A few times a week my esteemed white friend known at the MyShoeBag offices as “Whitey” will send me a bbm with a quote sent by someone he knows on Facebook. This quote will usually contain some of the most NIGnorant bullshit that you can think of anyone saying. Of course I don’t have to ask what color the person is because usually he will include the person’s name along with the quote. Now why does Whitey continue to send me these quotes? Personally, I think he’s racist and he just wants to make fun of black people. Those of you who know Whitey will probably agree. He’s into psycho-science called sociology and all so he claims he’s just calling out the issues in hopes that black people will do better as a whole.
Whatever the case is, he got a point across. One of the names he sent over recently was so catastrophically horrible that I had to take a stand and make an effort t to put a stop to one of the many plagues that are keeping us negroes back. So this is a PSA to all black people to calm down with the use of these hood names that they give to their children at birth. I agree 100% with Bill Cosby on this one.
Names like “DeQuan” and “Tayvionne” and “LaShamia” (zing!) serve no purpose what so ever. They don’t sound cute. They are not empowering. Naming your son Q’vion’iskha’a with a silent K doesn’t get back at The Man. You can’t call them traditional black names like “Tyrone” or “Jamal”. White people have gotten used to those by now. These new waves of names are the ones where white people point and laugh behind your back. And they put Popeyes chicken and grape soda on your desk when you’re not looking. Not to say that’s necessarily a bad thing. Like most black people I love Popeyes chicken (with Cajun sparkle of course) and some Welch’s grape soda, out of the can please, but that still doesn’t make it right. But, I digress.
The names are getting ridiculous, and all they do is stick out like a sore thumb on a resume. Thankfully I have a very racially ambiguous name so I’m good. But I feel bad for a lot of the people whose parents didn’t have as much common sense as mine. I especially feel bad for men who otherwise have very normal names except the parents decided to put a “La-“ in front of it i.e. LaCharles or some bullshit like that. You know what that does to your son? It makes him 45% more likely to be gay. It’s a fact of life.
I know black people seem to want their child to have a unique name that’s never been heard before in hopes that the child will become something special. The reason the name never existed before is because no one likes it. It sounds absurd. Stop it. Now. Pick up a book of baby names. Use it. If all else fails, pick up the Bible and scroll the New Testament. Pick a name. Unless you are Mexican do NOT pick Jesus. Follow these rules and maybe you’re kid will stay away from jail…or even worse MySpace. Otherwise these kids will grow up with horrible names, which lead to low self esteem, and they will resent you, the parent. And none of us ever want our kids to resent us to the point that they end up doing low budget porn trying to make a name for themselves in the entertainment industry. But I’ma let the fish burn on that one.
