Higher Learning

Not going to work during the middle of the week is a Catch-22 for me. Yeah, I don’t have to put up with the daily bullshit and co-workers on that day, but I have to suffer through something else that might be a little worse. If you notice, the commercials that you watch target a dramatically different demographic at about the noon time period. This is when most unemployed, weed heads, and general day to day ne’er do wells decide to wake up and become productive. Fear not. If you dregs of society watch some of your local programming, you will find the keys to your future. Don’t you know that if you go to Everest College, you can learn a skillful trade and get a degree in two years, unlike your dumbass friends who decided to go to a four year accredited university? Who really wants to live in a co-ed dorm with, basically, in house poon walking around on a daily basis?

I’m not even going to attack the “students” who decide to attend one of these “schools.” It’s commendable that you want to at least make an effort to do something with your life, despite the fact that you are being sadly misguided. Unfortunately, the stellar public schools in our great nation are better at preparing “the youth” for these schools than for real colleges. No Thug Left Behind, courtesy of Dubya and “Tha Congress”.

No, this is for DeVry, ITT Tech, and the black dude on the Everest commercials. Do you really believe that people are stupid enough to believe that a two year associates engineering degree (read: spending an hour with the local mechanic at the auto shop twice a week) is gonna alter their life dramatically? What’s even worse is when they show the 21 year old high school dropout mother with 3 kids, who got her nurse’s aide certificate showing how happy she is that she can support her family with a job that she is proud of. Bitch please. Is that 24 stacks a year she pulling down in her “career” better than the $500 a night she was banking at the Player’s Club? Straight cash, homie. Did anybody think of how this would affect the kids? Now, baby Joker, Miguel, and Smiley don’t even get real orange juice for breakfast. All Mom can afford is Tampico Orange Flavored Drink. No more Jordan’s for the little ones. Instead they show up to school rockin the standard issue Riddells or Ponys from Oshman’s and Academy. Now, they’re unhealthy and socially inept. They can’t concentrate in school, so eventually they drop out, have three kids of their own, and start selling drugs. Upon their release from the county, they see a commercial for….you guessed it: This nigga telling them to pick up the phone and “call Everest NOW!” And the cycle continues.

Am I reading too far into this? Am I thinking about “the youth” too much? I guess I can’t be too mad, if it weren’t for these schools, I wouldn’t have any graduates to change my oil. Thanks guys.

Evolutionofdorianb.blogspot.com...

We at My Shoe Bag want to take this time out to give some love to our girl D, over at evolutionofdorianb.blogspot.com. For the lastest in entertainment news and celebrity gossip, she got the game on lock.

Snap Out of It!!!

Anybody ever been grocery shopping and you see a kid misbehaving? Why is it that the parent decides that the best way to get the kid to act right is through the use of logical reasoning, and talking to the kid? Doesn’t that make you want to tell the parents, “Snap Out of It,” followed by a slap. Seriously, your child is your personal property. You should be able to do with it what you will (within reason). This includes whooping his/her ass on a daily basis if need be.

That’s what this latest segment will be catered to. So let’s jump in head first to the first subject of the week. This is something that really gets under my skin. I hope no one is offended by this, but if you are, well…then fix the problem and this article will no longer be about you. I REALLY HATE IT WHEN FAT PEOPLE WEAR SHORTS, and the shorts go up between their legs; or when they wear a shirt that is too small, and I can see their pot belly.

It’s like having your draws in your ass, but they are between your legs instead. I know you notice it or at least feel it when the skin from your legs rubs together. No one wants to see the wrinkle of your upper thigh. GOSH!!!! It’s disgusting and shows no respect for the people around you.

Please hide your pot belly with a bigger shirt. That’s all that needs to be said about that. Not sexy.

Here are 3 solutions for you, with the first one being the only option you should really have.

Option 1: Lose weight. Not being funny, but it’s for your own benefit. Believe me, it will make life easier

Option 2: Wear tights under your shorts or get bigger ones. The tights help, but you might get hot. Then you will sweat. Then you will smell

Option 3: Have a friend pull it out for you every time it happens.

Please take care of this problem immediately.

Signing Out

FWD:FWD:FWD: FUCK OFF!

Don’t you guys just love the holidays? Good food, good family, and good times. Every time we host a holiday dinner at my folks’ house, after everybody has a full stomach and darkness falls, my stepdad will send me to the car to get his celebratory handle of Crown Royal. Eventually the dominoes come out and after pouring up with my family, we make our way to the second bottle out of my brother’s car. There’s nothing like being halfway drunk, taking pictures with my family, and talking shit to my cousins and uncles as I bust heads at the domino table. However, recently I haven’t been able to enjoy this favorite pastime of mine. Not because I’m getting beat at the domino table, but because my damn phone keeps going off non-stop with a lot of text messages. And the general message looks something like this:

“FWD: FWD: FWD: Hope u n ur fam have a Merry Christmas. Remember, Jesus is the reason for the season. God bless.”

Ok, so where should I start? How about if I’m a person that doesn’t have unlimited texts? Where’s the sympathy for the broke ass people who can’t pony up the extra $5 to get an unlimited text plan. Or should I just go with the fact that you don’t give two fucks about my family, and whether or not they have a happy holiday? Seriously if you’ve never met my family, and I haven’t talked to you in 6 months, you don’t care whether or not my drunk ass aunts and uncles enjoy themselves. And do I really need to be reminded of the fact that Christmas is Jesus’ “birthday?” Like I wasn’t forced to be in the church Christmas play for 3 years straight, or to be at Mass at 8am Christmas morning with a serious hangover. Don’t think for one second, that just because you threw in some religious implications, your message isn't automatically deleted. Is that supposed to guilt me into sending you a response? Get real.

I’m not trying to be extra insensitive. I really do appreciate the thought that you added me to your mass text message list…I really do. But I do not appreciate the gesture at all. On second thought, how impersonal is that shit? Refrain from sending me the same bullshit that you sent to the other 400 people in your phone, and trying to pass that shit off as a personal sentiment to me and only me. Come to think of it….fuck it. Erase my number.

Breaking News: Leprechaun Captured in Mobile, AL

Mobile, Alabama - Reports have been confirmed that the leprechaun who has terrorized the streets of Mobile, Alabama for over two years has been apprehended by local authorities. After a three hour standoff in a barn located in the deep woods, police were able to subdue and bring the suspect in for questioning. Though charges against the leprechaun were not initially released to the public, there have been whispers that the suspect is being held at an undisclosed facility without bond until he is set to be arraigned. A witness who wishes to remain unidentified has been credited with releasing the most valuable piece of information to authorities, after he presented a life like sketch of the leprechaun. MyShoeBag was able to catch up with the unnamed witness earlier today, who said he picked up the art of sketching while attending a local community college. When asked whether or not he was an art major, the witness replied, “No, I went to school for comprutas.”

In an exclusive interview with MSB reporters, the leprechaun maintained his innocence, saying the only crime that he had committed was “being a green man in America.” If lab tests confirm that fingerprints found on a magic flute, which is believed to enable its user to cast spells over others, belong to the suspect in question, he will be officially charged with 3 counts of terrorism by a Non-American citizen.

The standoff began after a local man uprooted a tree with a back hoe, believed to be the hideout of the leprechaun by many residents of the neighborhood. Local hero Q’Andre Marshall remained humble, however, even after receiving the key to the city for Acts of Bravery. Reporters swarmed Marshall with questions of how he was able to display such courage in a stressful situation, in which he excitedly responded, “I jes’ wanted the gol’.” Though no gold was confiscated from the scene authorities have began a thorough investigation to uncover whether or not the leprechaun was working with anyone in the neighborhood to see if he was tipped off before his immanent arrest.

The case remains open as of press release.

Diversity, Shmemersity

And now back to one of My Shoe Bag’s favorite topics: Race.

While performing our duties as media-influenced consuming Americans, we’ve noticed something about this so-called “diversity” thing. Take for instance, the black-themed car commercials: they usually take place at night, a black guy and his woman are driving to the club in a black car along shiny, rain soaked streets with a smooth hip-hop and/or jazzy beat in the background. Also take notice of how the various “Dr. Miracles” commercials (self-explanatory) don’t apply to this observation. However, all one has to do is turn on a television and catch any non-black themed commercial, TV show, or movie to notice something significantly un-“diverse”. As a matter of fact, open a newspaper and scroll up and down the ladies featured in your local Target or Macy’s advertisement. Do you see women of color? Of course. Sexy Asians? Check. Spicy Latinas? Check. Sultry Black women? Ehhh…. Sort of.

The only black women featured in mass media campaigns NOT geared specifically towards black folks sure look different from most of the black women we grew up around. Notice how light-skinned they are? Notice how curly the hair is? Notice how stereotypically white the facial features are? Of course you do. You just never realized it before.

Pay attention, lazy Americans. Mass media in America claims “diversity” and rightfully stock their model tanks with ethnic women, but where are all of the good old-fashioned attractive black women who aren’t mixed, extra light-skinned, or don’t possess white-influenced curly hair? No, seriously, where are they? Did recruiting agencies just forget? We sure doubt it. Our theory? We think these lame ass various media companies try to find the most non-ethnic ethnic women they can find, claim diversity, and hopefully don’t offend Chet and Becky while they are having lattes and croissants over their Sunday New York Times.

We want to see some real diversity, America. Is that too much to ask? In this world, it probably is. But until we do, we here at MyShoeBag are going to be out in the streets, reporting on the real world and telling it like it is. Get used to it, America.

R. Kelly v Chris Brown

Hello World,

In this section, we will review (double standards) two singers that have somehow got themselves into more trouble than one of BeBe’s kids playing on a fence. Just incase you were hiding with Bin Ladin or in a coma I will catch you up to the situation then give you all different point of views.

Culprit #1: R. Kelly: He was accused of being a pisser. Some how he managed to piss on a teenage girl…on tape…and thought nothing was wrong with the entire situation. Really? He should have known something was wrong with it when the thought of just squirting yellowish liquid over a little girl. Looks like someone has been taking his FloMax. But seriously, how does that even translate to sex? Like, if I walk around pissing on myself all day, will my pussy rate increase? But that’s not the point right now.

Culprit #2: Chris Brown: We see a little “kiss-kiss” went a little too far. No one wants to wake up from a slumber and see some “nerd candy” looking figure on his lip. But lets get back on track. He is now looked down upon by the public for going “Ape Shit on her ass” and “coming at her like a Spider Monkey”. After all, on the radio, they did say she had two knots on her forehand looking like a ram. To sum all this up though, Chris Brown beat up his girlfriend Rihanna. Word came out that he even choked his little umbrella toting princess. Damn, RiRi, how DO you breathe with no air?

Since the recent actions of Chris Brown, some radio stations have stopped playing his music because of the dispute he had with his girlfriend. Do you really think this is fair? In the U.S. alone 5 wives or girlfriends get beat everyday (sited from myself) and no one treats them any different. But on the other hand, R. Kelly pisses on someone and can still make songs talking about “let me pour up a glass of lemonade” to be played on the radio? Not saying one is more right than the other, but where should the line be drawn? How is a known pedophile and pisser still getting this kind of support? In the beating case, the woman was hitting back, and, this is just me speaking, but if she hit me I’m gonna hit her harder.

The question is this: should Chris Breezy’s songs be banned from the radio and not Robert Kelly? Both were wrong, but what Chris Brown did is not anything new so why should he be treated any different? Any ladies care to offer their opinion? Would you rather your man hit you or piss on you?

Signing Out

The Honey Moon Is Over

I think most black people are coming down from the high of Barack Obama’s presidential inauguration. Despite turning Washington D.C. into the “Freak-Nik” of uppity Negroes with advanced degrees, the whole inauguration weekend was pretty conflict free. Except for Bill O’Reilly’s hating on Young Jeezy, that is. It’s not his fault that Toby Keith and Cowboy Troy’s Uncle Tom ass didn’t make an ode to Bush: “My President’s a Redneck, his tractor is blue…and I’ll be got damned if he don’t hate blacks too.”

Everybody is stressing to Obama how important it is for him to succeed in office so that Black people can continue on this path of “progression” (We still have a Black man cleaning up a White’s man mess, sounds like some plantation type shit to me). At My Shoe Bag, however, Mr. President, we want to stress that it’s not necessarily important that you succeed, it’s just crucial that you don’t fuck up. For the sake of all the children of the world whose name begins with a “Da” or “La” followed by a common name, (i.e. LaShawn), don’t fuck this up. And don’t believe for one second, that just because you won the election, black people will give you a free pass. It’s no secret that Black people are generally willing to do the work to get where we want to be, but tend to slack off whenever we get there. Yeah, it’s all good that Mane Mane is the first person in the family to go to college, but if he drops out, nobody is gonna be checking for little brother LaMarcus to make that leap into higher learning. That’s word to Remy. Getting to college is the easy part; graduating is the part that requires a little extra effort. If you were going to drop out, Mane Mane, you could’ve saved the tax payer’s money (read: my money) by not even bothering to fill out those damn FAFSA papers. You could’ve just as easily taken your ass to the military, gone to Iraq and taken a slug or two for the team, which probably would’ve happened if you had stayed in the hood anyway. At least then you would’ve got a Purple Heart and had something to show for it.

Pardon my random ramblings. The point is this, Mr. Obama: Black people have put you on a pedestal. I’m smart enough to know that you’re a politician and your participation in some kind of shady shit is just part of the package. Others have made you out to be Barack of Nazareth, but if you fuck this up for us we will go Pontius Pilot on that ass (no Judas). Michelle already made you move her mama into your house after you came up. If that ain’t some nigga shit, I don’t know what is. I’m gonna be real pissed if I wake up one day in mid-July and all of Michelle’s hood and country ass cousins are celebrating Madea’s family reunion at the white house. The White people are looking for you to do some coon ass shit; to them you’re just another nigga from the south side of the Chi, who got Xzibit to pimp his Cadillac.

But…maybe I’m paranoid, I got worried when I turned on the tv to see you giving your 2 cents about the A-Rod/steroids situation. I’m a pretty big Yankee fan, but with all due respect Mr. President, I would rather let the Steinbrenner’s and the MLBPA handle this. Don’t we have a fucked up economy or something like a war going on right now that’s a little more important to the administration? You can’t lose focus to talk about anything else besides digging this country out of the shit hole that it’s in already. Especially sports. It’s bad enough that white people are still jealous about the fact that we have the extra bone and/or muscle that makes us superior athletes. We already stole most major sports from them, they don’t need to watch Sports Center to be reminded that we now own the “Ultimate White Man’s Position of Power.” They’re just waiting to pay us back by either: A) never letting another black man into the white house again, or even worse B) letting a Mexican run the country (Mexicans don’t like Black people; it’s a proven fact). I’m gonna let you slide on this ONE because you weren’t fully aware of the situation. Now you know. So let me put it this way, since you’re such an avid basketball fan, act like you play on a team with Kobe; don’t expect any more passes.

Welcome to My Shoe Bag

Good morning, afternoon, and evening

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to My Shoe Bag. First and foremost, if political correctness is a favorite pastime of yours, this would be a good time to exit the room. People do a lot of dumb shit, so we figured it’s about time for someone to call out the ridiculousness of any and all current events going on. It’s important to say what you really feel and what the rest of America is afraid to say. For example, most people are shocked that Chris Brown was involved in an alleged assault against Rihanna. We at My Shoe Bag feel that if your significant other randomly pops up with some shit on her lip that has some shit on its lip, a man reserves the right to go upside her head like a New Era fitted. In no way, shape, or form is domestic abuse a laughing matter, but let’s be real. I’ll be damned if my girl walks around with one of T.I.’s lip sores and has me looking like a damn fool.

Let me get back to the subject at hand. We just wanted to bring people a source of entertainment and a hefty dose of reality free of any bullshit. No one is safe and nothing is off limits. Politics, religion, sports, entertainment, sex, and most importantly, racism will all be the subjects that will feel the brunt force of our farce. I could care less if you are fat, a minority, or handicapped; just know that if you happen to fall into all three categories, it is very possible that you will not approve of what we might (most likely what we will) say about you.

So, in short, we promise to do the following: Keep it 100% real at any and all times, never sugarcoat anything to spare anyone’s feelings, and lastly, to try our hardest to offend you.

Thank you, and welcome to My Shoe Bag.