Rules of Engagement

Over the next 6 or 7 months I have two good friends and a brother getting married. While I’m happy for them having found someone to spend forever with, there’s still a selfish part of me that wishes they were able to continue running the streets and chase women. We all knew Whitey would be the first member of the Phab Phive to take the plunge. And it was only a matter of time before my brother broke down and sold out…I mean proposed. It’s all good though. The young women they’ve chosen to spend forever with (that’s a long time) are seemingly pretty cool. The best thing about this is that I also have numerous bachelor parties and wedding receptions to go to. As a single man, it’s the only reason why weddings are even important if you ask me. Out of respect for their relationships I won’t divulge into the details of debauchery that I plan on partaking in at these bachelor parties. As far as the wedding receptions go, every man has visions of his nights ending up like the first 30 minutes of “Wedding Crashers.” It probably won’t end up that way, but it’s not gonna stop me from getting slightly inebriated and hitting on random women. That includes the caterers.

But that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. It’s more about the whole idea of engaging in engagement. Do you guys remember the episode of “Martin” when he kept telling Gina about the cost of the engagement ring he bought her until she finally wrote him a thank you card? A lot of people probably thought that was ridiculous. Not me. In fact, I think Martin should have gotten a lot more out of the deal. After each of my friends/brother told me that he was engaged and their new fiancés were showing off their pretty new jewelry, I had to ask each of the women, “Well, what did you get him?” Surprisingly enough, they all gave me the exact same answer: “He gets me…forever.” If this were a sitcom, the studio audience would now go AWWWWW. Don’t get me wrong; that’s really cute. I mean that sincerely, but it’s just not enough. Now I don’t know the exact cost of an engagement ring because I don’t expect to be buying one for quite a while. But I did do some research and I found out that some people think it’s appropriate to drop 3 months’ salary on a ring. HA! Knock it off. I then consulted Google and they told me that the average engagement ring in the US will run somewhere in the range of $3500 - $5000. I guess that’s ok.

Now here is the problem, women have come to the conclusion that it’s perfectly ok to accept these ridiculously expensive gifts and give nothing else in return. At least nothing of physical value. And I told each of these ladies that are soon to be married to my good friends and brother that if they truly loved the men in their lives, they owe him something in return. I can’t put the blame solely on the women, however. Had they let these women know beforehand that they expect their grand gesture of proposing WITH a ring to be reciprocated with something for himself, they wouldn’t be where they are now, which is losing in the relationship. Because while you do indeed get her forever, she also gets you forever…plus a nice expensive ring. Lou. Zing.

My proposal is to get tickets to the man’s choice of sporting event. Is this not a fair trade? I would say so. This is why I’m offering full disclosure now, and will do so with any woman who is lucky enough to sweep me off of my feet and get a ring out of me. Whenever the Bulls have a home stretch (3 or 4 games), I want GOOD seats to each game with air fare to and from Chicago with accommodations in at least a 3 star hotel along with some spending cash because there’s a huge Nike store in town as well. If she gets a ring, this is what I want. There is no negotiating this.