Why Did I Go See This Movie Too?

I first read that the new Tyler Perry movie ‘Why Did I Get Married Too’ was pretty bad on one of the random blog sites that I check daily when I should be working, but I just kinda blew it off as one man’s opinion. Then my roommate told me it really was that bad. I started to believe it, but he’s a cynic…and he’s White. Then another friend confirmed that all the opinions that I had heard about the movie were indeed true. There was one saving grace, however; the movie was so bad that it was actually entertaining. It was at that point that I knew I had to watch this movie. So that is what I did, but I did my best to have an objective opinion going in and not be swayed by what I’d heard about the movie so far. So I went into the theatre with an open mind and bag of gummi bears that weren’t bought at the movie theatre’s concession stand. These are the notes I jotted down in my Blackberry during the movie (some commentary was added afterwards):

Very First Scene – Who thought it was a good idea to bring in their niece and nephew to play the role of the kids in the movie? This was some of the worst child acting I had seen in a long time. Don’t Will and Jada have two kids that can act? I wouldn’t have even been mad if they put Dakota Fanning in Black Face and had her play one of the roles as opposed to this. Seriously, it was like they took two kids who couldn’t read really well in the first place, and they told them to read their lines from a teleprompter.

Matter of fact, the kids aren't the only actors in the first scene who let you know just how bad the acting is going to be. Were TP and his beautiful Blasian wife (who looked better with long hair) trained at the local elementary school? Could their facial expressions be any more exaggerated, laughter any faker, etc.???

**Note to Tyler Perry - This is a movie and not one of your stage productions or those plays you hear advertised on your local classic R&B stations ("Lawd, Why Did I Choose the Wrong Man Again" - Starring that one girl from that one-hit wonder song from that one year back in the day!).You’re welcome

Airport Scene – Why did they have to take Angela’s role as the angry black woman to new heights? We all know damn well she wouldn’t have been acting a complete fool like that in an airport. Security woulda been on her ass like Lindsay Lohan on a line of blow.

How do you manage to make Janet Jackson look so mediocre? She went from sex symbol to looking like someone's Big Mama real quick.


Why were all the men asking their wives if they could go hang out with the other men? Pull ya skirts down, B! Grow a set.

What’s up with the cinematography? This was by far my biggest gripe with the movie. Seriously, the movie looks like it was shot by an Everest College film student. Evidently there was actually someone who listened to that annoying ass guy on the commercials and got off the couch to assist in a shitty movie.

To drive my previous point home: There’s a scene when all the men were out at the beach chillin on the Jet Skis? I counted four times that the camera shot to Lamman Rucker (aka Jill Scott’s husband in the movie) and he didn’t say anything. I’ve heard of a reaction shot, but c’mon son!

It got so bad that I actually said “say something, nigga” out loud in the theatre.

20 minutes later, he finally did.

Overly dramatic beach scene with Lou Gossett and the go-to old-wise-black-lady Cicely Tyson , who has to be pushing at least 107 years old by now. The whole time it felt like Keenan Ivory Wayans should’ve popped up from the side and yelled “MESSAGE!” I guess Tyler Perry forgot to get the mailman costume.

Ok so now they head home where there were so many plot twists that I really don’t even remember what all happened. So it’s like I never should’ve went to this movie in the first place. I remember there was some unrealistic scene between Janet and the New York Undercover Cop which was just kinda all around creepy.

The dude who played Mike Tyson should have slapped the shit out of his wife by now.

Jane Jackson went ape shit and broke everything in the house that was made of glass, which pretty much equates to everything because we all know how much black folks love glass furniture, but she still has to live there. Smart, right? The rage of Papa Joe lives on.

Jill Scott’s husband caught her at her ex husband’s place and he snapped, but instead of checking his broad, he went after the other dude. So he lost all of the cool points that he had gained throughout the movie.

All the wives starting going up to their husband’s jobs and starting trouble. Ultimately it backfired in Janet Jackson’s face. The whole scene was just awkward and stuck out like my white roommate at a Tyler Perry movie. I won’t say what happened because I don’t wanna ruin it for the people who haven’t seen it yet, but I’ll just say she must have felt like a real bitch at that point.

The movie ended somehow with The Rock (yes, the wrestler) asking Janet Jackson out on a date, but the only thing that I was thinking was, “When did the The Rock turn 66?” Nigga looked like he was headed straight to the AARP office as soon as the director yelled cut.

Overall the movie was definitely entertaining to say the least, but not in a good way. More like in a-bad-car-accident-on-the-side-of-the-road kind of way. Despite the bad acting and overacting, and horrible cinematography, and plot twists, and Janet Jackson’s lack of appeal.....I’m trying to come up with a compliment here, but I’m drawing a blank. I never thought I’d see the day where one Tyler Perry movie could do injustice to another Tyler Perry movie.

DONM: Death of Nicki Minaj

Seeing as how I try to avoid BET programming at all costs, I can’t confirm this completely, but I was reading allhiphop.com and a discussion thread stated that one of the hosts on 106 & Park compared Nicki Minaj to Janet Jackson or referred to her as the Janet Jackson of our generation. Please take a moment to shake your head in utter disappointment. I don’t know if this just intensifies my dislike for Nicki Minaj and BET or if it solidifies how dumb and apparently deaf the vast majority of music listeners under the age of 22 are. I’ve never really been much a fan of any female rapper ever. Much like the WNBA and golf it is another area where the male comparison is supremely better and more entertaining. With that being said, I can’t deny that I’ve nodded my head to a few tracks and have given props to some femcees in the game for spitting a hot 16 or two. This Nicki Minaj broad however is just plain annoying. I might go to hell for saying this, but this bitch just needs to die already. She used to be cute until she started cutting up her face with all that plastic surgery. Not to say I still wouldn’t do some things to her, but in all reality that ain’t saying much. She pretty much swagger jacked Lil Kim’s whole Barbie persona, but she’s not as entertaining as Kim once was. And I’m not sure who told her those little voice inflections that she does when she raps is cool or appealing, but it is most definitely not. It’s weird and it makes my ears bleed.

It makes me angrier because I don’t want to be considered a hater. But I have to accept the fact that I do indeed hate Nicki Minaj. I would gladly listen to Wocka Flocka Flame for the rest of my life if I no longer had to hear her voice. I don’t even listen to the radio, and I could always just turn the channel when a video of hers comes on TV, but the thing is since she’s the “hot” trend right now, she’ll be featured on other people’s albums. She was on the last Robin Thicke joint and the new Ursha. I wouldn’t be surprised if half of the major upcoming releases have her featured on a track. So I have to accept the fact that she’s probably gonna be around for at least another year or so until the industry gets tired of her.

So can you all do me a favor out there? Please refrain from supporting her if at all possible. Don’t request her songs (do people still call into radio stations?). If you hear her on the radio, turn the dial. If her song comes on in a club, stop dancing. If you see her on BET, slap yourself for still watching BET (unless of course you’re watching the BlackBuster Movie of the Week). That is all. I should probably get back to work now.

Trick Please

So being a sponsor is what’s hot these days? No, I’m not talking about donating money to a little league team or anything like that. I’m talking about dudes giving money, gifts, favors, etc. to women just for the hell of it. Now to the unknowing person it would seem that any man doing this for a woman has some kind of relationship with her whether it is a close friend, a deep emotional connection or purely sexual. I always knew there were simps out there who did what they had to do to get theirs. I have no problem with these guys, but this is a little ridiculous. See, I had a friend of mine tell me that some guy paid one or some of her bills so I just assumed that she had a sugar daddy on the side that helped her out from time to time. Come to find out, there is a difference between a sugar daddy and a sponsor. Apparently sugar daddies get sex, but sponsors pretty much know that they get nothing in return. Huh? Where they do that at? And before we go any further, despite what your favorite rapper told you, it is in fact tricking even if you do have it. Its one thing to know that sponsoring is something that happens, but now dudes are promoting it. If you haven’t heard, Tierra Marie has a song out with the two of the greatest lyricists to ever touch the mic, Souljaboy and Gucci Mane, appropriately titled “Sponsor.” No, I haven’t heard the song so I can’t tell you if it is catchy or not. I’m only speaking about the message that this song is sending out. It was always my impression that when dudes were tricking their money, even if they got something in return, it wasn’t an action that was glorified.

It’s understandable for women or any recipient of said sponsorship to be in favor of it, so maybe I’m just speaking from pure jealousy here because I don’t have one, but what is the point of being one of these sponsors? Is it because some of these guys have extra disposable income and they just want to make someone’s life easier? Could be, but I’m fairly certain that these are probably the same guys who don’t donate money to any local charities or homeless people. Maybe it’s to have some kind of control over their recipients in case they ever need a favor from them. I’m absolutely stumped. Not because I’m cheap, which I don’t think that I am. And it’s not because I’m selfish even though I definitely am. I don’t understand it because I always assumed that you never give or get something for nothing. I’m gonna stop now before these random women say that I’m blocking and what not…just had to jot this random thought down real quick.

Be Easy

In case you were never aware of a late breaking sociological study, women love to argue. They love drama, and they can’t survive without it. This is the same reason why women will befriend someone who they tell their other friends that they can’t stand, and constantly talk about this person behind their back. It’s the same reason why women will enter and continue a relationship that has no benefit whatsoever to them. She doesn’t even have to really even like the other guy that much, but because there’s drama involved, she will stay. I don’t know if it’s for pure entertainment or what. Let’s say you have a group of guys riding in the car having a discussion. One guy gets out. What happens next? The remaining guys will move on to the next subject or whatever catcher their attention next. Now replace those guys with women. If one gets out of the car, there’s a much higher chance that one of the remaining women in the car will have something sassy or unappealing to say about the person who just exited the vehicle. When the next one gets out she will then call the first person who got out and inform her of what the other two people in the car said about her. And the cycle of drama continues. If you weren’t aware, women even have the powers to turn compliments into insults. Everyday in America some woman asks her man how she looks in some random outfit. If the guy says “It’s straight” or “it’s cool” then the outfit isn’t good enough and he thinks she’s ugly and fat. God forbid that the guy pauses before he answers. The crazy thing is even if he says, “You look gorgeous. You are the most beautiful woman in the world.” She will reply with “That’s not true…tell me what you really think!” Now she doesn’t believe you, and everything you ever told her up to this point in the relationship has been a lie.

The easiest solution would be to just take a break from women, but unfortunately for men, we all have a temptation that we can’t shake. No, it’s not a woman herself ; it’s her vagina. And the woman has to come as part of a package deal. So how are we as men supposed to deal with these drama loving beings until the end of time? You can’t just simply not argue with them. One way or another they will pull you in. Women, for some reason (read: no logic implied), believe that if her man won’t argue with her that he isn’t passionate about the relationship and that he doesn’t care enough. If a woman gets this notion enough, she will eventually take her vagina away from you, and we can’t have that now can we? So for the fellas out there, here are a few ways that you can minimize the arguing between you and the woman in your life.

First of all, pick your beef. She may get on some crazy soapbox about something that pisses you off, but don’t engage in an all out scream-fest unless it’s something you are truly passionate about. Like if she wants to watch Grey’s Anatomy, but you haven’t reached your checkpoint on Call of Duty yet. Understand that it is in a woman’s DNA to fight for dumb shit. Yeah it’s just as easy for her to put the toilet seat back up after she finishes so that you don’t have to keep lifting it up over and over again, but let her have that one. If you’re gonna fight, make sure it’s worth the time and whatever after affects it may have down the road.

Think AGAIN before you talk. Have you ever been in an argument with a woman, and as soon as she made a comment you were able to counter it with quick thinking and a great comeback that pretty much shut the whole conversation down? Next time, don’t do that. Now you’re not just the bad guy, but you’re the bad guy who’s an asshole who doesn’t consider her feelings. Women are trained to believe that they are always right, and to crush them with sheer logical thought is the biggest insult a man can ever give to a woman. Instead of throwing a verbal haymaker into the argument, say it with an upward inflection that sounds like a question. This way she can answer it and believe that it was her who resolved the problem. She wins because she can now tell all of her friends how she “won” the argument. You win because you get to finish watching the game.

Lastly, I would advise that you never fully engage in the argument in the first place if you don’t have to. Just nod and smile and agree with her. Just don’t make it seem phony. Say “you right” (see how it works here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olGq3TOs174&feature=related ) about 6 or 7 times and it’ll be over before you know it. But be careful to avoid these two common mistakes. Never apologize and never admit you were wrong unless you have no other choice. It will come back to haunt you in the future. Saying “sorry” is an admission of guilt. Therefore say something along the lines of “I’m sorry if by me doing ______ you feel _____.” As I’ve told others before, I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong. Pretty much everything I do is based on a logical decision where I’ve evaluated the consequences and made the appropriate actions based on that logic. Sometimes it’s drunk logic. Sometimes it’s angry logic. But it was always the right decision at the time.

That’s all I can do to help you guys for now. The only other solution would be to find a woman who doesn’t feed off drama and argue for no apparent reason. And if you’ve already found her, see if she has a sister for me.

Get Off Your High Tower, Steve

How did we get to the point where women are so hard pressed to find and keep a man that they will go to extremes to make it happen? European women are notorious for spending tens of thousands of dollars making trips back and forth to see men who are in prison for life and some that are on death row. They pour lots money into their commissary, and for what? It’s not like there’s much more you can do other than read and write a few letters, and have a monitored conversation. Do conjugal visits even exist anymore? I highly doubt that these dudes have wills to leave behind to the women either. Not because of legal reasons or anything, I just figure most convicted murderers and rapists don’t have an estate to leave behind to loved ones. I don’t know how repulsive or diseased ridden a woman has to be to stoop to this kind of level to get attention from a man, but damn…there are a lot of dudes out there that will do anything for piece of ass.

American women have taken it one step further. They have resulted into getting relationship advice from the one and only Steve Harvey. Yes the nigga with the 7 button suits…yeah, the guy who was still rocking the same flat box cut for the past 26 years before he finally cut it off a few months ago. The same guy who needs to resort back to that box cut because being bald is not working for him at all. It takes a special kind of man to pull it off. It’s just not for everyone (that goes for you too, Mario).

It’s not like it’s new news that Steve Harvey wrote a book titled “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.” It actually was number one on the New York Times best seller list. For that I applaud Steve. No hatred over here for the dude making some extra cash and getting some recognition. What I have a problem with is whoever told him he was a relationship guru. It should probably be noted that he’s on his third marriage. Doesn’t a woman reading his book equate to a woman taking advice from her lonely bitter friend who can’t keep a man, but tells her everything that is wrong in her relationship. Isn’t he more qualified to write a book called “Third Time Is The Charm: What To Do When You’ve Fucked Up Two Marriages”? I’m sorry, Steve, but just because you gave Romeo and Bullethead some fatherly advice every once in a while doesn’t entitle you to tell any woman what she needs to do in her relationship. It took him like 7 seasons to finally close on Regina. What’s next? Are we gonna start hangin with Mr. Cooper to tell us how to raise kids?

Really, how much can you put in a book telling a woman to think like a man? Think logically. The End. I’m also kinda pissed off that he would write a book telling women to think like men in the first place. If your woman can think like you that means you can’t get away with shit, because she’s already a step ahead of you. Thanks for telling all the locker room secrets, Kobe. I personally don’t see what any woman can really gain from reading a book about relationships. For one, half of the women who read the book probably dropped out of some sort of school at some point in their life. Just in my professional opinion, I don’t think they are going to take anything written in a book and be able to apply it. I’m just sayin. Now I didn’t read the book, but I think I can make an accurate assessment of it: men tend to exhibit a certain type of behavior so if a woman wants to keep her man she should acknowledge and respect it as such. Probably not spot on, but it’s somewhere in that area. I really don’t think relationship books in general are meant to be taken seriously. I’m sure they can make for a great conversation piece between friends and/or couples. But if anyone is so down on their love life, wondering why things never work out and is looking to one of those books for serious advice, please stop…put the book down…get in your car…and drive to the nearest therapist. You need more than a book to help you out. Matter of fact, instead of spending the $20 on the book, give me the money and I’ll tell you what the problem is. Seriously. Maybe I should write a book on why people shouldn’t read books. The funny thing is I think it could actually work

The Defense of John Mayer

Yes you read that right. The DEFENSE of John Mayer. Every time a white guy goes on TV or gives an interview and says something concerning race he is looked at as being racist. More often than not that is the case. But sometimes people can be trying to prove a point but it just comes out wrong, who can say that’s never happened to them. Personally, I was never offended with the Don Imus comments. If we’re gonna keep it real, them hoes WAS nappy headed. Now KKKramer on the other hand, there was just no excuse for that. Say “nigger” once and maybe you’re a comedian bringing home a joke who’s bold enough to say the word. Say it twenty times while referencing lynching and Jim Crow laws, and we have a problem on our hands. Then Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton come out to play, and we all know they are here to save black people right? Right?

I, for one, thought his interview with Playboy was kind of funny. I find it very entertaining for someone to push the envelope and make people uncomfortable as long as it doesn’t get offensive. And his interview wasn’t offensive in the least bit. Not to me it wasn’t. I think if we all take a look at the controversial quotes from the interview, we’ll all agree that it wasn’t that bad.

When asked about his 2006-07 relationship with Jessica Simpson:

That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren't good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me... Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm...
There are people in the world who have the power to change our values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, "I want to quit my life and just fuckin' snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.

I just thought this was funny as hell. But seriously moving on to the more controversial parts of the interview….

PLAYBOY: If you didn’t know you, would you think you’re a douche bag?

MAYER: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are “Your Body Is a Wonderland” and “Daughters.” If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.

PLAYBOY: Because you’re very?

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”

PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.

MAYER: What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.

PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.

PLAYBOY: Let’s put some names out there. Let’s get specific.

MAYER: I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, “Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.” And you’d be like, “What? We weren’t talking about that.” That’s what “Heartbreak Warfare” is all about, when a girl uses jealousy as a tactic.

So let’s jump right into it here and start off with his use of the N-Word. Just from reading the interview as a whole, it’s quite obvious that dude was drunk, high, or both at the time. Don’t let the word control all of your emotions and think about what he’s saying for a second. See if John Mayer really had a hood pass, saying the word nigger wouldn’t be a problem in the first place. Granted he never should've said it, but what's done is done. He’s saying that he can’t be given a hood pass, for one, because he can’t really identify with the bullshit people from the hood actually have to go through. I think he’s trying to denounce the use of the term “hood pass” because technically if you have one, there’s no need for one. Does a hood pass automatically turn white people into honorary black people or something?

I’m not sure how this answer of saying what it means to be black relates to any of the questions he was asked, but he does have a point (whatever that may be). If you ask me what being black is, I couldn’t give you a definitive answer. Either way, I don’t see the problem with what he said here. Maybe having more famous rapper friends than me allows him to give his perspective on black people and people will actually give a shit, or at least pretend like they do. The only rapper friends I have are the ones who didn’t get a job after they left school and figured they could get a Casio keyboard and a mic and make some “music” in the empty room of their parent’s house. Silly negroes. Moving on…

Finishing this off in regards to his comments about having black women throw themselves at him, again I understand what the guy is getting at. I can identify with what he’s saying. I’m not against dating white women, but it just doesn’t seem to work out that way…ever. As far as having a white supremacist penis goes, you gotta give the guy some kind of props for the comic relief. If we move on to his reference of Kerry Washington being “white girl crazy” I mean take a really good look at her, I see exactly what he’s talking about. I could actually see her saying some off the wall shit like that.

With that said, I don’t think for one second John Mayer is racist. I think he’s a white boy who got a little drunk and a little too comfortable and fucked up. Shit happens. But seriously, don’t let it happen again Johnny Boy. Anybody care to weigh in? Do you think John Mayer is racist? Are you offended by what he said?

Sarah Palin's Helping Hand

Sooooo….Sarah Palin is really on a blazing trail to make herself a revolutionary of the Republican Party. I’d be interested to see what hilarity would ensue on a ticket with her AND Michael Steele together. After all the dumb ass comments (or lack there of) she made during the presidential race back in 2008, I thought that maybe she would take some time to get her act together and try not to make an ass of herself. I thought we would never see a black president, but if this dumb ass broad continues to hang around the spotlight then I’m convinced we will never see a president of the female gender. Of course if you watch Faux News (see what I just did right there), you’ll be led to believe that she’s the only person that can pull us out of where we are as a nation. If you ask me, she’s setting women back about 10.7 years every time she makes a public appearance. So what has Ms. Palin been up to since the presidential race? Well she “wrote” a book pretty much shitting all over the committee put together for McCain’s campaign, the same one that fought to get her on the ticket. Good luck in 2012. When the Haiti tragedy struck, what did she do? No, she didn’t make any public appearances or speeches or give an interview about what we could do to help. She posted a note on Facebook and Myspace soliciting donations to the Red Cross. And now at the Tea Party convention that took place this past weekend, she continued to strengthen her legacy. I always assumed she didn’t know shit to begin with, but this was just ridiculous. During a Q&A session, she actually had notes written on the inside of her hand to help her get through the whole ordeal. Now, I just always thought people stopped this in elementary school as they developed more clever ways to get away with cheating, but then I thought to myself “we’re dealing with Sarah Palin, here.” This is the same woman who couldn’t explain why North and South Korea were separate nations. The same woman who, when asked by Katie Couric to give examples of John McCain’s policy plans during the presidential race, she said “I’ll try to find some and bring them back to you.” Word? Despite the fact that she must not have gotten the memo about that new invention that scientist just discovered last week called pencils and paper where most Americans can jot notes down and refer back to them if needed, I somehow didn’t think she could be this stupid. Somebody get this woman some school supplies, please. If she were still in grade school or at a regular 9 to 5, she would have been suspended or fired for something like this, but I guess the GOP will do whatever they have to so that they can keep people talking. That way they won’t seem like a bunch of old boring white men who sit around in blue blazers talking about country music and how great it is to be “the man”. I wish there was a way I could just put her and Wocka Flocka Flame together in a car and have it driven off of a cliff into a lake of fire with OJ Da Juiceman locked in the trunk. One could only dream.