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SXSW

This year marks the first time that I've had the opportunity to truly experience SXSW throughout the whole week and soak it all in...pause? To put it short: if you decided to go on a spring break trip to South Padre Island or Panama Beach, FL, you're losing. I'm currently on day 4 and I've had about a total of 12 hrs sleep overall. Its all good though and its all worth it. I already have a few stories to take away with me this year including some crazy chicks from San Francisco, but we'll talk about that later. With that being said, this post is all about the upcoming showcase hosted by WonderSounds Music Group at Betsy's Bar this Saturday at 4pm. Its free and there will be drink specials. The headliner will be one of the dopest underground groups out of Houston, The Niceguys. The showcase is comprised of hip hop and r&b artists including Jack Freeman, Bluu Suede, Twank Star, and Full Metal F Dot. And it doesn't stop there. We'll also have a DJ set featuring Austin's own Dynamic Duo with DJ Knowledge and Wes Sanders. It's an event that's not to be missed; trust me on this. Expect a live band, good people, and great times this Saturday, March 19 at Betsy's Bar from 4p-7p.

Caught In The Rapture

Apparently it’s coming, ladies and gentlemen. Now before anyone thinks I’m mocking the end of times as told in the book of Revelations, I assure you I’m not. I do have a problem, however with this prediction of 2012 being the end all be all. Because of a few natural disasters and some dead animals, everybody’s going nuts acting like they’re about to get left behind. Chiiillll. It’ll be ok. Natural Disasters have been happening forever because…gasp…they’re natural disasters. I’m pretty sure those fish in California and the birds in Arkansas had a perfectly reasonable explanation of why those events happened. Because that’s what shit does, it happens. I suppose if people actually do believe the end is nearer than we could imagine then it’ll make more of them start living a better life. I’m not one to really criticize. I’m no model Christian. I’m pretty much banking on the fact that I’m a generally good person with a few vices. I figure if I continue on this path, I’ll most likely end up in purgatory for a good portion of eternity. Even still, wouldn’t it be great if we all could just learn to live a good life out of GP instead of immediately following a natural disaster? As Sam Cooke once said, what a wonderful world this could be.

Have a good weekend.

Beautiful Lasers

Hip Hop fans are the most fickle fans of any genre of music ever. They’ll stop supporting a certain artist because he’s “too old.” They claim to be real supporters of certain artists, but will download an album before it even crosses his mind to purchase it. They will literally not support or listen to one artist because another artist who they like more has a “beef” with the other guy. My biggest gripe with hip hop fans is that many of them simply don’t know what they want. An artist will get criticized because he keeps talking about the same thing over and over, and has yet to change his subject matter; however when a rapper does switch his style up and become a little more diverse with his music, fans reject it because he’s changed too much. The fame went to his head and he needs to go back to “that College Dropout style.”

With that said, I’d like to speak on the recent criticism of Lupe Fiasco’s latest effort, L.A.S.E.R.S. The week leading up to its release, I went to my slew of daily hip hop blogs to read the reviews and see what commentary the fans had to say about the album. I kid you not; I hadn’t read a single favorable review in support of the album. I dig Lupe though, so I purchased it anyway. I’m not gonna say the album was as good as Food & Liquor or The Cool, but L.A.S.E.R.S was far from the Frisbee that so many people are claiming it to be. Which prompts the question, do you listen to music or do you just skim through it? No the lyrics aren’t as witty and the word play isn’t as nice as it was on the first two efforts, but in an age where everyone seems to be complaining about the lack of diversity on radio playlists, or rappers inability to speak from the heart; you would think this album would be an answer to their prayers. It would be completely foolish of me to say that the album was perfect. Far from it, it had a few missteps (especially that atrocious song with Trey Songz). Maybe some people didn’t like the electro-pop feel to some of the production. I can see that plight, yet none of the production seems to hinder what Lupe is talking about. If anything it makes it a bit more interesting (in this writers opinion). Either way, I’m glad L.A.S.E.R.S. got its release. I believe he’s fulfilled his obligations to his record label, who he’s cited as stifling his creativity, and now we can get The Great American Rap Album that we’ve been waiting for later this year.

Crossover Appeal

I knew eventually I would get a topic request regarding this sooner or later. So a loyal ShoeBagger told me about one of his boys who was recently dating a black woman. Somehow, through a series of unfortunate events, she ends up spazzing out on him. Now he’s sworn off black women for good and will only talk to white women. It’s not the first time I’ve actually heard something similar to this sad story. I don’t get it though. I’m equal opportunity and have branched out to a few races. Some have more pros and cons as some others, but I’ve never experienced a con so bad that would make me just take myself out of the race for an entire race; that’s roughly 23 million women to cut off. Makes no sense to me. I’ve dealt with some neck rolling and finger waving before, but that’s not to say that all black women will end up going crazy on their guys; however when it does happen, no one ever seems to be surprised. I know somewhere out there someone is reading this, rolling her eyes thinking “He just can’t handle a strong black woman.” What the f*ck does that even necessarily mean? In my opinion, I’m all for the guy dismissing the chick for acting reckless, but I can’t agree with him cutting off a whole group of people because of the color of her skin may or may not lead to a tendency to flip her lid over something small. I’m sure he wouldn’t like it if he tried to talk to a white woman and she rejected him simply because she doesn’t date black guys. Then it becomes offensive. So technically that makes this guy no better than a racist. And I can say that because I’m not racist. I hate everybody. It’s definitely not because of the color of their skin. It’s more or less because of their accent, or because the drive slowly, or just the general ignut-ness of some of them.

I can’t judge anyone for having preferences with whomever they choose to date, and if his preference happens to be dating white women that’s cool. That’s about as much as I can agree with his decision. I would hope that dating white women is something he’s been doing prior to his incident with the black woman, instead of a reaction to getting sonned by ol girl. If that’s not the case then he’s doing it for all the wrong reasons. While I have absolutely no problem with anyone who decides to date outside of their race, I do have a problem with people who have a problem with it (yes, you Jill Scott). Why do you even care? I think everyone should at least give it a chance. I know all black men will agree with this. Because whether it’s a secret of his or he screams it from the mountain tops, every black man has a thing for white women. Why this is? I can’t really say. Either way that’s a totally different soapbox to get on. Besides, I don’t want to give ABC anymore ideas about how they can try to get sympathy out of me by making in another special report about single, black women and their inability to find a black man. Just know that when one black dude sees another black dude with a bad white chick he’s thinking, “Myyyy N-Word!” True story…that’s word to Taye Diggs.

Here...Damn, are you happy now?

She's been bugging me for weeks to post this...geez!!!


In an age where girls will put on Mr. Potato Head type removable hair (lacefront wigs in any incarnation) in an effort to imitate their favorite celebrities, I really can’t blame guys for lumping us all into one group. Factor in the “ooooh, girl you so different” chicks in their Urban Outfitters and American Apparel and even the “non-mainstream” is pretty mainstream. So, while I hate base generalizations and the inherent assumptions, some generalizations are based in truth and actually can save you a lot of time. For me, there are a few things that everybody does that I can’t stand but here are the top 5 things “all girls” do that really grind my gears. Obviously, there are exceptions so let’s not get all unduly indignant, overly defensive, lamely sarcastic, or generally offended (or do, cuz me and B are gonna laugh at you later either way).

1. Cuddle
Dude. Cuddling is really just not my thing. I’m a very affectionate person so I can be really touchy feely sometimes, but cuddling is really pushing it. I actually had a boo that enjoyed cuddling so much, I had to institute daily cuddle limits. And just to put the shit on the cookie, he really liked cuddling after sex. Now that is just too damn far. Before you call me a callous ice bitch, let me explain; I have a hot body. Not like I have a nice ATWR (I do) and big hoots (I don’t), but like my body temperature is high. After a little carnal interaction, there are very few things I can think of that are LESS appealing than cuddling. Given the position we were in for our little bedroom romp, I think a little space shouldn’t be objectionable.

2. Go through their significant other’s phone
I really hate this ish, man. I just don’t get it. If you feel the need to go through your man’s phone, I have to wonder why you don’t feel the need to get a new man. Plus, what are you looking for anyway? Do you expect to find Tiger Woods-esque text messages or Shaq-like emails?? Once again, if you expect to find it, you probably shouldn’t be in the relationship in the first place plus you’re liable to turn a text to his MOTHER into some far-stretched innuendo. I feel like this is one of those situations where an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. To put it more plainly, how bout you spend more time making him happy and not pissing him off BEFORE so you don’t feel the need to go through his phone later. M’kay, cupcake? Moving on…

3. Hate on interracial relationships
Look man, he’s not with you. Period. I know this is a touchy subject but ish just needs to be said. Now this doesn’t apply to guys who don’t date one group because the females “ALL” allegedly possess some characteristic; those guys are just dummies with piss poor judgment and probably minimal game and you should probably question your attraction to them. For the most part though, I don’t think dudes go out looking for an “other”, the shit just happens. Maybe “other” is always at the same bar as him, maybe she works with him, hell, maybe she just told him straight up she was feeling him and didn’t play any childish games or try to go through his phone when he wasn’t looking (yea, I’m talking about YOU). Either way, he’s with her, not you and even if he weren’t with an “other”, given how judgmental and bitter some women can be about this, he probably STILL wouldn’t want to be with you because, well, you’re kinda mean. Just sayin…

4. Say they only hang out with guys
Ladies, please stop saying this. It sounds silly. I’m sorry. I know I just hurt some feelings and Im probably getting some mean ass side-eyes, but this is nothing more than honest truth. I know this is only my 2nd post but I feel close to you already so I have no problems admitting that I used to be THAT girl. I only hung out with dudes because girls were too much drama, blah, blah, blah. Eventually, though, I had to be honest with myself and realize how absolutely ridiculous that is. STOP HANGING OUT WITH DRAMA-FULL GIRLS!!! Of course you only hang out with guys; only guys will tolerate you in hopes of getting some. For the most part, that male “bff” is trying to get in your pants. Get a girlfriend so that young man can get a break (and some ass). I’ve also noticed that most of the girls who say this are emotionally unstable, slightly delusional and/or attention needy (Case in point, Camille Grammer of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Having relationships with females is necessary to full development as a woman thus the lack thereof is usually perceived by men as a red flag for craziness, clinginess, or trifling-ho-bag-ness and is usually a red flag for craziness, clinginess, or trifling-ho-bag-ness.

5. Catch feelings
If a dude says, “I’m just tryna smash,” what he really means is, “Why are you talking? I just wanna smash.” PERIOD. No exceptions. Hey man, sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. That was easy*.

Clearly, ALL girls don’t do these things just like all guys don’t do the things in my last post and any assertion that they do or that I was in some way insinuating such is purest folly. I just felt these issues were widespread enough to warrant concern. What can I say? I’m altruistic and shit. You’re welcome.




*Being the garrulous and loquacious individual I am, I could embark on an eloquent soliloquy enumerating the numerous deleterious effects of fostering undue sentiments inconsistent with the assigned import of a situation, however personal experience and age have made it abundantly apparent that said unnecessary expenditure of my vocabulary would only detract from the gravity and candor of my statement.

He Just Won't Go Away

Shout out to Whitey for providing me with this link for more hilarious quotes from the chairman himself, Charlie Sheen. Peep the link below

livethesheendream.com

Kanye @ SXSW 2011?

Rumors are circulating that Kanye West will be making an appearance in Austin, TX at SXSW this year playing at the Vevo Power Station at midnight. The video below is what has caused all the speculation, as you can hear the opening notes to Kanye's hit "Runaway" as the video ends.

Charlie and Cocaine Factory

If there’s one thing we appreciate here at the ShoeBag, it’s someone who speaks their mind no matter what. If you’ve yet to see Charlie Sheen’s interview on the Today show, do it NOW. Maybe we all forgot how off the rocker Charlie Sheen could be at any given moment. How we forgot this, I’m not really sure, but I doubt anyone will ever forget about it anymore. And it only reaffirms my desire to party with this guy. Just for one night. We don’t even have to bring the briefcases of coke or hookers, although if he did I doubt I’d be able to say no. It’s Charlie Sheen. For the most part, the interview made me laugh. Not like I laugh at his tv show, which is hilarious, but kinda how you laugh when someone falls off of their bike. The hilarity doesn’t subside, but you’re thinking “I really hope that guy is alright. Someone should get him some help.” Other parts of the interview, I wasn’t laughing so much. I more or less stared blankly at my screen wondering aloud if he was able to say what he just said. Like when he said Alcoholics Anonymous was developed by a broken down fool and that it was for normal people, who aren’t special or have tiger blood in their veins…or Adonis DNA (he said that with a straight face, which actually made it a lot funnier). He went on to say that people who relapse or fall off the wagon are “fools. Trolls. Weak. Defeated” (not as funny, but wow!). The funniest part may be that he was trying to convince us the whole time that he was sober. And maybe he was. Because according to Charlie Sheen, you can’t process him with a normal brain. And ff you haven’t heard by now, Charlie Sheen is a rock star…from Mars? Yup, that’s what he said.

I don’t really care to debate whether he’s right or wrong for saying what he said. The guy feels as if he was wronged by the creators of the show and he’s standing up for what he wants. Amidst all of the psychological stress that he was put through, it’s good to know that someone out there believes in himself as much as Charlie Sheen does. Some might call him the modern day Che Guevera. I wouldn’t, but somebody out there might. One thing I think we can all agree on is that we’ve all wanted to cuss our bosses at one point or another so I can’t really be mad at him for calling the guy out. One thing that’s not up for debate, however, is the fact that Charlie Sheen is about as real as it gets. Charlie Sheen has more heart than your favorite rapper or politician could ever dream of having. Minus the hookers, porn stars, atheism, drugs and alcohol use, physical, mental, and/or verbal abuse against damn near every woman he’s been with, his general outlook on most everything, and what seems to be a slight case of paranoia, he’s a guy that you can look at and say, “That’s what I want my kids to be; someone who speaks his mind and stands up for himself.” And if you don’t feel that way, then you owe Charlie Sheen an apology. A big one. While licking his feet? Yup, that’s what he said.

Breaking News 2-25-2011

Los Angeles – In recent light of photo shoot involving Beyonce’ Knowles wearing makeup to in order to darken her skin complexion in a recent photo shoot, reports have surfaced of a major backlash towards teen pop sensation Justin Bieber for appearing in “whiteface” on a recent cover for People Magazine. Knowles cited her decision to pose for her “blackface” photos as a tribute to Nigerian musician and philanthropist Fela Kuti. Knowles’ husband, rapper Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter, is also a producer for the Broadway show Fela, which chronicles the life of Kuti. When asked why he chose to do his feature in white face, Beiber was quoted as saying, “I just wanted to, like, pay homage to many of the pop acts that, you know, like, blazed the trail and had way more screaming teenage girls, just like, throw themselves at their feet than I’ll probably ever dream of (smiley face). Like, The New Kids on the Block and Timberlake’s of the world. If I can just, like, live up to a fraction of what they did…with the shadow that they cast on the pop world, then I’ll be ok with that.”

Bieber has, however, received many critics for his actions. Legendary civil rights leader Jesse Jackson said of the young pop star’s recent photos, “Just because he’s white, don’t make it right.”

Republican, Tea Party member Glenn Beck cited other historical occasions where whiteface was used; most notoriously by the late king of pop, Michael Jackson. “It was reverse racism when he did it, and for kids to see a role model such as Beiber disgracing his race by partaking in an act that nigg…er…blacks have used for years to make themselves look better…it’s just unacceptable. If it’s so cool to be black, as they claim, then why try to be like us?” Beck declined to comment further on the incident stating that it would just add more incentive for “those n***er loving, leftists” to call him a racist bigot.

Rules of Engagement

Over the next 6 or 7 months I have two good friends and a brother getting married. While I’m happy for them having found someone to spend forever with, there’s still a selfish part of me that wishes they were able to continue running the streets and chase women. We all knew Whitey would be the first member of the Phab Phive to take the plunge. And it was only a matter of time before my brother broke down and sold out…I mean proposed. It’s all good though. The young women they’ve chosen to spend forever with (that’s a long time) are seemingly pretty cool. The best thing about this is that I also have numerous bachelor parties and wedding receptions to go to. As a single man, it’s the only reason why weddings are even important if you ask me. Out of respect for their relationships I won’t divulge into the details of debauchery that I plan on partaking in at these bachelor parties. As far as the wedding receptions go, every man has visions of his nights ending up like the first 30 minutes of “Wedding Crashers.” It probably won’t end up that way, but it’s not gonna stop me from getting slightly inebriated and hitting on random women. That includes the caterers.

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. It’s more about the whole idea of engaging in engagement. Do you guys remember the episode of “Martin” when he kept telling Gina about the cost of the engagement ring he bought her until she finally wrote him a thank you card? A lot of people probably thought that was ridiculous. Not me. In fact, I think Martin should have gotten a lot more out of the deal. After each of my friends/brother told me that he was engaged and their new fiancés were showing off their pretty new jewelry, I had to ask each of the women, “Well, what did you get him?” Surprisingly enough, they all gave me the exact same answer: “He gets me…forever.” If this were a sitcom, the studio audience would now go AWWWWW. Don’t get me wrong; that’s really cute. I mean that sincerely, but it’s just not enough. Now I don’t know the exact cost of an engagement ring because I don’t expect to be buying one for quite a while. But I did do some research and I found out that some people think it’s appropriate to drop 3 months’ salary on a ring. HA! Knock it off. I then consulted Google and they told me that the average engagement ring in the US will run somewhere in the range of $3500 - $5000. I guess that’s ok.

Now here is the problem, women have come to the conclusion that it’s perfectly ok to accept these ridiculously expensive gifts and give nothing else in return. At least nothing of physical value. And I told each of these ladies that are soon to be married to my good friends and brother that if they truly loved the men in their lives, they owe him something in return. I can’t put the blame solely on the women, however. Had they let these women know beforehand that they expect their grand gesture of proposing WITH a ring to be reciprocated with something for himself, they wouldn’t be where they are now, which is losing in the relationship. Because while you do indeed get her forever, she also gets you forever…plus a nice expensive ring. Lou. Zing.

My proposal is to get tickets to the man’s choice of sporting event. Is this not a fair trade? I would say so. This is why I’m offering full disclosure now, and will do so with any woman who is lucky enough to sweep me off of my feet and get a ring out of me. Whenever the Bulls have a home stretch (3 or 4 games), I want GOOD seats to each game with air fare to and from Chicago with accommodations in at least a 3 star hotel along with some spending cash because there’s a huge Nike store in town as well. If she gets a ring, this is what I want. There is no negotiating this.

Happy Birthday Mike

I couldn't let today go by without showing some love to the best to ever do it. I'm wearing Bulls gear and Air Jordans all day today...the VI's of course.

She's Back

So after reading the piece where I gave my little brother some advice, MeMe decided to retort with a man bashing piece. I was gonna go with a different title but she started popping off at the mouth over bbm and well...the HoH movement just won't allow that. Either way, these are her words not mine....

“5 Things I Hate about You Too: 5 Things All Guys Do That I Can’t Stand”

The last we met, I divulged 5 things that “all girls do” that I can’t stand. Well, since I’m an equal opportunity asshole, I wanted to balance that with 5 things that “all guys do” that I can’t stand. The premise here is the same as the last time with the same caveat for the numerous guys out there who don’t actually do any of these things. With that being said….

1. Watch SportsCenter. ALL. DAY. LONG.

Look, my dude, you like sports. I get it. But dun sun, you do realize that they’re showing the same shit over and over right??? Like, it’s the EXACT same SportsCenter ALL DAY. They update that ish like 3 times a day and show the update 247 times until the NEXT update. Please stop acting like you can’t tear your arse from the couch to come pick me up or let me watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta in between one of a gajillion and 9 showings of this same episode!! (Insert Jamie Foxx bitchilism here)

2. Become a Total Emotional Retard

I don’t know if it’s because you guys aren’t used to dealing with emotions very much or what, but any display of strong emotion by a female tends to turn y’all into complete and total emotional retards. Before you say this isn’t true, I offer every Daddy’s girl’s Exhibit A: CRYING. My dad spanked me ONCE in my life and I felt so betrayed all I could do was cry silently in my Granny’s lap. Cue my dad for more waterworks. Once he re-emerged from the bathroom, eyes glistening and red-rimmed, he spent a week buying me candy and spending large amounts of time at McDonald’s. As I’ve gotten older, I still know crying is the way to my dad’s heart (or wallet). I don’t like overly emo situations/people either, but I still know how to cope. For some reason y’all go slack jawed and vacant eyed. It’s actually kinda funny…but still irritating. My favorites are the dudes in relationships with girls they don’t want to be with. The ones who try to breakup with their girl but can never get it to stick because she starts crying, throwing ish, or threatening bodily harm. All over the top emotions and instead of dealing with them, these guys crumble like cottage cheese (eeeeeeeewwww).

3. Say You Don’t Like Girls In Weave or Makeup…

…then ONLY TALK TO GIRLS WITH TONS OF WEAVE AND MAKEUP. You can’t see that thick ass layer of M.A.C. C5 on her face or notice those two-and-a-half packs of 14 inch Indian remy 1B?!?!? The irony of the mass appeal of this sentiment is even stronger when compared to the women men seem to talk to. I feel like my best friend’s fiancé summed up the appropriate response to this issue: “Babe, I’ve loved you from the day we met. Whatever you were doing THAT day, keep doing it.” As long as she looks good, why does that ish matter?? Whether she’s 18 inches wet and wavy or with her normal straight bob, it doesn’t matter. Love is blind or whatever so you should be more concerned with whether her personality is real than whether her hair is. Make up is meant to enhance natural features so if she wants to play up her eyes with smokey eyeshadow or emphasize luscious lips with colored lipstick, as long as she looks good, it really is irrelevant.

4. Expect Forgiveness Without Being Willing to Give It.


This one is a little more serious than the previous ones and I even tweeted this the other day* and got a ton of responses. Apparently I’m not the only one who’s noticed that mean are very quick to expect a female to forgive them their transgressions, but are usually fundamentally opposed to extending the same clemency to a female. The easiest example is cheating. A dude cheats on his girl and expects her to stay with him and work it out or let him get it out of his system or whatever. If same female cheats on same male, it’s the ultimate betrayal and most unforgivable of crimes. And that, my friends, is f*ckin ridiculous.

5. Act Like Valentine’s Day is the Worst Thing Ever

Seriously dude, if you put as much thought into your high school classes as you put in finding reasons to denounce, demean, and completely reject Valentine’s Day, you’d be friggin Steve Jobs. Yea, that didn’t make sense but NEITHER DO YOU! Valentine’s Day is pretty much a free pass for some real certified kinkiness! Quit your bellyaching, come off some flowers and a nice bottle of wine and let the good time roll! No but for real. I personally don’t care about Valentine’s Day; I don’t like most traditional jewelry, I like to keep fresh flowers around my spot anyway, and I prefer Swedish Fish to chocolates. That’s just me though. If you get a girl and you know Valentine’s Day is important to her, whether you agree or not, I feel like as a good partner, you should acknowledge this in some way. I don’t care about most people’s birthday but I still acknowledge the day because it’s special to them and, if they’re special to me, it deserves recognition. That’s like the rule of transitive equality or something*.

*I really am on Twitter. Follow @supermeece for more profanity, rants, and piss poor math.

*I completely and totally made this up.

THE GOAT

Earlier today while I was in the gym keeping my skinny-ness toned and sculptured, I was distracted by a tweet that came in on my phone. It had something to do with snow leopards. Either way, right below on my timeline was a discussion between two good friends of mine talking about how championships separate great players from elite players (for example, Malone/Barkley = great. Magic/Bird = Elite). One friend then made the argument that Bill Russell may indeed be the greatest player ever because of his mass amount of rings. Well, of course I had to chime in. Now before we go any further, let me just say that I am a certified, beyond a shadow of a doubt Michael Jordan stan. A stan goes beyond your everyday fanhood. With that said, I offer my sincerest apologies for anyone who may find this piece to be a little biased.

In my professional opinion, Michael Jordan is THE aboslute greatest player to ever put on an NBA uniform (along with some of the greatest sneakers as well). The argument for some other players is entertaining, but let’s be real about the situation. Mike sits at the throne alone. Some try to argue Kobe. If any of you saw the comparison between the two over the course of the same amount of career games, then we all know that argument is now null and void. The awards, the numbers, and the accolades just don’t add up in Kobe’s favor. Not taking anything away from Kobe; he’s the closest thing on the court I’ve seen to Mike. He’s got a much better long range shot, and when he wants to get to the hole, he gets to the hole. Just ask any white girl in Colorado.

Some will say Bill Russell. It’s hard to argue with 11 championships. I will give Bill Russell the title of greatest on court leader. But greatest player ever? Nah, can’t do it. Just talking from a skill wise and talent perspective, Wilt Chamberlain was killing Bill Russell in head to head comparisons pretty much every time they played. I realize that Bill Russell’s teams won most of those games (he did play alongside about 30 hall of famers), but my point is that nobody ever dominated Mike on a routine basis like that.

And then there’s the case for Magic. The most entertaining case of them all. He is the definition of a team player. He could play all five positions. He could pretty much put the ball anywhere on the court that he wanted to. He’s got the championships and the numbers to put up a good fight with Mike. The most compelling argument that Magic Johnson fans will make is that he started winning as soon as he came into the league. True enough. It’s should also be noted that he came in playing with Kareem, and was soon joined by other Hall of Fame players. Michael Jordan’s best teammates for a while were Charles Oakley and Craig Hodges. Even when he got Pippen, Grant, and Phil, it took them a few years to get fully developed before they started winning. But once they did, it was a wrap for the rest of the league. Even if Magic’s career was cut short because he couldn’t keep his d*ck in his pants, does anybody out there really believe he would’ve beaten Mike in a finals rematch? No, I didn’t think so. You’ll have people say that Mike never played against other elite players like Bird or Isaiah Thomas. Well if Barkley, Malone, Ewing, Payton, Stockton, etc could’ve beaten Mike then maybe they would be considered elite. But they couldn’t, so they’re not. The fact of the matter is, Magic just didn’t have a kill switch where he could take over the game and completely destroy the other team on both ends of the floor like Mike. Not saying he couldn’t do it, he just couldn’t do it better and more consistently than Mike. If Lebron ever gets one of those kill switches, we may have to revisit this argument in another ten years or so.

You know what really sets Mike apart from every other player to ever play the game? Every single time he stepped on the court, we expected him to win. In his last six seasons (with the Bulls of course), was there ever a doubt as to who would win the championship? Find me another player who could take over the league like that and we’ll talk. Until then, let’s put the argument to rest. Michael Jordan is and continues to be the greatest player in NBA history. I won’t even bring up about how much he changed the game (for better and worse), and made the NBA the global business that it is now, and how there will never be another athlete who will have an impact on pop culture like he did because I could go all day with this stuff. On that note, I’d like to say GO BULLS…D ROSE FOR MVP!!!

You Really Don't Wanna Know

Last week I made it a point to give my little brother some advice to help him navigate through some of the women he is most certain to come across at some point in time. This week it’s important that I offer a piece of advice that everybody should follow when dealing with the opposite sex, but, unfortunately they think that they can handle the consequences of ignoring it and they end up with hurt feelings. Unless the matter is critical, never ask a question to which you don’t want to know the answer. Why anybody would willingly ask a question like this continues to boggle my mind, especially if it’s something minor. The worst part is when someone asks you one of these questions, and they get mad at you for answering it honestly. So I’ve decided to break this week’s post up into two sections; one for the guys and one for the girls. I know they say ladies first, but as a member of the HoH movement that doesn’t apply to me. So today I’d like to talk to the fellas about things you just shouldn’t want to know about the woman in your life.

I know there are some things that I just don’t care to know about a woman; specifically the exact amount of guys she’s been with. Chances are she’s gonna lie about this number anyway. Like I’ve said before, if a woman isn’t a known slut and has no STD’s then we’re good to go. The reason for this is because I’d hate to meet a woman who has already swept me off my feet, and then I do something stupid like ask her, “Exactly how many guys have you been with?” What’s the point? See, I have a theory about every woman over the age of 23. Someone(s) already landed on Plymouth Rock before you did. Everything that she does for you in bed, she learned from some other guy. I know that’s crushing to a lot of the male egos here, but it’s true. And the sooner we realize this, the sooner we can stop fooling ourselves into fantasizing about this pure and clean young lady that we hope to find and marry. Unless you want to walk the halls at your nearest high school, chances are she doesn’t exist in your world.

Also, it’s probably wise not to ask a woman if she came or not when you had sex. Women generally know when a man comes because it happens 99% of the time. Probably not so for all women. I don’t know because I’ll never ask. Is it something that men would like to know for sure? Yeah, I guess, but ignorance is bliss. If she says yes every time, you’ll wonder if she’s just saying so to protect your ego. If she says no, then you’ll go paranoid. If she seems to enjoy having sex with you and will initiate intercourse, chances are you’re good. If you have to damn near bribe her to get in bed, chances are you share that girl.

Another question to never ask a woman is whether or not it’s that “time of the month”. Just don’t do it. It won’t end well. Just assume that it is and leave her alone.

The central theme here is to not ask questions where the answer is better left unsaid and everyone is seemingly happier for it. It makes life easier and will keep the male ego intact. Good day, gents.

We Don't Believe You...

The other day I was talking with a good friend whose little brother was coming to visit him, and we started a brief conversation of the joys of having a little brother. I know my two older brothers were always elated to have a younger brother because, well …he was me. Growing up, they would give me little pieces of advice here and there to help guide me through life, and even though they were only a couple of years older than me, the advice was well appreciated and put to good use. Well almost 16 years ago, my dad got remarried and had another son. The lucky bastard even looked like me. Now whenever all four of us get together, we make sure to kick the youngest one some knowledge, whether it’s pertains to life in general or dealing with others of the opposite sex. Mainly, the latter because it has been observed that guys today are increasingly getting out of pocket when it comes to matters of the female species in general. I never want my brother to be that guy.

One of the most important pieces of advice given to my big, little brother was to never put anything past any woman. There’s a difference between trusting someone and being naïve. But there are a few more tidbits or better yet, red flags that he should listen for in a conversation when talking to a girl. This can also be used as a tutorial for some of you ladies out there who continue to spew these clichés, thinking guys will fall for them time and time again. Well…we don’t believe you. You need more people.

Red Flag #1: “I’m not like other girls.” Technically, she’s right, because God only created one of her. The same goes for the other 3 to 4 billion women on the planet. Telling any man that you are not like other girls is not going to make him believe you are special. At least I hope not. Because he will have heard it so many times, that by the time the next woman tells him, he’ll believe that you ARE in fact just like every other girl. If women want to prove that they’re not like other women, stop being hormonal and overly emotional about trivial bullshit, don’t be so insecure, stop wearing a similar outfit as every other girl in the club and stop drinking Moscato. Even if you tell me that you were drinking it long before Drake started mentioning it in his songs, I still won’t believe you….because I’ve heard it too many times before.

Red Flag #2: “I’ve never done this before.” This could actually be true, but here’s why I doubt it. Some women perform certain acts a little too well and without any reluctance for me to believe that she’s never had practice before. Why women tell us this fairytale, I have no idea; probably because she doesn’t want to come off as easy. This is totally understandable except that women fail to realize one thing. No sane man cares or cares to know about your past. As long as a woman isn’t a known slut or have any STD’s, we really don’t want to know. When you tell this little lie, all it makes us men believe is that you’re covering up for being too easy. So, my big, little brother , whenever a woman says this to you just nod and smile, and know that she’s probably done it before and she’ll most likely do it again for you.

Red Flag # 3: “I only hang out with guys.” or “I don’t have any female friends.” I’ve run across at least six of these women in my lifetime. Ironically, they all hang out together. When a woman says one or the other to a man, he’s not thinking “Finally, I have someone to watch the game and play Call of Duty with. I’m not sure what it is about women that they think men want to hear this. We especially don’t if we’re trying to establish some kind of relationship. It’s not even about me being insecure or about me not trusting you. It’s about me knowing other dudes. The thirst levels for these dudes out here are at an all-time high, and as high as they put the p*ssy on a pedestal, you can’t put anything past them. Imagine if the next dude you tried talking to told you that he only hangs out with women. Half of the women out there will label him a whore. The other half will label him as gay. For the women in the “I don’t have any female friends” party, you strike me as one of two things; a person who fails to develop and maintain meaningful relationships, or someone who doesn’t have any friends to occupy her time, so she’ll bug the fuck out of me day in and day out. Either way, I’ll pass. And you should too bro.

I’m sure you all will have a lot to say about this one, so have at it.
Oh yeah, follow me on twitter @baustin06

Special Guest (I don't feel like writing anything)

I think this might be our first female guest on the Shoe Bag. Meme gives her take on her case for the skinny girls and their "petite poke". Our sisters in arms, on behalf of the skinny guys out there.

"The Case of The Petite Poke"

Meme

Apparently, extensive studying makes me extremely altruistic. I added some insight to a couple of posts and then I decided that I have thoughts and I can write and a 3 day exam over my entire field that determines the subsequent future of my career (e.g. MY LIFE) just really isn’t THAT crucial so, screw studying, let me share my thoughts with the e-masses. What can I say? I’m generous and whatnot. Fortunately, my BFF is equally altruistic because in the course of one of our many interesting conversations I bamboozled him into letting me contribute to his blog. Now, my bff and I have some great conversations; from why you can’t put nothing past these hoes to the perfect way to enjoy Crown Royal (in keeping with the shambled state of my life, I prefer mine straight from the bottle, he’s fancy and prefers his on the rocks). So in light of one of our more recent conversations, I would like to present to you “The Case for the Petite Poke”:

Now, it may be abundantly clear that I am a girl. I’m sure BFF was a dead giveaway and, if it wasn’t, please exit this blog IMMEDIATELY and don’t return until you’ve submitted to me a 2 pg single-spaced paper on why grown men shouldn’t abuse common acronyms. More on that later. Now, what is less obvious is that I am a proud member of Team Petite Poke. Who is Team Petite Poke you ask??? What IS a petite poke???

Petite poke (noun): the less noticeable but still protruding backside of a slim woman. See also “Happy Medium”

In an age when most men want a girl who’s thicker than a snicker and DTF, the slim chicks sometimes seem to be in the shadow of their more well-endowed counterparts. If popular rap music and “urban” men’s magazines are any indication of how men feel, surely it is the age of the booty-ful. Now I know all your favorite rappers are constantly saluting the girls with asses that “coulda won the horse awards”, but have you ever really thought about what that means? I mean REALLY thought about it. Yea that ass is great now, but no one is immune to the effects of time. All it takes is one kid, a bad month, or one second helping too many and she goes from HAVING a fatty to BEING a fatty. Sad, but true. Also, big booties require work. Squats, lunges, wall-balls (I HATE wall balls!!) and all kinds of other torture that require girls to sweat their hair out and you KNOW how we feel about that…

Now, your petite poke, on the other hand, still maintains a respectable ATWR (ass-to-waist ratio) but is just smaller than your certified thick girl. This girl has the shape and size that allows room for a minor bout with depression or a brief “I eat my feelings” phase without crossing the line. All the onion shape with none of the tears from it over-inflating; it’s a win-win! Plus, girls who have petite pokes tend to be in shape, namely, not round. We also tend to be ex dancers, volleyball players, track runners, etc. That means we’re athletic and more inclined to keep ourselves in shape over time. This also usually means she’s limber and without all that ass in the way…well...yea.

While I’ve never actually heard a dude say it, I have to wonder if it ever gets to a point where it’s just too much ass. Like, what do you do with that much ass anyway? Is there a “fat asses get in free before 11” night at the club? Can you really set drink on it? Or bounce quarters off of it? Do you get to write it off as a dependent on your taxes (it’s a recession; you gotta think about these things!)? In all seriousness, with age and kids and stress and all those other unfortunate facts of life, it’s bound to add a few pounds to anybody; you might as well start with the girl whose waistline and backside has room to grow with your relationship…unless you’re just trying to smash, then I guess all bets are off.

Anyway, it’s quite possible that the sleep and/or Crown deprivation has gotten to me and I’m talking out of my ass, so feel free to disabuse me of any incorrect statements or assumptions. Otherwise, let it marinate and choose wisely; it’s the children who suffer.

PSA: I Rest My Lace

So a while ago my brother and I had to meet up with my mom for some reason at a beauty shop in Houston. Apparently this place specialized in lace front wigs. And before anybody gets any bright ideas, no my mother did not get a lace front. I might disown her if she did so. However, I did make a comment to the proprietors about how tacky and unattractive lace front wigs look, and you would’ve thought I told her that her first born child was the spawn of Satan. She was willing to argue to the death about the “benefits” of a lace front wig. Eventually I just dropped it because I had more important shit to do than argue with some dumb broad about lace front wigs. Now generally I don’t go around calling women dumb broads, but she actually tried to convince me that shit looks good so what else am I supposed to call her?

Ladies, please stop. I’m begging you from the bottom of my heart, please just stop. It’s not cute. It’s not sexy. It looks atrocious. I know JJ agrees with me; he’s lacist. The highlight of the disagreement that I had with said dumb broad is that she tried to convince me that the hairline looks more natural with a lace front. That’s funny because all it looks like to me is that someone tried to scalp her and decided to stop before the job was finished. How can anything look more natural than your NATURAL hairline? If I was dating a woman and she told me she was even thinking of getting a lace front, I would put my Gillettes to use and we’d be rocking matching baldies. I know what some of you lace front wearing ladies will say, “It’s my hair and I can do what I want with it.” True enough. You can also go out in public with a mini skirt and football cleats. By all means, it’s your decision, but you’ll still look like a fucking idiot. Pardon me if I sound a little bitter, but I’m just about done with my second glass of Jameson on the rocks and it’s the last of the alcohol in my house. Good night.

In Retrospect

The Jordan Brand has been releasing a lot of heat into the sneaker community as of late. Not too many months ago we saw the release of the Flints and the Cool Grey 11's. This weekend we'll see the release of the Cement 3's. An item that I get to cross of my bucket list. Thanks to JB I'll be able to cross a few more items off my list later this year, like the Grape 5's, the Concords, and the True Blue's.

You Share That Girl

I have a friend or two who has been involved with an incredibly insecure and jealous woman. But what’s worse than an incredibly insecure and jealous girlfriend/boyfriend is an incredibly insecure and jealous person that you’re just dating. At least if it’s someone with whom you’re in a relationship, there was some sort of commitment made, and a person could just be protecting his/her investment. Cuz I’ll be damned if I take you to Applebee’s for a 2 for 20 dinner and you end up stepping out on me. The point is, and I think we’ve been over this before, if you’re not in a committed relationship, stop acting like it. So at the behest of a loyal ShoeBagger, I’d like to take a more in depth look at the senseless people who decide it’s a good idea to feel like the person they’re dating is obligated to them in some way, or feel that he or she are in some sort of unspoken, un-agreed-upon arrangement. Bad idea.

So let’s say you’re looking to get into a relationship, and you meet a guy/girl that you think has potential to fill that role. Great. During the first date and the third drink, you think you start to feel a connection; in reality, the fact of the matter is that you haven’t had any in about 6 months and the liquor is taking control of your hormones. After the date, you finally get some and the other person is actually a good lay. Sounds like someone just hit the jackpot right? Wrong. Because some people think this way, unnecessary drama and hurt feelings are almost guaranteed to take place in the very near future. One date does not a boyfriend/girlfriend make. Do you know how ridiculous it is to assume that because two people have been on a few dates that one has some kind of an obligation to the other? That’d be like me going to a job interview and then getting mad at the company because how dare they have the audacity to interview another person so soon after I left the office?

Now of course I think if you’re only interested in dating a person and getting your rocks off once a week or so with them, that’s perfectly okay too. But you should at least be honest with the other person and let them know that’s all there is to it for now. Otherwise, it’s called dating for a reason. Do you know how you’re going to look if you try to confront someone that you went on just a few dates with when you see them with another person? If you’re a woman, you look like a crazy bitch. If you’re a man…you just look like a bitch. And for those who are out dating multiple people at once, more power to you. Like the age old analogy says, you wouldn’t buy a car without test driving a few others. And because of this, I’m very happy with my white car (sorry…I couldn’t resist making that joke).

In all seriousness, it’s important that everyone follow these rules. Don’t let the fact that someone can hold an intellectual conversation and is more flexible than you knew possible by a human being cloud your better judgment. Feelings could get hurt, bricks could be thrown through windows, and someone could follow you to a club and end up fighting a bouncer because they wouldn’t let him in with basketball shorts and house shoes.

Beautiful Bliss

Apparently I’m not the only person who finds overly affectionate couples to be an annoying pain in the ass. I understand that it feels all warm and fuzzy to be in love with someone and it’s even better when the feeling is new. Sometimes, however, the warmth and fuzziness needs to be kept in the privacy of our homes. I have no problem with public displays of affection such as holding your girl’s hand or even a few light kisses here and there. It’s kinda cute as long as it’s acceptable. Anything more, I start to feel like a chaperone at a jr. high school and I just want to separate the couple until they have a respectable amount of space in between them. Don’t get me wrong; I’m happy for everyone out there who has found someone to make them happy, but I just don’t care. So please stop being overly affectionate and stop trying to prove your love for each other to me and the rest of the outside world.

I can’t decide which couple annoys me more. Maybe it’s the couple who got drunk and decided to dry hump each other in the middle of the dance floor. Don’t get me wrong, after a good drink or three I’ve had the urge to duck out and commence to disrespecting someone’s daughter as quickly as possible. Hell, I probably even tried to kick Will out of the DJ booth a few times so that I could sneak in a quick one. The point is, I learned how to restrain myself until I got home…or at least until Will puts a plastic cover on his equipment. In the grand scheme of things, that couple is just a bunch of horny little, drunk fuckers. Not that they get a pass, but I can understand where they’re coming from.

They don’t annoy me as much as the couple who seem like each other so much that they have to sit in the on the same side of a booth in the restaurant. The reason this annoys me so much is because I’m left handed. And if she isn’t sitting on the correct side, she’ll end up bumping my elbows throughout the whole dinner every single time that I try to eat. I know some people out there get uneasy if someone reads something over their shoulder; now imagine how that feels while you’re eating. You don’t see my face? I’m uncomfortable right now.

Yes, the couple above is very annoying indeed, but they don’t even hold a candle to the couple who is riding together in a vehicle (usually a truck) and the girl decides to sit in the middle of the seat as opposed to sitting in her designated passenger seat. The asshole in me just wants that truck to get into an accident so that whoever is sitting in the middle will go flying through the windshield because she shouldn’t have been so close to the driver and distracting him while he’s operating a vehicle. I know that’s a terrible thing to say, but it really irks me. Just like the couple who are so madly in love that the girl feels the need to sit in the guy’s lap even though there are about six empty seats surrounding on either side of them. Thankfully I’m a skinny guy, so I wouldn’t think anyone would want to sit on my lap anyway unless she wants my thigh bones grinding against her tailbone. Doesn’t sound very comfortable does it? What pisses me off more is when she asks, “Am I too heavy?” I weigh 165 with soaked and wet shoes and clothes on a good day…everybody is heavy to me. Get your own seat.

Some of you may say that these couples are genuinely happy to be in each other’s presence. I say bullshit. Nobody likes anyone else that much; unless, of course, that other person is Beyonce. Ok, I think I’ve done enough hating for the day. You may all return to your regularly scheduled afternoon. But before I go, thanks to the loyal ShoeBagger for suggesting today’s topic.

The Makings of A Perfect B*tch

So I’ve been living this single life for a while now. Not that I’m complaining at all, it’s actually quite fun, but I need a change of pace. Therefore, I’ve been thinking about possibly getting a girlfriend. Here’s the problem: I’m pretty picky. Not in a shallow type of way…well yeah that too, but still. There are some particular things about a woman that probably shouldn’t have any bearing on a relationship, but dealing with me it could lead to disastrous results. So here are a few characteristics that I need from a woman before we can move any further.

Sports Compatibility – Two teams that I would consider myself a serious fan of is the Bulls and the Yankees. Now I can’t really expect a woman to be a fan of these teams just because I like them. With that said, there are three teams that I absolutely despise. In order: lakers, Cowgirls, and UT Football (why it’s football only, I have no idea…probably because they cost me money in the 2005 National Championship). I realize that I do live in Texas so the chances of a woman being both a Cowgirl and Longhorns fan are fairly high. However, if she is a lakers fan and she roots for any of the other two teams, we’re done!

HerShoeBag – I love sneakers, but not the women who wear them. I’m a leg man; therefore a nice pair of heels is ideal for me. Really her whole closet in general is a big deal. I love a woman who knows how to dress well, especially those who know they know how to dress well. I mean technically…in the end, I guess it doesn’t REALLY matter what you’re wearing as long as you’re taking it off on a consistent basis. But I need something to keep me engaged in between those times. Sketchers and mom jeans just won’t do.

Health/Physical Fitness – I would never hold a woman to the standards that I wouldn’t hold myself to, so I need at minimum a semi-healthy lifestyle. Of course I want someone who is appealing to look at, but I also want someone who won’t have a heart attack at 27. I enjoy some fried foods and a cheeseburger every now and then, but not during lunch every day. I’m not saying you have to live in the gym, but at least make an effort to keep it together and looking good.

TV Scheduling – There’s nothing wrong with a little ignorance for your viewing pleasure every once in a while. Don’t even get me started on some of these reality shows out there such as “Real Housewives of (insert city)” or “(Insert sport) Wives.” I don’t mind a little mindless entertainment here and there, but nobody’s TV schedule should include these shows every night of the week. There’s also the issue of when her favorite shows are scheduled. For instance, if any of her favorite shows happen to come on during a Bulls game, she’ll have no choice but to DVR it and watch it later. If that’s a problem, then we’re gonna have problems.

PetSmart – I once dated a girl who had THE most annoying dog in the world. I know pretty much all of my boys have been harassed by Jeff Saturday. She’s the not so cute friend who won’t let her better looking friend out her sight whenever a guy tries to make a move. She blocks with supreme protection. Well that not so cute friend had nothing on this dog. It was the ultimate cock blocker. Therefore, if a woman insists on keeping a pet, I’d much rather it be a lazy one who doesn’t jump up and down everywhere and shed fur all over me. In fact, any women with a gerbil or a hamster would be great.

That’s pretty much it. Nothing too demanding or out of line right? For the ladies out there who don’t fit this description, it’s not too late to change. It might actually be worth it. I’m kind of a catch if you hadn’t heard by now.

How Many of Us Have Them?

There’s not a wide variety of subject matter discussed between me and my core group of friends. Sports, music, women, sneakers, and playing in the snow pretty much sums up the extent of our conversations. Other than that, all we do is crack jokes on each other and pretty much anyone else within eyesight. Sure, we’ve been called mean before. We talk about each other so much that people who aren’t really used to hanging out with us wonder why we’re even friends in the first place. I wouldn’t have it any other way though. For one, you’ll learn to develop thick skin pretty quickly. Either that, or you might as well not even come around us. Most importantly, however, is that I know if I ever get out of line, they will quickly bring me back to reality.

So as I was writing the previous post about the nature of lame guys, specifically the part about the way some guys dress, I thought to myself, “I’m glad I don’t have friends who would let me walk out in public looking ridiculous.” Now, I’m not the type to just go around and critique someone’s clothes, but if it’s wack, then I have to call it like I see it. I think the world would be a better place, and people would respect their friends more if everyone acted the way me and my friends do.

True Story: Me and V Mac were waiting on another one of our boys to get to my place before we headed to a birthday party for a friend of ours. When he shows up, he was wearing a shirt that had a little too much going on. So me and V Mac look at each other and start clowning him, and he asks us, “Yall don’t like this shirt?” And we answer, “Nah, that shits not hot, son. We can’t let you go out like that.” Luckily he had a different shirt in his car and we “encouraged” him to go change before we left. But you know what the beauty of it was? He didn’t get mad. He just went and changed, kept it moving, and we all had a good time at the party.

This is how all friendships should be. But because too many people catch feelings these days it’s hard to gauge what a friend’s reaction will be in any given situation similar to the story I just gave you. Women are the worst offenders. After one of your girlfriends asks you for your opinion on a hideous outfit, some of you will look her dead in the eye, lie through your teeth about how cute it is, and not even bat an eyelash. But the worst part is when everybody is talking about her in public later asking “Why did she come out the house like that?” you’ll be the first to say “Girl, I don’t know what she was thinking.” I can see why though. Because if you tell your friend that her dress is ugly then you’re the uppity friend who thinks her shit don’t stink. I firmly believe that most women are in competition with each other whether they are best friends or worst enemies. Guys, on the other hand, we’re all on the same team and are just trying to win. At least that’s how it is with me and my boys.

Not to say some guys aren’t guilty as well. We’ve all had that one friend who’s talking about the girl who has been peeping him for a while. We could all just nip it in the bud at that moment and let him know that this chick looks like Wanda from In Living Color. But we let it slide and figure it’s all good because at least he’ll get some tonight. And in the end it’s all about results, right bro? Negative. What if you’re friend gets hooked and decides to gal her up. Now we gotta act like we don’t see him holding hands and kissing Cousin It in the mouth.

See, the problem is everybody wants to be liked, so they try extra hard to be nice to their friends so that they can retain those friendships. Personally, I don’t give a damn. I’ve said plenty of times that I don’t even know how I have friends sometimes. The thing is I don’t care if my friends like me or not because if they didn’t like me, they wouldn’t be my friends in the first place. Remember, your true friends are the ones who won’t spare your feelings. They’re not gonna tell you what you want to hear, they’ll tell you what you need to know. So with all of you out there vowing to make get rid of the fake friends in your life for 2011, take a look in the mirror and make sure you’re not one of them.

My Best Friends Say....

What's poppin, Kermits? What started as a rant on twitter has inspired today's guest blogger, The Dark Knight. It's his second time collaborating with the ShoeBag. Enjoy...

“My Best Friend Say…”

Over the next several weeks, as a guest writer, of the critically acclaimed MyShoeBag we will delve into various, yet equally substantial, causes of failed relationships. You might be saying to yourself “I don’t have a problem in my relationship” or “I enjoy being single” or quite possibly you are thinking “finally an answer to my prayers”; wherever you fall these series of highly intuitive rants are for you or “someone you know”…wink…wink. So let’s get started shall we?
Most women operate under the fallacy that “most of your friends are guys” when the fact is while you may know and associate with a lot of guys, the core of your social circle…FEMALE. Women have this bad. You will engage in a relationship and because of the euphoric nature of it, you will broadcast all of the romantic, sweet, endearing traits (even down to the earth shattering pound game that you receive on the daily) that make “your man” the most fantastic creature formed on the earth. However, there are specific females that you need to be consciously aware in your life space who may not always necessarily share in your happiness. I will even use the lyrics of Aaliyah’s “Best Friend” record to try and bring some tangibility to these women.

Selfish Friend- “My best friend say, She’s sick of me, cryin' on the phone Tellin' how my man be doggin' me”- this is the friend that expects you to always be there for her, but is never there for you. She dumps her issues at your doorstep, seeks your counsel, and then once you give her advice, you don’t hear from her for weeks. You keep her around, because you like to feel important and needed and she provides you with that. You consider yourself her personal counselor, but then get befuddled when she is not interested in trying to help you solve your own crisis.

Negative friend- “My best friend say, don’t tell her nothin' 'bout me and you' Cause she ain't showin' me no sympathy”-The glass is always half empty with this friend. She never has anything positive to say about your relationships, she always is trying to discredit the things and the people you get involved with and 9 times out of 10 she has nothing going on in her own life. You keep her around, because she’s “REAL” and you appreciate her “Brutal Honesty”…bull crap. This chick is just bitter and misery loves company.

Acquaintance Friend- “My best friend say I can stay with her, at her house No doubt, anytime I like”- The Acquaintance is the person in your circle who you consider a great friend, but she views you more as an acquaintance. You know she’s the girl that has it together, but because you keep being an idiot, she doesn’t really identify with your drama; she thinks you’re stupid, but won’t tell you and you just think she is the best friend in the world…NEWS FLASH she treats you like you treat the “Selfish Friend” but she doesn’t care enough to give you the sound advice you need.

Trifling Friend- “My best friend say Don't let you in my life ‘Cause you don't do for me And you don't act right My best friend say If she was me She would let you go a long, long time ago”- Now this is the friend that most women think of when they make the comment, “Girls Are Messy.” This is the girl that plots on your relationship, looks for ways to tempt your man and take them away from you. This is the insecure chick who has nothing to lose and at the first sign of trouble, she is telling you that you are “too good to put up with his s*%!”; and of course you fall for it, because she is the only one of your friends who “APPEARS” to “REALLY CARE”. You keep her around because you are naïve to her strategies and once she double crosses you, you cut her and every other female off for the rest of your life. But do not be disheartened, Aaliyah does describe the friend that all of us need in the chorus.

True Friend-“I'll still be there for you In the time of need You can lean on me, come on I'll be there for you-The True Friend is the one that tried to tell you to keep some things to yourself when talking about your relationship around all of your “other friends”. The True friend told you what you needed to focus on getting yourself right. The True friend told you when you were acting stupid; told you that you had changed; but always answered your phone calls when you were emotional; always helped you figured out what you needed to do, but never told you what to do. The True Friend, as rare as they are, was and has always been there…you just often neglected her because you saw her as being too picky when she was just refusing to lower her standards. You saw her as jealous whenever she simply tried to hold you accountable...and YET SHE WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU, NEVER JUDGED YOU, AND REALLY LIVED BEYOND THE TITLE OF FRIEND THAT YOU GAVE HER.

Some might say like Ginuwine, “It ain’t none of your friends business”, or like Jon B where “they don’t know about our love” but if you can be like Drizzy Drake and successfully identify your true friends from all “the fake friends writing the wrong answers on the mirror for you” then I guarantee you will be off to a good start when making sure you have successful relationships.

UnBURRlievable

Sooooooo...Gucci Mane (burr!) was admitted into a mental institution today claiming mental incompetency. Wait, so nobody is surprised at all about this? My bad...continue as you all were.