Kanye @ SXSW 2011?

Rumors are circulating that Kanye West will be making an appearance in Austin, TX at SXSW this year playing at the Vevo Power Station at midnight. The video below is what has caused all the speculation, as you can hear the opening notes to Kanye's hit "Runaway" as the video ends.

Charlie and Cocaine Factory

If there’s one thing we appreciate here at the ShoeBag, it’s someone who speaks their mind no matter what. If you’ve yet to see Charlie Sheen’s interview on the Today show, do it NOW. Maybe we all forgot how off the rocker Charlie Sheen could be at any given moment. How we forgot this, I’m not really sure, but I doubt anyone will ever forget about it anymore. And it only reaffirms my desire to party with this guy. Just for one night. We don’t even have to bring the briefcases of coke or hookers, although if he did I doubt I’d be able to say no. It’s Charlie Sheen. For the most part, the interview made me laugh. Not like I laugh at his tv show, which is hilarious, but kinda how you laugh when someone falls off of their bike. The hilarity doesn’t subside, but you’re thinking “I really hope that guy is alright. Someone should get him some help.” Other parts of the interview, I wasn’t laughing so much. I more or less stared blankly at my screen wondering aloud if he was able to say what he just said. Like when he said Alcoholics Anonymous was developed by a broken down fool and that it was for normal people, who aren’t special or have tiger blood in their veins…or Adonis DNA (he said that with a straight face, which actually made it a lot funnier). He went on to say that people who relapse or fall off the wagon are “fools. Trolls. Weak. Defeated” (not as funny, but wow!). The funniest part may be that he was trying to convince us the whole time that he was sober. And maybe he was. Because according to Charlie Sheen, you can’t process him with a normal brain. And ff you haven’t heard by now, Charlie Sheen is a rock star…from Mars? Yup, that’s what he said.

I don’t really care to debate whether he’s right or wrong for saying what he said. The guy feels as if he was wronged by the creators of the show and he’s standing up for what he wants. Amidst all of the psychological stress that he was put through, it’s good to know that someone out there believes in himself as much as Charlie Sheen does. Some might call him the modern day Che Guevera. I wouldn’t, but somebody out there might. One thing I think we can all agree on is that we’ve all wanted to cuss our bosses at one point or another so I can’t really be mad at him for calling the guy out. One thing that’s not up for debate, however, is the fact that Charlie Sheen is about as real as it gets. Charlie Sheen has more heart than your favorite rapper or politician could ever dream of having. Minus the hookers, porn stars, atheism, drugs and alcohol use, physical, mental, and/or verbal abuse against damn near every woman he’s been with, his general outlook on most everything, and what seems to be a slight case of paranoia, he’s a guy that you can look at and say, “That’s what I want my kids to be; someone who speaks his mind and stands up for himself.” And if you don’t feel that way, then you owe Charlie Sheen an apology. A big one. While licking his feet? Yup, that’s what he said.

Breaking News 2-25-2011

Los Angeles – In recent light of photo shoot involving Beyonce’ Knowles wearing makeup to in order to darken her skin complexion in a recent photo shoot, reports have surfaced of a major backlash towards teen pop sensation Justin Bieber for appearing in “whiteface” on a recent cover for People Magazine. Knowles cited her decision to pose for her “blackface” photos as a tribute to Nigerian musician and philanthropist Fela Kuti. Knowles’ husband, rapper Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter, is also a producer for the Broadway show Fela, which chronicles the life of Kuti. When asked why he chose to do his feature in white face, Beiber was quoted as saying, “I just wanted to, like, pay homage to many of the pop acts that, you know, like, blazed the trail and had way more screaming teenage girls, just like, throw themselves at their feet than I’ll probably ever dream of (smiley face). Like, The New Kids on the Block and Timberlake’s of the world. If I can just, like, live up to a fraction of what they did…with the shadow that they cast on the pop world, then I’ll be ok with that.”

Bieber has, however, received many critics for his actions. Legendary civil rights leader Jesse Jackson said of the young pop star’s recent photos, “Just because he’s white, don’t make it right.”

Republican, Tea Party member Glenn Beck cited other historical occasions where whiteface was used; most notoriously by the late king of pop, Michael Jackson. “It was reverse racism when he did it, and for kids to see a role model such as Beiber disgracing his race by partaking in an act that nigg…er…blacks have used for years to make themselves look better…it’s just unacceptable. If it’s so cool to be black, as they claim, then why try to be like us?” Beck declined to comment further on the incident stating that it would just add more incentive for “those n***er loving, leftists” to call him a racist bigot.

Rules of Engagement

Over the next 6 or 7 months I have two good friends and a brother getting married. While I’m happy for them having found someone to spend forever with, there’s still a selfish part of me that wishes they were able to continue running the streets and chase women. We all knew Whitey would be the first member of the Phab Phive to take the plunge. And it was only a matter of time before my brother broke down and sold out…I mean proposed. It’s all good though. The young women they’ve chosen to spend forever with (that’s a long time) are seemingly pretty cool. The best thing about this is that I also have numerous bachelor parties and wedding receptions to go to. As a single man, it’s the only reason why weddings are even important if you ask me. Out of respect for their relationships I won’t divulge into the details of debauchery that I plan on partaking in at these bachelor parties. As far as the wedding receptions go, every man has visions of his nights ending up like the first 30 minutes of “Wedding Crashers.” It probably won’t end up that way, but it’s not gonna stop me from getting slightly inebriated and hitting on random women. That includes the caterers.

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. It’s more about the whole idea of engaging in engagement. Do you guys remember the episode of “Martin” when he kept telling Gina about the cost of the engagement ring he bought her until she finally wrote him a thank you card? A lot of people probably thought that was ridiculous. Not me. In fact, I think Martin should have gotten a lot more out of the deal. After each of my friends/brother told me that he was engaged and their new fiancés were showing off their pretty new jewelry, I had to ask each of the women, “Well, what did you get him?” Surprisingly enough, they all gave me the exact same answer: “He gets me…forever.” If this were a sitcom, the studio audience would now go AWWWWW. Don’t get me wrong; that’s really cute. I mean that sincerely, but it’s just not enough. Now I don’t know the exact cost of an engagement ring because I don’t expect to be buying one for quite a while. But I did do some research and I found out that some people think it’s appropriate to drop 3 months’ salary on a ring. HA! Knock it off. I then consulted Google and they told me that the average engagement ring in the US will run somewhere in the range of $3500 - $5000. I guess that’s ok.

Now here is the problem, women have come to the conclusion that it’s perfectly ok to accept these ridiculously expensive gifts and give nothing else in return. At least nothing of physical value. And I told each of these ladies that are soon to be married to my good friends and brother that if they truly loved the men in their lives, they owe him something in return. I can’t put the blame solely on the women, however. Had they let these women know beforehand that they expect their grand gesture of proposing WITH a ring to be reciprocated with something for himself, they wouldn’t be where they are now, which is losing in the relationship. Because while you do indeed get her forever, she also gets you forever…plus a nice expensive ring. Lou. Zing.

My proposal is to get tickets to the man’s choice of sporting event. Is this not a fair trade? I would say so. This is why I’m offering full disclosure now, and will do so with any woman who is lucky enough to sweep me off of my feet and get a ring out of me. Whenever the Bulls have a home stretch (3 or 4 games), I want GOOD seats to each game with air fare to and from Chicago with accommodations in at least a 3 star hotel along with some spending cash because there’s a huge Nike store in town as well. If she gets a ring, this is what I want. There is no negotiating this.

Happy Birthday Mike

I couldn't let today go by without showing some love to the best to ever do it. I'm wearing Bulls gear and Air Jordans all day today...the VI's of course.

She's Back

So after reading the piece where I gave my little brother some advice, MeMe decided to retort with a man bashing piece. I was gonna go with a different title but she started popping off at the mouth over bbm and well...the HoH movement just won't allow that. Either way, these are her words not mine....

“5 Things I Hate about You Too: 5 Things All Guys Do That I Can’t Stand”

The last we met, I divulged 5 things that “all girls do” that I can’t stand. Well, since I’m an equal opportunity asshole, I wanted to balance that with 5 things that “all guys do” that I can’t stand. The premise here is the same as the last time with the same caveat for the numerous guys out there who don’t actually do any of these things. With that being said….

1. Watch SportsCenter. ALL. DAY. LONG.

Look, my dude, you like sports. I get it. But dun sun, you do realize that they’re showing the same shit over and over right??? Like, it’s the EXACT same SportsCenter ALL DAY. They update that ish like 3 times a day and show the update 247 times until the NEXT update. Please stop acting like you can’t tear your arse from the couch to come pick me up or let me watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta in between one of a gajillion and 9 showings of this same episode!! (Insert Jamie Foxx bitchilism here)

2. Become a Total Emotional Retard

I don’t know if it’s because you guys aren’t used to dealing with emotions very much or what, but any display of strong emotion by a female tends to turn y’all into complete and total emotional retards. Before you say this isn’t true, I offer every Daddy’s girl’s Exhibit A: CRYING. My dad spanked me ONCE in my life and I felt so betrayed all I could do was cry silently in my Granny’s lap. Cue my dad for more waterworks. Once he re-emerged from the bathroom, eyes glistening and red-rimmed, he spent a week buying me candy and spending large amounts of time at McDonald’s. As I’ve gotten older, I still know crying is the way to my dad’s heart (or wallet). I don’t like overly emo situations/people either, but I still know how to cope. For some reason y’all go slack jawed and vacant eyed. It’s actually kinda funny…but still irritating. My favorites are the dudes in relationships with girls they don’t want to be with. The ones who try to breakup with their girl but can never get it to stick because she starts crying, throwing ish, or threatening bodily harm. All over the top emotions and instead of dealing with them, these guys crumble like cottage cheese (eeeeeeeewwww).

3. Say You Don’t Like Girls In Weave or Makeup…

…then ONLY TALK TO GIRLS WITH TONS OF WEAVE AND MAKEUP. You can’t see that thick ass layer of M.A.C. C5 on her face or notice those two-and-a-half packs of 14 inch Indian remy 1B?!?!? The irony of the mass appeal of this sentiment is even stronger when compared to the women men seem to talk to. I feel like my best friend’s fiancé summed up the appropriate response to this issue: “Babe, I’ve loved you from the day we met. Whatever you were doing THAT day, keep doing it.” As long as she looks good, why does that ish matter?? Whether she’s 18 inches wet and wavy or with her normal straight bob, it doesn’t matter. Love is blind or whatever so you should be more concerned with whether her personality is real than whether her hair is. Make up is meant to enhance natural features so if she wants to play up her eyes with smokey eyeshadow or emphasize luscious lips with colored lipstick, as long as she looks good, it really is irrelevant.

4. Expect Forgiveness Without Being Willing to Give It.


This one is a little more serious than the previous ones and I even tweeted this the other day* and got a ton of responses. Apparently I’m not the only one who’s noticed that mean are very quick to expect a female to forgive them their transgressions, but are usually fundamentally opposed to extending the same clemency to a female. The easiest example is cheating. A dude cheats on his girl and expects her to stay with him and work it out or let him get it out of his system or whatever. If same female cheats on same male, it’s the ultimate betrayal and most unforgivable of crimes. And that, my friends, is f*ckin ridiculous.

5. Act Like Valentine’s Day is the Worst Thing Ever

Seriously dude, if you put as much thought into your high school classes as you put in finding reasons to denounce, demean, and completely reject Valentine’s Day, you’d be friggin Steve Jobs. Yea, that didn’t make sense but NEITHER DO YOU! Valentine’s Day is pretty much a free pass for some real certified kinkiness! Quit your bellyaching, come off some flowers and a nice bottle of wine and let the good time roll! No but for real. I personally don’t care about Valentine’s Day; I don’t like most traditional jewelry, I like to keep fresh flowers around my spot anyway, and I prefer Swedish Fish to chocolates. That’s just me though. If you get a girl and you know Valentine’s Day is important to her, whether you agree or not, I feel like as a good partner, you should acknowledge this in some way. I don’t care about most people’s birthday but I still acknowledge the day because it’s special to them and, if they’re special to me, it deserves recognition. That’s like the rule of transitive equality or something*.

*I really am on Twitter. Follow @supermeece for more profanity, rants, and piss poor math.

*I completely and totally made this up.

THE GOAT

Earlier today while I was in the gym keeping my skinny-ness toned and sculptured, I was distracted by a tweet that came in on my phone. It had something to do with snow leopards. Either way, right below on my timeline was a discussion between two good friends of mine talking about how championships separate great players from elite players (for example, Malone/Barkley = great. Magic/Bird = Elite). One friend then made the argument that Bill Russell may indeed be the greatest player ever because of his mass amount of rings. Well, of course I had to chime in. Now before we go any further, let me just say that I am a certified, beyond a shadow of a doubt Michael Jordan stan. A stan goes beyond your everyday fanhood. With that said, I offer my sincerest apologies for anyone who may find this piece to be a little biased.

In my professional opinion, Michael Jordan is THE aboslute greatest player to ever put on an NBA uniform (along with some of the greatest sneakers as well). The argument for some other players is entertaining, but let’s be real about the situation. Mike sits at the throne alone. Some try to argue Kobe. If any of you saw the comparison between the two over the course of the same amount of career games, then we all know that argument is now null and void. The awards, the numbers, and the accolades just don’t add up in Kobe’s favor. Not taking anything away from Kobe; he’s the closest thing on the court I’ve seen to Mike. He’s got a much better long range shot, and when he wants to get to the hole, he gets to the hole. Just ask any white girl in Colorado.

Some will say Bill Russell. It’s hard to argue with 11 championships. I will give Bill Russell the title of greatest on court leader. But greatest player ever? Nah, can’t do it. Just talking from a skill wise and talent perspective, Wilt Chamberlain was killing Bill Russell in head to head comparisons pretty much every time they played. I realize that Bill Russell’s teams won most of those games (he did play alongside about 30 hall of famers), but my point is that nobody ever dominated Mike on a routine basis like that.

And then there’s the case for Magic. The most entertaining case of them all. He is the definition of a team player. He could play all five positions. He could pretty much put the ball anywhere on the court that he wanted to. He’s got the championships and the numbers to put up a good fight with Mike. The most compelling argument that Magic Johnson fans will make is that he started winning as soon as he came into the league. True enough. It’s should also be noted that he came in playing with Kareem, and was soon joined by other Hall of Fame players. Michael Jordan’s best teammates for a while were Charles Oakley and Craig Hodges. Even when he got Pippen, Grant, and Phil, it took them a few years to get fully developed before they started winning. But once they did, it was a wrap for the rest of the league. Even if Magic’s career was cut short because he couldn’t keep his d*ck in his pants, does anybody out there really believe he would’ve beaten Mike in a finals rematch? No, I didn’t think so. You’ll have people say that Mike never played against other elite players like Bird or Isaiah Thomas. Well if Barkley, Malone, Ewing, Payton, Stockton, etc could’ve beaten Mike then maybe they would be considered elite. But they couldn’t, so they’re not. The fact of the matter is, Magic just didn’t have a kill switch where he could take over the game and completely destroy the other team on both ends of the floor like Mike. Not saying he couldn’t do it, he just couldn’t do it better and more consistently than Mike. If Lebron ever gets one of those kill switches, we may have to revisit this argument in another ten years or so.

You know what really sets Mike apart from every other player to ever play the game? Every single time he stepped on the court, we expected him to win. In his last six seasons (with the Bulls of course), was there ever a doubt as to who would win the championship? Find me another player who could take over the league like that and we’ll talk. Until then, let’s put the argument to rest. Michael Jordan is and continues to be the greatest player in NBA history. I won’t even bring up about how much he changed the game (for better and worse), and made the NBA the global business that it is now, and how there will never be another athlete who will have an impact on pop culture like he did because I could go all day with this stuff. On that note, I’d like to say GO BULLS…D ROSE FOR MVP!!!

You Really Don't Wanna Know

Last week I made it a point to give my little brother some advice to help him navigate through some of the women he is most certain to come across at some point in time. This week it’s important that I offer a piece of advice that everybody should follow when dealing with the opposite sex, but, unfortunately they think that they can handle the consequences of ignoring it and they end up with hurt feelings. Unless the matter is critical, never ask a question to which you don’t want to know the answer. Why anybody would willingly ask a question like this continues to boggle my mind, especially if it’s something minor. The worst part is when someone asks you one of these questions, and they get mad at you for answering it honestly. So I’ve decided to break this week’s post up into two sections; one for the guys and one for the girls. I know they say ladies first, but as a member of the HoH movement that doesn’t apply to me. So today I’d like to talk to the fellas about things you just shouldn’t want to know about the woman in your life.

I know there are some things that I just don’t care to know about a woman; specifically the exact amount of guys she’s been with. Chances are she’s gonna lie about this number anyway. Like I’ve said before, if a woman isn’t a known slut and has no STD’s then we’re good to go. The reason for this is because I’d hate to meet a woman who has already swept me off my feet, and then I do something stupid like ask her, “Exactly how many guys have you been with?” What’s the point? See, I have a theory about every woman over the age of 23. Someone(s) already landed on Plymouth Rock before you did. Everything that she does for you in bed, she learned from some other guy. I know that’s crushing to a lot of the male egos here, but it’s true. And the sooner we realize this, the sooner we can stop fooling ourselves into fantasizing about this pure and clean young lady that we hope to find and marry. Unless you want to walk the halls at your nearest high school, chances are she doesn’t exist in your world.

Also, it’s probably wise not to ask a woman if she came or not when you had sex. Women generally know when a man comes because it happens 99% of the time. Probably not so for all women. I don’t know because I’ll never ask. Is it something that men would like to know for sure? Yeah, I guess, but ignorance is bliss. If she says yes every time, you’ll wonder if she’s just saying so to protect your ego. If she says no, then you’ll go paranoid. If she seems to enjoy having sex with you and will initiate intercourse, chances are you’re good. If you have to damn near bribe her to get in bed, chances are you share that girl.

Another question to never ask a woman is whether or not it’s that “time of the month”. Just don’t do it. It won’t end well. Just assume that it is and leave her alone.

The central theme here is to not ask questions where the answer is better left unsaid and everyone is seemingly happier for it. It makes life easier and will keep the male ego intact. Good day, gents.

We Don't Believe You...

The other day I was talking with a good friend whose little brother was coming to visit him, and we started a brief conversation of the joys of having a little brother. I know my two older brothers were always elated to have a younger brother because, well …he was me. Growing up, they would give me little pieces of advice here and there to help guide me through life, and even though they were only a couple of years older than me, the advice was well appreciated and put to good use. Well almost 16 years ago, my dad got remarried and had another son. The lucky bastard even looked like me. Now whenever all four of us get together, we make sure to kick the youngest one some knowledge, whether it’s pertains to life in general or dealing with others of the opposite sex. Mainly, the latter because it has been observed that guys today are increasingly getting out of pocket when it comes to matters of the female species in general. I never want my brother to be that guy.

One of the most important pieces of advice given to my big, little brother was to never put anything past any woman. There’s a difference between trusting someone and being naïve. But there are a few more tidbits or better yet, red flags that he should listen for in a conversation when talking to a girl. This can also be used as a tutorial for some of you ladies out there who continue to spew these clichés, thinking guys will fall for them time and time again. Well…we don’t believe you. You need more people.

Red Flag #1: “I’m not like other girls.” Technically, she’s right, because God only created one of her. The same goes for the other 3 to 4 billion women on the planet. Telling any man that you are not like other girls is not going to make him believe you are special. At least I hope not. Because he will have heard it so many times, that by the time the next woman tells him, he’ll believe that you ARE in fact just like every other girl. If women want to prove that they’re not like other women, stop being hormonal and overly emotional about trivial bullshit, don’t be so insecure, stop wearing a similar outfit as every other girl in the club and stop drinking Moscato. Even if you tell me that you were drinking it long before Drake started mentioning it in his songs, I still won’t believe you….because I’ve heard it too many times before.

Red Flag #2: “I’ve never done this before.” This could actually be true, but here’s why I doubt it. Some women perform certain acts a little too well and without any reluctance for me to believe that she’s never had practice before. Why women tell us this fairytale, I have no idea; probably because she doesn’t want to come off as easy. This is totally understandable except that women fail to realize one thing. No sane man cares or cares to know about your past. As long as a woman isn’t a known slut or have any STD’s, we really don’t want to know. When you tell this little lie, all it makes us men believe is that you’re covering up for being too easy. So, my big, little brother , whenever a woman says this to you just nod and smile, and know that she’s probably done it before and she’ll most likely do it again for you.

Red Flag # 3: “I only hang out with guys.” or “I don’t have any female friends.” I’ve run across at least six of these women in my lifetime. Ironically, they all hang out together. When a woman says one or the other to a man, he’s not thinking “Finally, I have someone to watch the game and play Call of Duty with. I’m not sure what it is about women that they think men want to hear this. We especially don’t if we’re trying to establish some kind of relationship. It’s not even about me being insecure or about me not trusting you. It’s about me knowing other dudes. The thirst levels for these dudes out here are at an all-time high, and as high as they put the p*ssy on a pedestal, you can’t put anything past them. Imagine if the next dude you tried talking to told you that he only hangs out with women. Half of the women out there will label him a whore. The other half will label him as gay. For the women in the “I don’t have any female friends” party, you strike me as one of two things; a person who fails to develop and maintain meaningful relationships, or someone who doesn’t have any friends to occupy her time, so she’ll bug the fuck out of me day in and day out. Either way, I’ll pass. And you should too bro.

I’m sure you all will have a lot to say about this one, so have at it.
Oh yeah, follow me on twitter @baustin06