FWD:FWD:FWD: FUCK OFF!

Don’t you guys just love the holidays? Good food, good family, and good times. Every time we host a holiday dinner at my folks’ house, after everybody has a full stomach and darkness falls, my stepdad will send me to the car to get his celebratory handle of Crown Royal. Eventually the dominoes come out and after pouring up with my family, we make our way to the second bottle out of my brother’s car. There’s nothing like being halfway drunk, taking pictures with my family, and talking shit to my cousins and uncles as I bust heads at the domino table. However, recently I haven’t been able to enjoy this favorite pastime of mine. Not because I’m getting beat at the domino table, but because my damn phone keeps going off non-stop with a lot of text messages. And the general message looks something like this:

“FWD: FWD: FWD: Hope u n ur fam have a Merry Christmas. Remember, Jesus is the reason for the season. God bless.”

Ok, so where should I start? How about if I’m a person that doesn’t have unlimited texts? Where’s the sympathy for the broke ass people who can’t pony up the extra $5 to get an unlimited text plan. Or should I just go with the fact that you don’t give two fucks about my family, and whether or not they have a happy holiday? Seriously if you’ve never met my family, and I haven’t talked to you in 6 months, you don’t care whether or not my drunk ass aunts and uncles enjoy themselves. And do I really need to be reminded of the fact that Christmas is Jesus’ “birthday?” Like I wasn’t forced to be in the church Christmas play for 3 years straight, or to be at Mass at 8am Christmas morning with a serious hangover. Don’t think for one second, that just because you threw in some religious implications, your message isn't automatically deleted. Is that supposed to guilt me into sending you a response? Get real.

I’m not trying to be extra insensitive. I really do appreciate the thought that you added me to your mass text message list…I really do. But I do not appreciate the gesture at all. On second thought, how impersonal is that shit? Refrain from sending me the same bullshit that you sent to the other 400 people in your phone, and trying to pass that shit off as a personal sentiment to me and only me. Come to think of it….fuck it. Erase my number.