Be Cool

No other sneakers in history have ever caused more ruckus than Air Jordans. The very first one was banned by the NBA. In the 90’s they were highly criticized for having what was then considered an astronomical price tag. People were getting killed for them. But no matter if you or everyone else in your neighborhood were rich or poor, you always managed to see plenty of people walking around with them. That’s just how fresh they were. Now after years had passed since the best and most classic models had been released, the Jordan Brand started releasing retros. For people like me whose parents were broke and had better things to spend money on, it’s a chance to go back and cop all of the classic shoes that I always wanted and can now afford. Like me there are hundreds of thousands of people in the same situation. And with the expansion of the sneaker community and culture growing, retro Jordans have become a must have for literally millions of people. They’re so popular that there isn’t enough supply to satisfy the demand when a new heavily anticipated shoe is released so that those searching for a pair have to camp out at malls and stores overnight to have a good enough spot in line to get to the shoes first.

Once again the release of a new sneaker has brought on heated discussions. From one side you have those hating on whoever chooses to purchase the kicks for whatever reason. Personally, I love sneakers. Especially Jordans (most notably the Air Jordan XI, which I consider the greatest shoe ever created). Some people don’t understand why I would spend a couple hundred bucks and go to the mall in the wee hours of the night just to get some shoes. Well you’re not supposed to understand. Copping sneakers just isn’t your thing, but I don’t judge you for that do I? You might think I’m being a follower and only copping the shoes just because everyone else is. Sure, nobody likes a hypebeast and it would be ideal if everyone who copped them did so for the love of the shoe, and not the hype surrounding it. But sometimes, a sneaker is just so fresh that some people have to give into the hype; and I can’t blame for that.

Originally I wanted to go on a rant and bash the people who are bashing the people who bought the Cool Greys but I’m in too good of a mood to let the negativity get to me. Cuz I got mine and luckily I didn’t have to stand in line to get them. Now I’m just gonna walk around the house with them and stare in the mirror at my feet all day. Merry Christmas to me.

Buck Up Pal

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A Thin Line

Maybe some people just mistake our general body structure as a sign of weakness. Perhaps some people envy us and it’s their way of showing their true admiration. It could be that some people think they’re actually giving us compliments, even though them shits is about as back handed as a slap from a pimp in Mississippi. Maybe some people out there are mad because we have great genes, or possibly just jealous because our jeans fit great; I don’t know, but whatever the case is, I’m getting fed up with the universal lack of respect shown towards me and my brothers and sisters. I’m talking about us skinny people. Slim. Thin. Petite for the ladies.

True story. In the wake of my unemployment, I’ve become extremely bored, and finding an actual job is probably gonna take longer than I originally thought. So I decided to keep myself occupied by getting a part time gig. At this part time job this morning, there were a lot of deliveries being made to the store. As I stop to chat with a fellow associate, an older lady, our conversation goes as follows:

Associate: Hey there are a lot of boxes being delivered to the stock room so if you need to go back there, use the door to the right because the other door is blocked

Me: Sure. Ok

Associate: Actually it’s alright. You can probably fit. You’re teenie.

Me: (blank stare)

I’ve been called a lot of things in my life; mostly an asshole. This is probably the one that has offended me the most. I won’t even use the cliché “I’m a grown ass man” to show how uncomfortable and disrespected I felt. No, I’m an adult. There’s nothing “teenie” about me. Except for that one time, but it was cold that night and I had just gotten out the shower, but that’s not the point.

Being part of the HoH movement, my initial urge was to slap her. But she was white, and I’m not sooooo…yeah, probably not a good idea. Upon breaking down the situation, I couldn’t be mad at her. She didn’t know any better. We skinny people have let you “normies” (that’s we call you behind your back) disrespect us far too long, and it’s about time we put a stop to it. Now obviously we can’t do that by force because some people will just choose to sit on us. Literally. Not much more we can do at that point. But to all my fellow skinny people out there, it’s up to us to make sure that we call out those who think they continuously call us out and get away with it.

So the next time someone decides to give you a backwards ass compliment like “You are so skinny,” just smile and say, “Too bad you’re not.” Ladies, when you’re shopping with a friend and she says, “OH EM GEE, I wish I could fit into that, you’re so lucky to be so thin.” Give her a blank stare and say, “you could be too, if you joined a gym and stopped washing your food down with milkshakes.” Is that rude? Yes. A little disrespectful even? Absolutely. But our kind has been putting up with it for decades, and we’re not gonna take it anymore.

My Worst Nightmare

I mean yeah, I technically knew it was always a possibility considering the lakers are the best team in the NBA and are looking to go for a 3-Peat, which seems to be the only way Phil Jackson knows how to win championships. True enough, there are tons of bandwagon jumpers who come out of the wood works every year and claim to be lakers fans, but I never thought anyone with Austin blood in him would fall victim to the hype. We are Bulls for life; from my little big brother to my big little brother. Let me start by saying that I absolutely hate everything about the lakers. If every player simultaneously tore his ACL mid game, I would literally celebrate. Sure there are other teams that I hate. UT Football…can’t stand em. Dallas Cowbitches…seriously how can you root for a team where the owner looks like a corpse (that goes triple for Raiders fans)? But the lakers? I hate them 20 times more. So imagine my horror when I first learned that my step dad has been trying to coerce my only nephew into being a lakers fan. My heart broke when I heard him repeating some ridiculous chant my step dad made up. I almost wanted to fight my mother because she bought him a lakers short set.

Now, the little bastard (no offense) is playing little league basketball for the first time. I was kinda relieved when my brother said that he would be coaching him. I figured that he would instill some good basketball values in the kid and, whether through manipulation or brainwashing, whichever works best, turn him into a Bulls fan. Just my luck that the team assignments were handed out and guess what team my nephew is playing for? Guess what team my brother has to coach? Guess what team name they have to cheer for and call out whenever they break a team huddle? The motherf*ckin lakers. Why bad things happen to good people like me, I’ll never know. I do know one thing though. My brother better do whatever it takes to prevent what seems to be the inevitable at this point. Don’t feed him. Spank him for the hell of it. Lock him in his room. I really don’t care. Don’t get me wrong here; I love my nephew more than anything in this world. Nothing will ever change that. It’s just….it’s not that I’ll love him less if he’s a lakers fan, it’s just that I’ll love him more if he’s a Bulls fan.

Common Interests

You know what really grinds my gears? When a woman says that men are only interested in one thing. Is it true most of the time? Yeah probably. Here’s the problem I have with it though. It’s usually the women who’ve had that one thing taken from them from some guy (after which he drops her) that are yelling it from the mountain tops. And then other women start to believe it, and it messes it up for the rest of us. Well you know what I think? No, all guys are not only interested in one thing. It could be that the guy you’re talking to is only interested in one thing because you offer nothing else to interest him. If you have the conversation skills of a 5th grader, but you still look like Melyssa Ford, of course I still wanna have sex with you. But what else am I supposed to do with you?

So consider this a PSA, ladies. Step your personality game up. And if the guy still only wants that one thing from you…oh well. I tried to help. My job here is done.

A Tale of Two Coons

Have you ever met two people who are two opposite sides of the spectrum that they begin to look like the same person? That’s what comes to mind whenever I think about Tyler Perry and Sarah Palin. If both of them somehow fell off the face of the earth, I don’t think any sensible person would care at all. Keyword: sensible. Could that be the reason why these two are successful as they are? Take a closer look and you’ll notice that they are pretty much one in the same. Follow me….

They are both very rich. Tyler Perry has made bookoo money by turning his “religious” plays into a lucrative movie career as well as a couple spinoff tv shows. Palin has somehow went from an Alaskan hillbilly governor to the Vice Presidential nominee to a reality tv star and best-selling author. I know what you’re probably thinking. Who the hell is paying for this bullshit? This brings me to my next point

They dumb down their messages to what their audiences want to hear. Tyler Perry, for example, will have you believe that every dark skinned man that marries a dark skinned woman will have an affair with a fair skinned black woman or even, God forbid, a white woman. And that heart broken dark skinned woman will find solace by singing random gospel songs and screaming “Lawd Jeezus” over and over; she’ll eventually find true happiness with Shamar Moore or Boris Kodjoe. Sarah Palin on the other hand….well she’s just dumb. I don’t think she really knows any better. Much like the majority of the American public.

They’ve both attained their respective wealth from targeting an audience made up of one racial group with very little to no crossover appeal. I have a few white friends, but none of them have ever mentioned to me that they want/have been/are going to see a Tyler Perry movie. Except Whitey of course, but he’s marrying a black woman, so he doesn’t have much of a choice. Sarah Palin on the other hand targets true, red blooded Americans who are intent on “taking our country back.” Whatever the fuck that means. Oh yeah, back from that black guy.

They both supposedly “speak” for and express the views of a large group of people. Sarah Palin – Ignorant white people. Tyler Perry – Ignorant black people.

See a common theme here? For everyone out there reading this, you too can make it big by targeting a specific race and dumbing everything down to the lowest-common denominator. Now go out there and be somebody