She's Back

So after reading the piece where I gave my little brother some advice, MeMe decided to retort with a man bashing piece. I was gonna go with a different title but she started popping off at the mouth over bbm and well...the HoH movement just won't allow that. Either way, these are her words not mine....

“5 Things I Hate about You Too: 5 Things All Guys Do That I Can’t Stand”

The last we met, I divulged 5 things that “all girls do” that I can’t stand. Well, since I’m an equal opportunity asshole, I wanted to balance that with 5 things that “all guys do” that I can’t stand. The premise here is the same as the last time with the same caveat for the numerous guys out there who don’t actually do any of these things. With that being said….

1. Watch SportsCenter. ALL. DAY. LONG.

Look, my dude, you like sports. I get it. But dun sun, you do realize that they’re showing the same shit over and over right??? Like, it’s the EXACT same SportsCenter ALL DAY. They update that ish like 3 times a day and show the update 247 times until the NEXT update. Please stop acting like you can’t tear your arse from the couch to come pick me up or let me watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta in between one of a gajillion and 9 showings of this same episode!! (Insert Jamie Foxx bitchilism here)

2. Become a Total Emotional Retard

I don’t know if it’s because you guys aren’t used to dealing with emotions very much or what, but any display of strong emotion by a female tends to turn y’all into complete and total emotional retards. Before you say this isn’t true, I offer every Daddy’s girl’s Exhibit A: CRYING. My dad spanked me ONCE in my life and I felt so betrayed all I could do was cry silently in my Granny’s lap. Cue my dad for more waterworks. Once he re-emerged from the bathroom, eyes glistening and red-rimmed, he spent a week buying me candy and spending large amounts of time at McDonald’s. As I’ve gotten older, I still know crying is the way to my dad’s heart (or wallet). I don’t like overly emo situations/people either, but I still know how to cope. For some reason y’all go slack jawed and vacant eyed. It’s actually kinda funny…but still irritating. My favorites are the dudes in relationships with girls they don’t want to be with. The ones who try to breakup with their girl but can never get it to stick because she starts crying, throwing ish, or threatening bodily harm. All over the top emotions and instead of dealing with them, these guys crumble like cottage cheese (eeeeeeeewwww).

3. Say You Don’t Like Girls In Weave or Makeup…

…then ONLY TALK TO GIRLS WITH TONS OF WEAVE AND MAKEUP. You can’t see that thick ass layer of M.A.C. C5 on her face or notice those two-and-a-half packs of 14 inch Indian remy 1B?!?!? The irony of the mass appeal of this sentiment is even stronger when compared to the women men seem to talk to. I feel like my best friend’s fiancé summed up the appropriate response to this issue: “Babe, I’ve loved you from the day we met. Whatever you were doing THAT day, keep doing it.” As long as she looks good, why does that ish matter?? Whether she’s 18 inches wet and wavy or with her normal straight bob, it doesn’t matter. Love is blind or whatever so you should be more concerned with whether her personality is real than whether her hair is. Make up is meant to enhance natural features so if she wants to play up her eyes with smokey eyeshadow or emphasize luscious lips with colored lipstick, as long as she looks good, it really is irrelevant.

4. Expect Forgiveness Without Being Willing to Give It.


This one is a little more serious than the previous ones and I even tweeted this the other day* and got a ton of responses. Apparently I’m not the only one who’s noticed that mean are very quick to expect a female to forgive them their transgressions, but are usually fundamentally opposed to extending the same clemency to a female. The easiest example is cheating. A dude cheats on his girl and expects her to stay with him and work it out or let him get it out of his system or whatever. If same female cheats on same male, it’s the ultimate betrayal and most unforgivable of crimes. And that, my friends, is f*ckin ridiculous.

5. Act Like Valentine’s Day is the Worst Thing Ever

Seriously dude, if you put as much thought into your high school classes as you put in finding reasons to denounce, demean, and completely reject Valentine’s Day, you’d be friggin Steve Jobs. Yea, that didn’t make sense but NEITHER DO YOU! Valentine’s Day is pretty much a free pass for some real certified kinkiness! Quit your bellyaching, come off some flowers and a nice bottle of wine and let the good time roll! No but for real. I personally don’t care about Valentine’s Day; I don’t like most traditional jewelry, I like to keep fresh flowers around my spot anyway, and I prefer Swedish Fish to chocolates. That’s just me though. If you get a girl and you know Valentine’s Day is important to her, whether you agree or not, I feel like as a good partner, you should acknowledge this in some way. I don’t care about most people’s birthday but I still acknowledge the day because it’s special to them and, if they’re special to me, it deserves recognition. That’s like the rule of transitive equality or something*.

*I really am on Twitter. Follow @supermeece for more profanity, rants, and piss poor math.

*I completely and totally made this up.