basketball Association you have certain incidents where the audience is subjected to conduct that may leave them feeling a little unsafe. He went on to say, “Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands? That's the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction." This is very valid point because no white person in the history of America has EVER attacked innocent people by doing something crazy like….I don’t know, shooting up a random store or other place of business. Nah, that never happens.

Thanks, but no thanks

I was watching an episode of the show “The Game” the other day. You know the one where the white chick is teaching the other two light skinded ones how to pole dance for their respective mens’. Then I started seeing all these commercials for something called “Flirty Girl Fitness” or some variation of that where women who all wear a size 0 do some hip thrusts and a few weak ass lap dances on top of an empty chair and claim it can get you in shape and keep you fit. Yeah, probably if you’re already a size 0. Tell Mo’nique and Precious big asses to get up there, and if they lose a significant amount of weight, I’ll believe it; otherwise, I ain’t buying it. Come to find out there are thousands of women all across the country who take these pole dancing classes, claiming to do it so that they can spice things up in the bedroom and whatnot. Thanks, but no thanks. I’ll pass. It’s not that I have anything against getting a lap/pole dance from my lady, it’s just that there’s absolutely no reason for you to take these classes. Personally, I’m not much of a strip club kinda guy anyway, although I do enjoy the visuals . I’ll never be the one who says, “hey let’s hit the strip club” whenever I’m chilling with my boys trying to find something to do later that night. It just never made sense to me to go somewhere and pay a woman to dance for me, give me an erection, and leave me out to dry. And if I happen to be in a classy establishment such as Harlem Knights, where I can get some in exchange for an undisclosed amount, I’m a strong advocate against direct monetary transactions for sex. So at the end of the day it’s pointless to me. But if do happen to end up there anyway, I still notice that some of the moves that some of these skrippers are able to perform cannot be taught in one class that lasts an hour, and is taught by a 45 yr old ex-burlesque show girl. Some of these hoes are really talented. I mean, let’s be real about this people. One class? Do you really think that’s all you need to perform to the best of your ability? You can’t go to class for the first day of the semester and not show up again until finals and expect to pass. It doesn’t work that way. Another reason why this practice has no real benefit to anyone is because there’s nowhere to utilize the skills outside of a strip club. Who in the hell has a pole in their house/apartment? Seriously ladies, where exactly are you gonna perform some of these moves for your man? So if there are any ladies who are wasting time and money on these classes please stop. I’d much rather you buy me a pair of shoes or a watch than to see you bust your ass trying to climb a pole. Now if you can take a class that teaches you how to dance like one of them girls in the “Tip Drill” video, then that’s something we can discuss.

One last rant before I check out of here. Remember the scene in the movie “Old School” where they have all the wives learning how to give phenomenal fellatio (I made that one up)? Turns out these off the dome sessions exist as well. Now this is something that ladies can put to good use for their man, considering the fact that they don’t need a large metal prop to do so. But just like pole dancing, it’s a waste of time and/or money. Think about it; why would I want another woman teaching my girl how to give me head? Especially if I’m not around to be used in tutorials. I think I’d much rather teach her to do what I like on my own. Who knows what I like better than me, right? And she won’t have to worry if she doesn’t get it right the first time…we can keep practicing until she gets it right.

Same Sh*t...Different Toilet

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/6754981.html

So I ran across this article the other day in The Houston Chronicle and it the basis of it surrounds the fact that many people in black community aren’t necessarily mad at Tiger for cheating on his wife; they have a problem with all of the rumored mistresses being white. Which of course brings us back full circle to the age old problem of famous black men (most notably athletes) becoming successful and running off with a white girl. I think we’ve all heard this argument time and time again, and in my opinion, I think it’s about time we all moved on. Black people love to play the race card a lot and are always screaming for equality, so why would it make a difference if you date someone black or white? I think I know where the problem lies. It’s when a black man gets a white woman for the sole purpose of feeling validated for having reached a certain level of success. I mean if a brother can get a white girl, then he really made it right? I’m pretty sure this is the reason behind a few of the many prominent black athletes and entertainers today. I can understand why this would upset anybody. But this probably equates to a small percentage of people who are in an interracial relationship. Some black people will get mad when they hear that a black man or woman is generally more attracted to and prefers a white partner rather than dating within their race. I don’t necessarily see a problem with this as long as it’s not one of those dudes that just come right out and say “I don’t date black chicks.” Hey, we all have preferences don’t we? Is it any different than a black woman who says she prefers a dark chocolate man? At the end of the day, her preference is based on the color of her counterpart’s skin tone.

And as far as black women out there still complaining that the white women are taking all of your men, nobody told you that you had to date a black man. Switch it up. As a matter of fact, I have a very close white friend who happens to like women with some melanin in their skin. Hit me up if you’re interested. Now that I think about it, a lot of my friends are in interracial relationships, and they all seem to be genuinely happy. They didn’t do it because they thought their boy/girlfriend was a status symbol. They didn’t do it because they thought it would be easier dating someone white either. This brings me to another point. I’ve heard people claiming that Tiger never would’ve gotten away with this had he been married to a black woman, “cuz ain’t no sistah gon’ stand for that bs.” Negroes please. I know plenty of black women who have been cheated on and didn’t do shit about it. Some of them might do something stupid like flatten all four tires on your Cadillac and put a brick through your windshield (true story). But a message to all the ladies out there, you cannot hurt a man by harming his personal belongings. For one, anything worth destroying is probably insured or covered by some kind of accidental damage warranty. All that’s going to do is piss him off and make him want to hurt you even more. The only way to truly hurt a man is to…….nah, I’m not gonna tell you.

Another comment in the article that stuck out to me brought up the notion of how some people would act towards Barack Obama had he married a white woman. Seeing as how he’s a light skinded, half black, Harvard graduate, how many people out there riding the Obama train would call him a sellout if Michelle were white instead of black? For that matter, would more white people have accepted him had he been married to a white woman? Yeah I’m sure a lot of black people would still vote for him just because he was black (which is another topic that I could rant about for hours), but a lot of people would have probably thought a little more about that decision. Of course the Republicans still had Sarah Palin on their team, which technically wouldn’t have made that much of a difference this time around anyway. You get the point I’m getting at here though. True enough it’s easier for a people to date someone with a similar culture or background, but you don’t see the Vatican going ape shit when a famous catholic person marries a protestant. Maybe we should just make race like we do religion. You can convert to being Jewish or Catholic, so why not convert some of these white women over to the dark side before they’re allowed to get married to a black man? They would have to go through a series of tests to prove their “blackness” and even have to start checking the little box on all applications marked “Black and/or of African descent.” Would that satisfy everybody?

MyShoeBag Presents: The Dark Knight

With tomorrow's release of Chris Brown's album, guest writer The Dark Knight offers his opinion on why we shouldn't count out the young buck. I'm sure that album has some good beats on it at the least

Remember the days where a good ol’ fashion beef sold records; a lie here (Pac sleeping with Faith Evans), fabrication there (Rick Ross, “I ain’t never been a correctional officer, oh wait there was that time in the early 90’s I spent collecting a pay check…but I was crooked though”), a diss song based on a ½ second encounter with another artist that didn’t go the way that you wanted (Mariah Carey and Em)…but domestic violence? That’s a new one for me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am most certainly familiar with artists using mean and hurtful language when describing other artist in their music to create a buzz around a record ors to create this publicity surrounding their new album releases, but Rhiana and Chris Brown have taken the “Drama Sells” approach to a whole new level. Before I get into this brief tirade of sorts let me say for the record, I am against any type of domestic violence…and just in case you had the tendency to cheer let me be specific; my stance is not just against cowardly men putting their hands on women, but also gassed up women feeling they can put they hands on a man.”

Now that I got that out of the way; I find it extremely interesting how an individual who has suffered extreme brutality at the hands of her significant other back in February can go into complete obscurity with no sign of imminent return or appearance. And then, nine months later you are back on the scene in full affect, ready to birth another album all in the name of generating awareness to other young women about the seriousness of domestic violence. I mean the interview airs national November 6, and the album drops a couple of weeks after. My question is where were you 7, 8 months ago? Have you made any other public appearance to educate individuals on the warning signs of abuse? And please spare me the she was finally ready to talk about it speech because it wasn’t like her mouth was wired shut or she was in a coma like state that prevented her from coming public sooner. I’m not downing Rhiana for speaking out…I’m just curious as to the timing.

And just to be fair…Chris you couldn’t come out with an initial statement about how you felt in regards to the Rhiana interview? Oh wait, maybe you were after your community service you became too consumed with helping young men deal with their anger. Whatever the case, I’m sure tonight we will see a very remorseful, I never thought I could be that guy, I’ve never been like that in any other relationship, witnessing domestic violence with my own eyes growing up had no effect on me, etc., etc. I’m sure that you won’t mention the new album at all…unless Robin Roberts ask you about it (wink wink). I’m sure by the previews that your Mr. Rodgers sweater and coy demeanor will preserve some of the album sales that you might have lost…considering it comes out December 8th.
At the end of the day, there is nothing like some CONTORVERSY to help sell records…no matter the severity.

MyShoeBag Presents: The Black Avenger

Today's note is brought to you by a special ghost writer who goes by "The Black Avenger"

The Game Done Changed:

When you reach a certain level of popularity, people are going to be in your business 24/7. There are going to be cousins, uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, parents, children and a whole lot of other people coming out of nowhere claiming that you owe them this or that, or asking can they have this or that. As far as I’ve seen, most public figures keep a tight rein on their past and can easily buy off or litigate their way out of any funny business committed by these individuals. What gets me is the way these public figures, these ridiculously rich public figures, especially the men, continue to act like dumb dummies when it comes to getting some action on the side. It’s like they grew up with all these chicks throwing booty at them and the minute they jump into to the top 5% tax bracket they start losing their damn minds and forgetting how the game is supposed to work. There are piss poor men out here that have had secret families for years and nobody knows until his funeral and there is a whole ‘nother family sitting on that first pew and that little boy in the front looks just like little Junebug. Why can’t these dudes with money at their disposal get it together? It’s an unsaid rule that men with power and money cheat, not all of them but I would go out on a limb and say most of them. It would seem to me that the wives of these men know this, hell some of them may have been the other woman at some point in time. Where these dudes are getting the game twisted is that they feel that they are untouchable in that aspect, and that they can go around banging all these different chicks all willy nilly and not have any consequences. I’ll go a step further and say that they aren’t even just banging these chicks but they are showing them too much love.

Example, a high profile sports star is married with children, he goes to Vegas meets a cocktail waitress that would turn a Catholic priest into a salivating horndog (hehe..horndog), and he takes her back to the room for a romp. He may even take her number so that the next time he is in Vegas they will hook up again. So he calls and texts her dropping a bunch of sweet nothings in her ear, until wifey finds out; then he doesn’t know the chick, never met her, and whatever other denial claims he can come up with. The wife threatens divorce, the dude sees half of his…and I stress, HIS hard money going to pay for a new toy for the wife, and claims he will never talk the chick again. He tells the other lady it’s over and the next thing you know it’s all over CNN, ESPN, ABC, and NPR that this guy is a cheater from way back, and this other lady knows more about him than his own wife. Now the guy’s rep is in shambles al because he didn’t play the game like it’s supposed to be played.

Fellas, let me drop a jewel on you…if you are going to cheat make sure you have no feelings for the other chick, don’t buy her nice expensive gifts, don’t wine and dine her. If you can help it, don’t even get her name. Treat her like the hoe she is. Now ladies before you get upset, if the chick is messing with a dude she knows has a wife and kids at home she is a whore plain and simple. The problem I see happening with the rich dudes is that they are tricking dough on these jumpoffs and making them feel like they are more than what they are. I don’t care if you are Bill Gates rich, it is trickin if you got it, ain’t got it, or never will have it. If you have money to blow like that spend it on yourself or your kids, not some random piece of ass that will have your head(pun intended) if you try to cut it off with her. Because in her eyes, she is your woman now. This should be common sense to most of dudes but to those who don’t know, never ever, ever, ever treat a jumpoff with love and respect. Miss me with that all women should be treated with respect bullsh!t cause it ain’t true, ladies this goes for you too. Use the brutally honest approach if necessary and let her know she is just something to do and if she can’t handle it move around. There are chicks out there content with being a booty call...trust that. Some of these smuts just want the pleasure of saying they got smashed by a famous dude, I’ve heard it before. Don’t leave voice messages and text messages. That’s called a paper trail, don’t be friends on Facebook, don’t call on birthdays, kwanza, easter, nothing. You would think with all the money these guys have it would be easy to cover up infidelity but those smuts are only in it for the pay day any fool can see that. There should be cameras in every corner of the room during a sweaty sex session, just for protection against false allegations, if you can help it even an eyewitness with a notarized contract of what’s about to go down. You’re rich. Name me one chick that wouldn’t sign an agreement to sleep with a Denzel or Kobe. If she’s not willing to sign then move around. This goes for the broke playas out there as well, not just the ones with money. I’m just saying take precautions and be careful, some may say “well you not thinking about the consequences when it happens”, I say that’s the stupidest sh!t I ever heard. Think about the consequences before it happens and you’ll be a little bit better prepared. And if you can’t deal with the repercussions don’t cheat, and if you have to cheat leave your girl cause in the end you will end up being the loser; be it your life (RIP Steve McNair), your rep (RIP Cablasian Tiger, hello black Tiger) or your money (too many to name). Just be smart.