Lameness is a very infectious disease. It can make a person deaf so that he won’t be able to hear the advice that friends and strangers are try to give him in hopes that he will change. It can also leave a man blind to the fact that he has taken a destructive path down a road of turmoil and what should be shame. And those of us who have to deal with the lameness of others are between a rock and a hard place; because if you comment on their lame nature or try to help them out, you’re nothing but a hater. And nobody wants to be the person getting a shout out to “all my hataaaz” on the latest Facebook status update. So at the request of a loyal shoebagger who has apparently run into an onslaught of lame dudes, we were asked to prepare a guide to help transform these guys into normal human beings. That task is one that will take a book or two to be achieved. What I can do, however, is highlight some of the qualities that lames will exhibit in their natural habitats so that they can be avoided.
Before we go further, let’s not confuse the lame with the simp. Although simps automatically qualify for being a lame, there are many other lames who would not fit the description of a simp. For example, that group of guys in the middle of the dance floor reenacting Saturday Night Fever throughout the whole night…lame. My question is how do these guys even have the energy and stamina to do this? Did they sneak Gatorade into the club or something? It’s all good that some people like to dance, even if it’s a bit too much. I mean, nobody likes being at a club where everybody is just too cool to dance. But I’ve seen some of these cats go at it from the time they step through the door until they shut the place down. And I know that’s a long time because they got there before me, and I went early because I can’t really afford to pay to get into a lot of places these days. I don’t know if these guys realize the image that they project when they stand with a group of their friends and dance all night. Basically what you’re saying is that you’d rather dance with your other male friends as opposed to talking to or, God forbid, even dancing with a woman. Let that sink in for a second. I’m not necessarily insinuating anything, but I can say that I don’t know any straight male friends who go to a club/bar/lounge/party to JUST dance.
Another dimension of lameness is shown by those cats who try a little too hard to impress women, especially those who do so by the way they dress. Not to say that they’re any lamer than the obviously lame guys who don’t even try to dress nice just off of GP. We all know about the type walking around with throwed collar syndrome and bummy shoes. However, we shouldn’t exclude the guys who give a little too much extra effort. They don’t get a pass either. For instance, someone wearing a 3 piece suit in a bar. There are only a few reasons anyone should be wearing a suit in a club/bar or whatever: If it’s happy hour and he just got off of work, he’s the manager or is promoting an event, or if he’s there in a celebratory manner and maybe he just came from a nice dinner. Otherwise, bring it down to a level 2. Another way to spot these lames is to pay attention to the accessories he wears. For instance, chances are if you see a guy wearing an ascot, he’s trying too hard. Especially if that ascot is tied incorrectly, then it’s just sad…in a hilarious sort of way. One of the biggest offenders will be the guy who wears colored stud earrings. One of my homegirls told me she was actually approached by a dude wearing pearl studs. Well Skee-Wee then. Why didn’t any of his friends tell him that this was a bad idea before he left the house? I’m all for finding creative ways to express you individuality, but a line has to be drawn somewhere.
Another way to spot a lame guy is if you notice he’s going the extra mile to “holla” but just doesn't have what it takes. It may be the dude that thinks it's appropriate to yell at a woman or pull on her arm in hopes to engage in her a conversation. If you're not in college anymore, learn how to approach a woman appropriately. This could also be the guy that you’ve already told no on more than one occasion. He’s still trying, because even though his looks, personality or conversational skills failed him the first four times, he feels he may have the perfect way to break the ice this time. And you know how women have resorted to get away from this guy? They buy fake jewelry that looks like an engagement ring so that they can lie and say they’re about to get married. And finally, you have those who take a more subtle approach. Like maybe there’s a guy who has wanted to talk to you for a while now, and you see him standing against the wall staring at you on some stalker type shit, but he never says anything. But one day he’ll have saved his money and will reserve a table and a bottle. This will give him the “swagger” and confidence he needs to approach you. Because lame guys believe that the only way to get a woman is to impress her with the bottles that he paid for on his Rush Card. No hate though. He’ll still pull a few hoodrats that night because those hoes just don’t know any better. And in the words of my illustrious big brother, “At the end of the night, it’s all about results, Bro.”
Good luck ladies, that’s about all I can do for now until I get my book published.
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