I think this might be our first female guest on the Shoe Bag. Meme gives her take on her case for the skinny girls and their "petite poke". Our sisters in arms, on behalf of the skinny guys out there.
"The Case of The Petite Poke"
Meme
Apparently, extensive studying makes me extremely altruistic. I added some insight to a couple of posts and then I decided that I have thoughts and I can write and a 3 day exam over my entire field that determines the subsequent future of my career (e.g. MY LIFE) just really isn’t THAT crucial so, screw studying, let me share my thoughts with the e-masses. What can I say? I’m generous and whatnot. Fortunately, my BFF is equally altruistic because in the course of one of our many interesting conversations I bamboozled him into letting me contribute to his blog. Now, my bff and I have some great conversations; from why you can’t put nothing past these hoes to the perfect way to enjoy Crown Royal (in keeping with the shambled state of my life, I prefer mine straight from the bottle, he’s fancy and prefers his on the rocks). So in light of one of our more recent conversations, I would like to present to you “The Case for the Petite Poke”:
Now, it may be abundantly clear that I am a girl. I’m sure BFF was a dead giveaway and, if it wasn’t, please exit this blog IMMEDIATELY and don’t return until you’ve submitted to me a 2 pg single-spaced paper on why grown men shouldn’t abuse common acronyms. More on that later. Now, what is less obvious is that I am a proud member of Team Petite Poke. Who is Team Petite Poke you ask??? What IS a petite poke???
Petite poke (noun): the less noticeable but still protruding backside of a slim woman. See also “Happy Medium”
In an age when most men want a girl who’s thicker than a snicker and DTF, the slim chicks sometimes seem to be in the shadow of their more well-endowed counterparts. If popular rap music and “urban” men’s magazines are any indication of how men feel, surely it is the age of the booty-ful. Now I know all your favorite rappers are constantly saluting the girls with asses that “coulda won the horse awards”, but have you ever really thought about what that means? I mean REALLY thought about it. Yea that ass is great now, but no one is immune to the effects of time. All it takes is one kid, a bad month, or one second helping too many and she goes from HAVING a fatty to BEING a fatty. Sad, but true. Also, big booties require work. Squats, lunges, wall-balls (I HATE wall balls!!) and all kinds of other torture that require girls to sweat their hair out and you KNOW how we feel about that…
Now, your petite poke, on the other hand, still maintains a respectable ATWR (ass-to-waist ratio) but is just smaller than your certified thick girl. This girl has the shape and size that allows room for a minor bout with depression or a brief “I eat my feelings” phase without crossing the line. All the onion shape with none of the tears from it over-inflating; it’s a win-win! Plus, girls who have petite pokes tend to be in shape, namely, not round. We also tend to be ex dancers, volleyball players, track runners, etc. That means we’re athletic and more inclined to keep ourselves in shape over time. This also usually means she’s limber and without all that ass in the way…well...yea.
While I’ve never actually heard a dude say it, I have to wonder if it ever gets to a point where it’s just too much ass. Like, what do you do with that much ass anyway? Is there a “fat asses get in free before 11” night at the club? Can you really set drink on it? Or bounce quarters off of it? Do you get to write it off as a dependent on your taxes (it’s a recession; you gotta think about these things!)? In all seriousness, with age and kids and stress and all those other unfortunate facts of life, it’s bound to add a few pounds to anybody; you might as well start with the girl whose waistline and backside has room to grow with your relationship…unless you’re just trying to smash, then I guess all bets are off.
Anyway, it’s quite possible that the sleep and/or Crown deprivation has gotten to me and I’m talking out of my ass, so feel free to disabuse me of any incorrect statements or assumptions. Otherwise, let it marinate and choose wisely; it’s the children who suffer.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
PSA: I Rest My Lace
So a while ago my brother and I had to meet up with my mom for some reason at a beauty shop in Houston. Apparently this place specialized in lace front wigs. And before anybody gets any bright ideas, no my mother did not get a lace front. I might disown her if she did so. However, I did make a comment to the proprietors about how tacky and unattractive lace front wigs look, and you would’ve thought I told her that her first born child was the spawn of Satan. She was willing to argue to the death about the “benefits” of a lace front wig. Eventually I just dropped it because I had more important shit to do than argue with some dumb broad about lace front wigs. Now generally I don’t go around calling women dumb broads, but she actually tried to convince me that shit looks good so what else am I supposed to call her?
Ladies, please stop. I’m begging you from the bottom of my heart, please just stop. It’s not cute. It’s not sexy. It looks atrocious. I know JJ agrees with me; he’s lacist. The highlight of the disagreement that I had with said dumb broad is that she tried to convince me that the hairline looks more natural with a lace front. That’s funny because all it looks like to me is that someone tried to scalp her and decided to stop before the job was finished. How can anything look more natural than your NATURAL hairline? If I was dating a woman and she told me she was even thinking of getting a lace front, I would put my Gillettes to use and we’d be rocking matching baldies. I know what some of you lace front wearing ladies will say, “It’s my hair and I can do what I want with it.” True enough. You can also go out in public with a mini skirt and football cleats. By all means, it’s your decision, but you’ll still look like a fucking idiot. Pardon me if I sound a little bitter, but I’m just about done with my second glass of Jameson on the rocks and it’s the last of the alcohol in my house. Good night.
Ladies, please stop. I’m begging you from the bottom of my heart, please just stop. It’s not cute. It’s not sexy. It looks atrocious. I know JJ agrees with me; he’s lacist. The highlight of the disagreement that I had with said dumb broad is that she tried to convince me that the hairline looks more natural with a lace front. That’s funny because all it looks like to me is that someone tried to scalp her and decided to stop before the job was finished. How can anything look more natural than your NATURAL hairline? If I was dating a woman and she told me she was even thinking of getting a lace front, I would put my Gillettes to use and we’d be rocking matching baldies. I know what some of you lace front wearing ladies will say, “It’s my hair and I can do what I want with it.” True enough. You can also go out in public with a mini skirt and football cleats. By all means, it’s your decision, but you’ll still look like a fucking idiot. Pardon me if I sound a little bitter, but I’m just about done with my second glass of Jameson on the rocks and it’s the last of the alcohol in my house. Good night.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
In Retrospect
The Jordan Brand has been releasing a lot of heat into the sneaker community as of late. Not too many months ago we saw the release of the Flints and the Cool Grey 11's. This weekend we'll see the release of the Cement 3's. An item that I get to cross of my bucket list. Thanks to JB I'll be able to cross a few more items off my list later this year, like the Grape 5's, the Concords, and the True Blue's.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
You Share That Girl
I have a friend or two who has been involved with an incredibly insecure and jealous woman. But what’s worse than an incredibly insecure and jealous girlfriend/boyfriend is an incredibly insecure and jealous person that you’re just dating. At least if it’s someone with whom you’re in a relationship, there was some sort of commitment made, and a person could just be protecting his/her investment. Cuz I’ll be damned if I take you to Applebee’s for a 2 for 20 dinner and you end up stepping out on me. The point is, and I think we’ve been over this before, if you’re not in a committed relationship, stop acting like it. So at the behest of a loyal ShoeBagger, I’d like to take a more in depth look at the senseless people who decide it’s a good idea to feel like the person they’re dating is obligated to them in some way, or feel that he or she are in some sort of unspoken, un-agreed-upon arrangement. Bad idea.
So let’s say you’re looking to get into a relationship, and you meet a guy/girl that you think has potential to fill that role. Great. During the first date and the third drink, you think you start to feel a connection; in reality, the fact of the matter is that you haven’t had any in about 6 months and the liquor is taking control of your hormones. After the date, you finally get some and the other person is actually a good lay. Sounds like someone just hit the jackpot right? Wrong. Because some people think this way, unnecessary drama and hurt feelings are almost guaranteed to take place in the very near future. One date does not a boyfriend/girlfriend make. Do you know how ridiculous it is to assume that because two people have been on a few dates that one has some kind of an obligation to the other? That’d be like me going to a job interview and then getting mad at the company because how dare they have the audacity to interview another person so soon after I left the office?
Now of course I think if you’re only interested in dating a person and getting your rocks off once a week or so with them, that’s perfectly okay too. But you should at least be honest with the other person and let them know that’s all there is to it for now. Otherwise, it’s called dating for a reason. Do you know how you’re going to look if you try to confront someone that you went on just a few dates with when you see them with another person? If you’re a woman, you look like a crazy bitch. If you’re a man…you just look like a bitch. And for those who are out dating multiple people at once, more power to you. Like the age old analogy says, you wouldn’t buy a car without test driving a few others. And because of this, I’m very happy with my white car (sorry…I couldn’t resist making that joke).
In all seriousness, it’s important that everyone follow these rules. Don’t let the fact that someone can hold an intellectual conversation and is more flexible than you knew possible by a human being cloud your better judgment. Feelings could get hurt, bricks could be thrown through windows, and someone could follow you to a club and end up fighting a bouncer because they wouldn’t let him in with basketball shorts and house shoes.
So let’s say you’re looking to get into a relationship, and you meet a guy/girl that you think has potential to fill that role. Great. During the first date and the third drink, you think you start to feel a connection; in reality, the fact of the matter is that you haven’t had any in about 6 months and the liquor is taking control of your hormones. After the date, you finally get some and the other person is actually a good lay. Sounds like someone just hit the jackpot right? Wrong. Because some people think this way, unnecessary drama and hurt feelings are almost guaranteed to take place in the very near future. One date does not a boyfriend/girlfriend make. Do you know how ridiculous it is to assume that because two people have been on a few dates that one has some kind of an obligation to the other? That’d be like me going to a job interview and then getting mad at the company because how dare they have the audacity to interview another person so soon after I left the office?
Now of course I think if you’re only interested in dating a person and getting your rocks off once a week or so with them, that’s perfectly okay too. But you should at least be honest with the other person and let them know that’s all there is to it for now. Otherwise, it’s called dating for a reason. Do you know how you’re going to look if you try to confront someone that you went on just a few dates with when you see them with another person? If you’re a woman, you look like a crazy bitch. If you’re a man…you just look like a bitch. And for those who are out dating multiple people at once, more power to you. Like the age old analogy says, you wouldn’t buy a car without test driving a few others. And because of this, I’m very happy with my white car (sorry…I couldn’t resist making that joke).
In all seriousness, it’s important that everyone follow these rules. Don’t let the fact that someone can hold an intellectual conversation and is more flexible than you knew possible by a human being cloud your better judgment. Feelings could get hurt, bricks could be thrown through windows, and someone could follow you to a club and end up fighting a bouncer because they wouldn’t let him in with basketball shorts and house shoes.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Beautiful Bliss
Apparently I’m not the only person who finds overly affectionate couples to be an annoying pain in the ass. I understand that it feels all warm and fuzzy to be in love with someone and it’s even better when the feeling is new. Sometimes, however, the warmth and fuzziness needs to be kept in the privacy of our homes. I have no problem with public displays of affection such as holding your girl’s hand or even a few light kisses here and there. It’s kinda cute as long as it’s acceptable. Anything more, I start to feel like a chaperone at a jr. high school and I just want to separate the couple until they have a respectable amount of space in between them. Don’t get me wrong; I’m happy for everyone out there who has found someone to make them happy, but I just don’t care. So please stop being overly affectionate and stop trying to prove your love for each other to me and the rest of the outside world.
I can’t decide which couple annoys me more. Maybe it’s the couple who got drunk and decided to dry hump each other in the middle of the dance floor. Don’t get me wrong, after a good drink or three I’ve had the urge to duck out and commence to disrespecting someone’s daughter as quickly as possible. Hell, I probably even tried to kick Will out of the DJ booth a few times so that I could sneak in a quick one. The point is, I learned how to restrain myself until I got home…or at least until Will puts a plastic cover on his equipment. In the grand scheme of things, that couple is just a bunch of horny little, drunk fuckers. Not that they get a pass, but I can understand where they’re coming from.
They don’t annoy me as much as the couple who seem like each other so much that they have to sit in the on the same side of a booth in the restaurant. The reason this annoys me so much is because I’m left handed. And if she isn’t sitting on the correct side, she’ll end up bumping my elbows throughout the whole dinner every single time that I try to eat. I know some people out there get uneasy if someone reads something over their shoulder; now imagine how that feels while you’re eating. You don’t see my face? I’m uncomfortable right now.
Yes, the couple above is very annoying indeed, but they don’t even hold a candle to the couple who is riding together in a vehicle (usually a truck) and the girl decides to sit in the middle of the seat as opposed to sitting in her designated passenger seat. The asshole in me just wants that truck to get into an accident so that whoever is sitting in the middle will go flying through the windshield because she shouldn’t have been so close to the driver and distracting him while he’s operating a vehicle. I know that’s a terrible thing to say, but it really irks me. Just like the couple who are so madly in love that the girl feels the need to sit in the guy’s lap even though there are about six empty seats surrounding on either side of them. Thankfully I’m a skinny guy, so I wouldn’t think anyone would want to sit on my lap anyway unless she wants my thigh bones grinding against her tailbone. Doesn’t sound very comfortable does it? What pisses me off more is when she asks, “Am I too heavy?” I weigh 165 with soaked and wet shoes and clothes on a good day…everybody is heavy to me. Get your own seat.
Some of you may say that these couples are genuinely happy to be in each other’s presence. I say bullshit. Nobody likes anyone else that much; unless, of course, that other person is Beyonce. Ok, I think I’ve done enough hating for the day. You may all return to your regularly scheduled afternoon. But before I go, thanks to the loyal ShoeBagger for suggesting today’s topic.
I can’t decide which couple annoys me more. Maybe it’s the couple who got drunk and decided to dry hump each other in the middle of the dance floor. Don’t get me wrong, after a good drink or three I’ve had the urge to duck out and commence to disrespecting someone’s daughter as quickly as possible. Hell, I probably even tried to kick Will out of the DJ booth a few times so that I could sneak in a quick one. The point is, I learned how to restrain myself until I got home…or at least until Will puts a plastic cover on his equipment. In the grand scheme of things, that couple is just a bunch of horny little, drunk fuckers. Not that they get a pass, but I can understand where they’re coming from.
They don’t annoy me as much as the couple who seem like each other so much that they have to sit in the on the same side of a booth in the restaurant. The reason this annoys me so much is because I’m left handed. And if she isn’t sitting on the correct side, she’ll end up bumping my elbows throughout the whole dinner every single time that I try to eat. I know some people out there get uneasy if someone reads something over their shoulder; now imagine how that feels while you’re eating. You don’t see my face? I’m uncomfortable right now.
Yes, the couple above is very annoying indeed, but they don’t even hold a candle to the couple who is riding together in a vehicle (usually a truck) and the girl decides to sit in the middle of the seat as opposed to sitting in her designated passenger seat. The asshole in me just wants that truck to get into an accident so that whoever is sitting in the middle will go flying through the windshield because she shouldn’t have been so close to the driver and distracting him while he’s operating a vehicle. I know that’s a terrible thing to say, but it really irks me. Just like the couple who are so madly in love that the girl feels the need to sit in the guy’s lap even though there are about six empty seats surrounding on either side of them. Thankfully I’m a skinny guy, so I wouldn’t think anyone would want to sit on my lap anyway unless she wants my thigh bones grinding against her tailbone. Doesn’t sound very comfortable does it? What pisses me off more is when she asks, “Am I too heavy?” I weigh 165 with soaked and wet shoes and clothes on a good day…everybody is heavy to me. Get your own seat.
Some of you may say that these couples are genuinely happy to be in each other’s presence. I say bullshit. Nobody likes anyone else that much; unless, of course, that other person is Beyonce. Ok, I think I’ve done enough hating for the day. You may all return to your regularly scheduled afternoon. But before I go, thanks to the loyal ShoeBagger for suggesting today’s topic.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
The Makings of A Perfect B*tch
So I’ve been living this single life for a while now. Not that I’m complaining at all, it’s actually quite fun, but I need a change of pace. Therefore, I’ve been thinking about possibly getting a girlfriend. Here’s the problem: I’m pretty picky. Not in a shallow type of way…well yeah that too, but still. There are some particular things about a woman that probably shouldn’t have any bearing on a relationship, but dealing with me it could lead to disastrous results. So here are a few characteristics that I need from a woman before we can move any further.
Sports Compatibility – Two teams that I would consider myself a serious fan of is the Bulls and the Yankees. Now I can’t really expect a woman to be a fan of these teams just because I like them. With that said, there are three teams that I absolutely despise. In order: lakers, Cowgirls, and UT Football (why it’s football only, I have no idea…probably because they cost me money in the 2005 National Championship). I realize that I do live in Texas so the chances of a woman being both a Cowgirl and Longhorns fan are fairly high. However, if she is a lakers fan and she roots for any of the other two teams, we’re done!
HerShoeBag – I love sneakers, but not the women who wear them. I’m a leg man; therefore a nice pair of heels is ideal for me. Really her whole closet in general is a big deal. I love a woman who knows how to dress well, especially those who know they know how to dress well. I mean technically…in the end, I guess it doesn’t REALLY matter what you’re wearing as long as you’re taking it off on a consistent basis. But I need something to keep me engaged in between those times. Sketchers and mom jeans just won’t do.
Health/Physical Fitness – I would never hold a woman to the standards that I wouldn’t hold myself to, so I need at minimum a semi-healthy lifestyle. Of course I want someone who is appealing to look at, but I also want someone who won’t have a heart attack at 27. I enjoy some fried foods and a cheeseburger every now and then, but not during lunch every day. I’m not saying you have to live in the gym, but at least make an effort to keep it together and looking good.
TV Scheduling – There’s nothing wrong with a little ignorance for your viewing pleasure every once in a while. Don’t even get me started on some of these reality shows out there such as “Real Housewives of (insert city)” or “(Insert sport) Wives.” I don’t mind a little mindless entertainment here and there, but nobody’s TV schedule should include these shows every night of the week. There’s also the issue of when her favorite shows are scheduled. For instance, if any of her favorite shows happen to come on during a Bulls game, she’ll have no choice but to DVR it and watch it later. If that’s a problem, then we’re gonna have problems.
PetSmart – I once dated a girl who had THE most annoying dog in the world. I know pretty much all of my boys have been harassed by Jeff Saturday. She’s the not so cute friend who won’t let her better looking friend out her sight whenever a guy tries to make a move. She blocks with supreme protection. Well that not so cute friend had nothing on this dog. It was the ultimate cock blocker. Therefore, if a woman insists on keeping a pet, I’d much rather it be a lazy one who doesn’t jump up and down everywhere and shed fur all over me. In fact, any women with a gerbil or a hamster would be great.
That’s pretty much it. Nothing too demanding or out of line right? For the ladies out there who don’t fit this description, it’s not too late to change. It might actually be worth it. I’m kind of a catch if you hadn’t heard by now.
Sports Compatibility – Two teams that I would consider myself a serious fan of is the Bulls and the Yankees. Now I can’t really expect a woman to be a fan of these teams just because I like them. With that said, there are three teams that I absolutely despise. In order: lakers, Cowgirls, and UT Football (why it’s football only, I have no idea…probably because they cost me money in the 2005 National Championship). I realize that I do live in Texas so the chances of a woman being both a Cowgirl and Longhorns fan are fairly high. However, if she is a lakers fan and she roots for any of the other two teams, we’re done!
HerShoeBag – I love sneakers, but not the women who wear them. I’m a leg man; therefore a nice pair of heels is ideal for me. Really her whole closet in general is a big deal. I love a woman who knows how to dress well, especially those who know they know how to dress well. I mean technically…in the end, I guess it doesn’t REALLY matter what you’re wearing as long as you’re taking it off on a consistent basis. But I need something to keep me engaged in between those times. Sketchers and mom jeans just won’t do.
Health/Physical Fitness – I would never hold a woman to the standards that I wouldn’t hold myself to, so I need at minimum a semi-healthy lifestyle. Of course I want someone who is appealing to look at, but I also want someone who won’t have a heart attack at 27. I enjoy some fried foods and a cheeseburger every now and then, but not during lunch every day. I’m not saying you have to live in the gym, but at least make an effort to keep it together and looking good.
TV Scheduling – There’s nothing wrong with a little ignorance for your viewing pleasure every once in a while. Don’t even get me started on some of these reality shows out there such as “Real Housewives of (insert city)” or “(Insert sport) Wives.” I don’t mind a little mindless entertainment here and there, but nobody’s TV schedule should include these shows every night of the week. There’s also the issue of when her favorite shows are scheduled. For instance, if any of her favorite shows happen to come on during a Bulls game, she’ll have no choice but to DVR it and watch it later. If that’s a problem, then we’re gonna have problems.
PetSmart – I once dated a girl who had THE most annoying dog in the world. I know pretty much all of my boys have been harassed by Jeff Saturday. She’s the not so cute friend who won’t let her better looking friend out her sight whenever a guy tries to make a move. She blocks with supreme protection. Well that not so cute friend had nothing on this dog. It was the ultimate cock blocker. Therefore, if a woman insists on keeping a pet, I’d much rather it be a lazy one who doesn’t jump up and down everywhere and shed fur all over me. In fact, any women with a gerbil or a hamster would be great.
That’s pretty much it. Nothing too demanding or out of line right? For the ladies out there who don’t fit this description, it’s not too late to change. It might actually be worth it. I’m kind of a catch if you hadn’t heard by now.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
How Many of Us Have Them?
There’s not a wide variety of subject matter discussed between me and my core group of friends. Sports, music, women, sneakers, and playing in the snow pretty much sums up the extent of our conversations. Other than that, all we do is crack jokes on each other and pretty much anyone else within eyesight. Sure, we’ve been called mean before. We talk about each other so much that people who aren’t really used to hanging out with us wonder why we’re even friends in the first place. I wouldn’t have it any other way though. For one, you’ll learn to develop thick skin pretty quickly. Either that, or you might as well not even come around us. Most importantly, however, is that I know if I ever get out of line, they will quickly bring me back to reality.
So as I was writing the previous post about the nature of lame guys, specifically the part about the way some guys dress, I thought to myself, “I’m glad I don’t have friends who would let me walk out in public looking ridiculous.” Now, I’m not the type to just go around and critique someone’s clothes, but if it’s wack, then I have to call it like I see it. I think the world would be a better place, and people would respect their friends more if everyone acted the way me and my friends do.
True Story: Me and V Mac were waiting on another one of our boys to get to my place before we headed to a birthday party for a friend of ours. When he shows up, he was wearing a shirt that had a little too much going on. So me and V Mac look at each other and start clowning him, and he asks us, “Yall don’t like this shirt?” And we answer, “Nah, that shits not hot, son. We can’t let you go out like that.” Luckily he had a different shirt in his car and we “encouraged” him to go change before we left. But you know what the beauty of it was? He didn’t get mad. He just went and changed, kept it moving, and we all had a good time at the party.
This is how all friendships should be. But because too many people catch feelings these days it’s hard to gauge what a friend’s reaction will be in any given situation similar to the story I just gave you. Women are the worst offenders. After one of your girlfriends asks you for your opinion on a hideous outfit, some of you will look her dead in the eye, lie through your teeth about how cute it is, and not even bat an eyelash. But the worst part is when everybody is talking about her in public later asking “Why did she come out the house like that?” you’ll be the first to say “Girl, I don’t know what she was thinking.” I can see why though. Because if you tell your friend that her dress is ugly then you’re the uppity friend who thinks her shit don’t stink. I firmly believe that most women are in competition with each other whether they are best friends or worst enemies. Guys, on the other hand, we’re all on the same team and are just trying to win. At least that’s how it is with me and my boys.
Not to say some guys aren’t guilty as well. We’ve all had that one friend who’s talking about the girl who has been peeping him for a while. We could all just nip it in the bud at that moment and let him know that this chick looks like Wanda from In Living Color. But we let it slide and figure it’s all good because at least he’ll get some tonight. And in the end it’s all about results, right bro? Negative. What if you’re friend gets hooked and decides to gal her up. Now we gotta act like we don’t see him holding hands and kissing Cousin It in the mouth.
See, the problem is everybody wants to be liked, so they try extra hard to be nice to their friends so that they can retain those friendships. Personally, I don’t give a damn. I’ve said plenty of times that I don’t even know how I have friends sometimes. The thing is I don’t care if my friends like me or not because if they didn’t like me, they wouldn’t be my friends in the first place. Remember, your true friends are the ones who won’t spare your feelings. They’re not gonna tell you what you want to hear, they’ll tell you what you need to know. So with all of you out there vowing to make get rid of the fake friends in your life for 2011, take a look in the mirror and make sure you’re not one of them.
So as I was writing the previous post about the nature of lame guys, specifically the part about the way some guys dress, I thought to myself, “I’m glad I don’t have friends who would let me walk out in public looking ridiculous.” Now, I’m not the type to just go around and critique someone’s clothes, but if it’s wack, then I have to call it like I see it. I think the world would be a better place, and people would respect their friends more if everyone acted the way me and my friends do.
True Story: Me and V Mac were waiting on another one of our boys to get to my place before we headed to a birthday party for a friend of ours. When he shows up, he was wearing a shirt that had a little too much going on. So me and V Mac look at each other and start clowning him, and he asks us, “Yall don’t like this shirt?” And we answer, “Nah, that shits not hot, son. We can’t let you go out like that.” Luckily he had a different shirt in his car and we “encouraged” him to go change before we left. But you know what the beauty of it was? He didn’t get mad. He just went and changed, kept it moving, and we all had a good time at the party.
This is how all friendships should be. But because too many people catch feelings these days it’s hard to gauge what a friend’s reaction will be in any given situation similar to the story I just gave you. Women are the worst offenders. After one of your girlfriends asks you for your opinion on a hideous outfit, some of you will look her dead in the eye, lie through your teeth about how cute it is, and not even bat an eyelash. But the worst part is when everybody is talking about her in public later asking “Why did she come out the house like that?” you’ll be the first to say “Girl, I don’t know what she was thinking.” I can see why though. Because if you tell your friend that her dress is ugly then you’re the uppity friend who thinks her shit don’t stink. I firmly believe that most women are in competition with each other whether they are best friends or worst enemies. Guys, on the other hand, we’re all on the same team and are just trying to win. At least that’s how it is with me and my boys.
Not to say some guys aren’t guilty as well. We’ve all had that one friend who’s talking about the girl who has been peeping him for a while. We could all just nip it in the bud at that moment and let him know that this chick looks like Wanda from In Living Color. But we let it slide and figure it’s all good because at least he’ll get some tonight. And in the end it’s all about results, right bro? Negative. What if you’re friend gets hooked and decides to gal her up. Now we gotta act like we don’t see him holding hands and kissing Cousin It in the mouth.
See, the problem is everybody wants to be liked, so they try extra hard to be nice to their friends so that they can retain those friendships. Personally, I don’t give a damn. I’ve said plenty of times that I don’t even know how I have friends sometimes. The thing is I don’t care if my friends like me or not because if they didn’t like me, they wouldn’t be my friends in the first place. Remember, your true friends are the ones who won’t spare your feelings. They’re not gonna tell you what you want to hear, they’ll tell you what you need to know. So with all of you out there vowing to make get rid of the fake friends in your life for 2011, take a look in the mirror and make sure you’re not one of them.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
My Best Friends Say....
What's poppin, Kermits? What started as a rant on twitter has inspired today's guest blogger, The Dark Knight. It's his second time collaborating with the ShoeBag. Enjoy...
“My Best Friend Say…”
Over the next several weeks, as a guest writer, of the critically acclaimed MyShoeBag we will delve into various, yet equally substantial, causes of failed relationships. You might be saying to yourself “I don’t have a problem in my relationship” or “I enjoy being single” or quite possibly you are thinking “finally an answer to my prayers”; wherever you fall these series of highly intuitive rants are for you or “someone you know”…wink…wink. So let’s get started shall we?
Most women operate under the fallacy that “most of your friends are guys” when the fact is while you may know and associate with a lot of guys, the core of your social circle…FEMALE. Women have this bad. You will engage in a relationship and because of the euphoric nature of it, you will broadcast all of the romantic, sweet, endearing traits (even down to the earth shattering pound game that you receive on the daily) that make “your man” the most fantastic creature formed on the earth. However, there are specific females that you need to be consciously aware in your life space who may not always necessarily share in your happiness. I will even use the lyrics of Aaliyah’s “Best Friend” record to try and bring some tangibility to these women.
Selfish Friend- “My best friend say, She’s sick of me, cryin' on the phone Tellin' how my man be doggin' me”- this is the friend that expects you to always be there for her, but is never there for you. She dumps her issues at your doorstep, seeks your counsel, and then once you give her advice, you don’t hear from her for weeks. You keep her around, because you like to feel important and needed and she provides you with that. You consider yourself her personal counselor, but then get befuddled when she is not interested in trying to help you solve your own crisis.
Negative friend- “My best friend say, don’t tell her nothin' 'bout me and you' Cause she ain't showin' me no sympathy”-The glass is always half empty with this friend. She never has anything positive to say about your relationships, she always is trying to discredit the things and the people you get involved with and 9 times out of 10 she has nothing going on in her own life. You keep her around, because she’s “REAL” and you appreciate her “Brutal Honesty”…bull crap. This chick is just bitter and misery loves company.
Acquaintance Friend- “My best friend say I can stay with her, at her house No doubt, anytime I like”- The Acquaintance is the person in your circle who you consider a great friend, but she views you more as an acquaintance. You know she’s the girl that has it together, but because you keep being an idiot, she doesn’t really identify with your drama; she thinks you’re stupid, but won’t tell you and you just think she is the best friend in the world…NEWS FLASH she treats you like you treat the “Selfish Friend” but she doesn’t care enough to give you the sound advice you need.
Trifling Friend- “My best friend say Don't let you in my life ‘Cause you don't do for me And you don't act right My best friend say If she was me She would let you go a long, long time ago”- Now this is the friend that most women think of when they make the comment, “Girls Are Messy.” This is the girl that plots on your relationship, looks for ways to tempt your man and take them away from you. This is the insecure chick who has nothing to lose and at the first sign of trouble, she is telling you that you are “too good to put up with his s*%!”; and of course you fall for it, because she is the only one of your friends who “APPEARS” to “REALLY CARE”. You keep her around because you are naïve to her strategies and once she double crosses you, you cut her and every other female off for the rest of your life. But do not be disheartened, Aaliyah does describe the friend that all of us need in the chorus.
True Friend-“I'll still be there for you In the time of need You can lean on me, come on I'll be there for you-The True Friend is the one that tried to tell you to keep some things to yourself when talking about your relationship around all of your “other friends”. The True friend told you what you needed to focus on getting yourself right. The True friend told you when you were acting stupid; told you that you had changed; but always answered your phone calls when you were emotional; always helped you figured out what you needed to do, but never told you what to do. The True Friend, as rare as they are, was and has always been there…you just often neglected her because you saw her as being too picky when she was just refusing to lower her standards. You saw her as jealous whenever she simply tried to hold you accountable...and YET SHE WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU, NEVER JUDGED YOU, AND REALLY LIVED BEYOND THE TITLE OF FRIEND THAT YOU GAVE HER.
Some might say like Ginuwine, “It ain’t none of your friends business”, or like Jon B where “they don’t know about our love” but if you can be like Drizzy Drake and successfully identify your true friends from all “the fake friends writing the wrong answers on the mirror for you” then I guarantee you will be off to a good start when making sure you have successful relationships.
“My Best Friend Say…”
Over the next several weeks, as a guest writer, of the critically acclaimed MyShoeBag we will delve into various, yet equally substantial, causes of failed relationships. You might be saying to yourself “I don’t have a problem in my relationship” or “I enjoy being single” or quite possibly you are thinking “finally an answer to my prayers”; wherever you fall these series of highly intuitive rants are for you or “someone you know”…wink…wink. So let’s get started shall we?
Most women operate under the fallacy that “most of your friends are guys” when the fact is while you may know and associate with a lot of guys, the core of your social circle…FEMALE. Women have this bad. You will engage in a relationship and because of the euphoric nature of it, you will broadcast all of the romantic, sweet, endearing traits (even down to the earth shattering pound game that you receive on the daily) that make “your man” the most fantastic creature formed on the earth. However, there are specific females that you need to be consciously aware in your life space who may not always necessarily share in your happiness. I will even use the lyrics of Aaliyah’s “Best Friend” record to try and bring some tangibility to these women.
Selfish Friend- “My best friend say, She’s sick of me, cryin' on the phone Tellin' how my man be doggin' me”- this is the friend that expects you to always be there for her, but is never there for you. She dumps her issues at your doorstep, seeks your counsel, and then once you give her advice, you don’t hear from her for weeks. You keep her around, because you like to feel important and needed and she provides you with that. You consider yourself her personal counselor, but then get befuddled when she is not interested in trying to help you solve your own crisis.
Negative friend- “My best friend say, don’t tell her nothin' 'bout me and you' Cause she ain't showin' me no sympathy”-The glass is always half empty with this friend. She never has anything positive to say about your relationships, she always is trying to discredit the things and the people you get involved with and 9 times out of 10 she has nothing going on in her own life. You keep her around, because she’s “REAL” and you appreciate her “Brutal Honesty”…bull crap. This chick is just bitter and misery loves company.
Acquaintance Friend- “My best friend say I can stay with her, at her house No doubt, anytime I like”- The Acquaintance is the person in your circle who you consider a great friend, but she views you more as an acquaintance. You know she’s the girl that has it together, but because you keep being an idiot, she doesn’t really identify with your drama; she thinks you’re stupid, but won’t tell you and you just think she is the best friend in the world…NEWS FLASH she treats you like you treat the “Selfish Friend” but she doesn’t care enough to give you the sound advice you need.
Trifling Friend- “My best friend say Don't let you in my life ‘Cause you don't do for me And you don't act right My best friend say If she was me She would let you go a long, long time ago”- Now this is the friend that most women think of when they make the comment, “Girls Are Messy.” This is the girl that plots on your relationship, looks for ways to tempt your man and take them away from you. This is the insecure chick who has nothing to lose and at the first sign of trouble, she is telling you that you are “too good to put up with his s*%!”; and of course you fall for it, because she is the only one of your friends who “APPEARS” to “REALLY CARE”. You keep her around because you are naïve to her strategies and once she double crosses you, you cut her and every other female off for the rest of your life. But do not be disheartened, Aaliyah does describe the friend that all of us need in the chorus.
True Friend-“I'll still be there for you In the time of need You can lean on me, come on I'll be there for you-The True Friend is the one that tried to tell you to keep some things to yourself when talking about your relationship around all of your “other friends”. The True friend told you what you needed to focus on getting yourself right. The True friend told you when you were acting stupid; told you that you had changed; but always answered your phone calls when you were emotional; always helped you figured out what you needed to do, but never told you what to do. The True Friend, as rare as they are, was and has always been there…you just often neglected her because you saw her as being too picky when she was just refusing to lower her standards. You saw her as jealous whenever she simply tried to hold you accountable...and YET SHE WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU, NEVER JUDGED YOU, AND REALLY LIVED BEYOND THE TITLE OF FRIEND THAT YOU GAVE HER.
Some might say like Ginuwine, “It ain’t none of your friends business”, or like Jon B where “they don’t know about our love” but if you can be like Drizzy Drake and successfully identify your true friends from all “the fake friends writing the wrong answers on the mirror for you” then I guarantee you will be off to a good start when making sure you have successful relationships.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
UnBURRlievable
Sooooooo...Gucci Mane (burr!) was admitted into a mental institution today claiming mental incompetency. Wait, so nobody is surprised at all about this? My bad...continue as you all were.
Don't Hate The Player, Hate The Lame
Lameness is a very infectious disease. It can make a person deaf so that he won’t be able to hear the advice that friends and strangers are try to give him in hopes that he will change. It can also leave a man blind to the fact that he has taken a destructive path down a road of turmoil and what should be shame. And those of us who have to deal with the lameness of others are between a rock and a hard place; because if you comment on their lame nature or try to help them out, you’re nothing but a hater. And nobody wants to be the person getting a shout out to “all my hataaaz” on the latest Facebook status update. So at the request of a loyal shoebagger who has apparently run into an onslaught of lame dudes, we were asked to prepare a guide to help transform these guys into normal human beings. That task is one that will take a book or two to be achieved. What I can do, however, is highlight some of the qualities that lames will exhibit in their natural habitats so that they can be avoided.
Before we go further, let’s not confuse the lame with the simp. Although simps automatically qualify for being a lame, there are many other lames who would not fit the description of a simp. For example, that group of guys in the middle of the dance floor reenacting Saturday Night Fever throughout the whole night…lame. My question is how do these guys even have the energy and stamina to do this? Did they sneak Gatorade into the club or something? It’s all good that some people like to dance, even if it’s a bit too much. I mean, nobody likes being at a club where everybody is just too cool to dance. But I’ve seen some of these cats go at it from the time they step through the door until they shut the place down. And I know that’s a long time because they got there before me, and I went early because I can’t really afford to pay to get into a lot of places these days. I don’t know if these guys realize the image that they project when they stand with a group of their friends and dance all night. Basically what you’re saying is that you’d rather dance with your other male friends as opposed to talking to or, God forbid, even dancing with a woman. Let that sink in for a second. I’m not necessarily insinuating anything, but I can say that I don’t know any straight male friends who go to a club/bar/lounge/party to JUST dance.
Another dimension of lameness is shown by those cats who try a little too hard to impress women, especially those who do so by the way they dress. Not to say that they’re any lamer than the obviously lame guys who don’t even try to dress nice just off of GP. We all know about the type walking around with throwed collar syndrome and bummy shoes. However, we shouldn’t exclude the guys who give a little too much extra effort. They don’t get a pass either. For instance, someone wearing a 3 piece suit in a bar. There are only a few reasons anyone should be wearing a suit in a club/bar or whatever: If it’s happy hour and he just got off of work, he’s the manager or is promoting an event, or if he’s there in a celebratory manner and maybe he just came from a nice dinner. Otherwise, bring it down to a level 2. Another way to spot these lames is to pay attention to the accessories he wears. For instance, chances are if you see a guy wearing an ascot, he’s trying too hard. Especially if that ascot is tied incorrectly, then it’s just sad…in a hilarious sort of way. One of the biggest offenders will be the guy who wears colored stud earrings. One of my homegirls told me she was actually approached by a dude wearing pearl studs. Well Skee-Wee then. Why didn’t any of his friends tell him that this was a bad idea before he left the house? I’m all for finding creative ways to express you individuality, but a line has to be drawn somewhere.
Another way to spot a lame guy is if you notice he’s going the extra mile to “holla” but just doesn't have what it takes. It may be the dude that thinks it's appropriate to yell at a woman or pull on her arm in hopes to engage in her a conversation. If you're not in college anymore, learn how to approach a woman appropriately. This could also be the guy that you’ve already told no on more than one occasion. He’s still trying, because even though his looks, personality or conversational skills failed him the first four times, he feels he may have the perfect way to break the ice this time. And you know how women have resorted to get away from this guy? They buy fake jewelry that looks like an engagement ring so that they can lie and say they’re about to get married. And finally, you have those who take a more subtle approach. Like maybe there’s a guy who has wanted to talk to you for a while now, and you see him standing against the wall staring at you on some stalker type shit, but he never says anything. But one day he’ll have saved his money and will reserve a table and a bottle. This will give him the “swagger” and confidence he needs to approach you. Because lame guys believe that the only way to get a woman is to impress her with the bottles that he paid for on his Rush Card. No hate though. He’ll still pull a few hoodrats that night because those hoes just don’t know any better. And in the words of my illustrious big brother, “At the end of the night, it’s all about results, Bro.”
Good luck ladies, that’s about all I can do for now until I get my book published.
Before we go further, let’s not confuse the lame with the simp. Although simps automatically qualify for being a lame, there are many other lames who would not fit the description of a simp. For example, that group of guys in the middle of the dance floor reenacting Saturday Night Fever throughout the whole night…lame. My question is how do these guys even have the energy and stamina to do this? Did they sneak Gatorade into the club or something? It’s all good that some people like to dance, even if it’s a bit too much. I mean, nobody likes being at a club where everybody is just too cool to dance. But I’ve seen some of these cats go at it from the time they step through the door until they shut the place down. And I know that’s a long time because they got there before me, and I went early because I can’t really afford to pay to get into a lot of places these days. I don’t know if these guys realize the image that they project when they stand with a group of their friends and dance all night. Basically what you’re saying is that you’d rather dance with your other male friends as opposed to talking to or, God forbid, even dancing with a woman. Let that sink in for a second. I’m not necessarily insinuating anything, but I can say that I don’t know any straight male friends who go to a club/bar/lounge/party to JUST dance.
Another dimension of lameness is shown by those cats who try a little too hard to impress women, especially those who do so by the way they dress. Not to say that they’re any lamer than the obviously lame guys who don’t even try to dress nice just off of GP. We all know about the type walking around with throwed collar syndrome and bummy shoes. However, we shouldn’t exclude the guys who give a little too much extra effort. They don’t get a pass either. For instance, someone wearing a 3 piece suit in a bar. There are only a few reasons anyone should be wearing a suit in a club/bar or whatever: If it’s happy hour and he just got off of work, he’s the manager or is promoting an event, or if he’s there in a celebratory manner and maybe he just came from a nice dinner. Otherwise, bring it down to a level 2. Another way to spot these lames is to pay attention to the accessories he wears. For instance, chances are if you see a guy wearing an ascot, he’s trying too hard. Especially if that ascot is tied incorrectly, then it’s just sad…in a hilarious sort of way. One of the biggest offenders will be the guy who wears colored stud earrings. One of my homegirls told me she was actually approached by a dude wearing pearl studs. Well Skee-Wee then. Why didn’t any of his friends tell him that this was a bad idea before he left the house? I’m all for finding creative ways to express you individuality, but a line has to be drawn somewhere.
Another way to spot a lame guy is if you notice he’s going the extra mile to “holla” but just doesn't have what it takes. It may be the dude that thinks it's appropriate to yell at a woman or pull on her arm in hopes to engage in her a conversation. If you're not in college anymore, learn how to approach a woman appropriately. This could also be the guy that you’ve already told no on more than one occasion. He’s still trying, because even though his looks, personality or conversational skills failed him the first four times, he feels he may have the perfect way to break the ice this time. And you know how women have resorted to get away from this guy? They buy fake jewelry that looks like an engagement ring so that they can lie and say they’re about to get married. And finally, you have those who take a more subtle approach. Like maybe there’s a guy who has wanted to talk to you for a while now, and you see him standing against the wall staring at you on some stalker type shit, but he never says anything. But one day he’ll have saved his money and will reserve a table and a bottle. This will give him the “swagger” and confidence he needs to approach you. Because lame guys believe that the only way to get a woman is to impress her with the bottles that he paid for on his Rush Card. No hate though. He’ll still pull a few hoodrats that night because those hoes just don’t know any better. And in the words of my illustrious big brother, “At the end of the night, it’s all about results, Bro.”
Good luck ladies, that’s about all I can do for now until I get my book published.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
A New Resolution
This may come as a surprise to most of you, but I’m a hater and a bit cynical by nature. So it always gives me great pleasure this time of year when I get to hate on everyone who says in one variation or the other something along the lines of “Out with the old, in with the new. (Insert upcoming year) is all about change. I’m so over (current year).” Luckily I know better than to try and convince myself or others that I’m going do anything drastically different between December 31st and January 1st. It’s not that I think that people can’t change for the better. It’s just that I know that people who are really working to improve themselves would do it on September 18th, not January 1st.
My favorite one is where someone talks about getting rid of the fake friends and people that hold them back the most. I would believe you if you didn’t end up going to their house party for New Year’s Eve. Don’t tell me that you’re looking for a different type of man/woman that you usually date, but you stay going to the same clubs every weekend. I can understand that you realize in mid-December that you’ve continued to fuck up over and over again, and that if you keep at this pace your relationships/career/finances will go in a never ending downward spiral. Congratulations, you’ve made a step in the right direction. However, the next step should not be to stay set in your dumbass ways because you figure that it’s just easier to make a change after a new year begins. How would you like it if your favorite team was in the middle of a losing streak and said, “I know we’re on a losing streak right now, but we’re just gonna forfeit these games until 2011 begins and then start trying to get better.”?
Not to say that there aren’t people who won’t try to do better, and succeed to some degree before the inevitable happens. Some of you might keep up with that diet and workout plan for a week, until you mess up and think, “It doesn’t matter if I miss ONE day at the gym.” Or “it’s just ONE cookie, it won’t hurt.” Somebody out there has a close friend, who has sworn that she is gonna change her hoe-ish ways and only sleep with guys that she’s in a relationship with. She won’t make it past the first weekend because as soon as she goes downtown and gets drunk, she’ll end up getting tossed up. Again. Character doesn’t change overnight, guys. As the great Hov once said, you was who you was fo’ you got here.
Let’s stop fooling ourselves and keep it real people. 2011 is gonna look a lot like 2010 for 98% of all of us. Your friends won’t change. You still won’t get that raise or promotion. And your boy/girlfriend who made a resolution to stop cheating on you, has continued to do so. That’s life though ain’t it? Keep waking up, and before you know it 2012 will be upon us. Just in time for you to make that change. Again.
My favorite one is where someone talks about getting rid of the fake friends and people that hold them back the most. I would believe you if you didn’t end up going to their house party for New Year’s Eve. Don’t tell me that you’re looking for a different type of man/woman that you usually date, but you stay going to the same clubs every weekend. I can understand that you realize in mid-December that you’ve continued to fuck up over and over again, and that if you keep at this pace your relationships/career/finances will go in a never ending downward spiral. Congratulations, you’ve made a step in the right direction. However, the next step should not be to stay set in your dumbass ways because you figure that it’s just easier to make a change after a new year begins. How would you like it if your favorite team was in the middle of a losing streak and said, “I know we’re on a losing streak right now, but we’re just gonna forfeit these games until 2011 begins and then start trying to get better.”?
Not to say that there aren’t people who won’t try to do better, and succeed to some degree before the inevitable happens. Some of you might keep up with that diet and workout plan for a week, until you mess up and think, “It doesn’t matter if I miss ONE day at the gym.” Or “it’s just ONE cookie, it won’t hurt.” Somebody out there has a close friend, who has sworn that she is gonna change her hoe-ish ways and only sleep with guys that she’s in a relationship with. She won’t make it past the first weekend because as soon as she goes downtown and gets drunk, she’ll end up getting tossed up. Again. Character doesn’t change overnight, guys. As the great Hov once said, you was who you was fo’ you got here.
Let’s stop fooling ourselves and keep it real people. 2011 is gonna look a lot like 2010 for 98% of all of us. Your friends won’t change. You still won’t get that raise or promotion. And your boy/girlfriend who made a resolution to stop cheating on you, has continued to do so. That’s life though ain’t it? Keep waking up, and before you know it 2012 will be upon us. Just in time for you to make that change. Again.
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