Here...Damn, are you happy now?

She's been bugging me for weeks to post this...geez!!!


In an age where girls will put on Mr. Potato Head type removable hair (lacefront wigs in any incarnation) in an effort to imitate their favorite celebrities, I really can’t blame guys for lumping us all into one group. Factor in the “ooooh, girl you so different” chicks in their Urban Outfitters and American Apparel and even the “non-mainstream” is pretty mainstream. So, while I hate base generalizations and the inherent assumptions, some generalizations are based in truth and actually can save you a lot of time. For me, there are a few things that everybody does that I can’t stand but here are the top 5 things “all girls” do that really grind my gears. Obviously, there are exceptions so let’s not get all unduly indignant, overly defensive, lamely sarcastic, or generally offended (or do, cuz me and B are gonna laugh at you later either way).

1. Cuddle
Dude. Cuddling is really just not my thing. I’m a very affectionate person so I can be really touchy feely sometimes, but cuddling is really pushing it. I actually had a boo that enjoyed cuddling so much, I had to institute daily cuddle limits. And just to put the shit on the cookie, he really liked cuddling after sex. Now that is just too damn far. Before you call me a callous ice bitch, let me explain; I have a hot body. Not like I have a nice ATWR (I do) and big hoots (I don’t), but like my body temperature is high. After a little carnal interaction, there are very few things I can think of that are LESS appealing than cuddling. Given the position we were in for our little bedroom romp, I think a little space shouldn’t be objectionable.

2. Go through their significant other’s phone
I really hate this ish, man. I just don’t get it. If you feel the need to go through your man’s phone, I have to wonder why you don’t feel the need to get a new man. Plus, what are you looking for anyway? Do you expect to find Tiger Woods-esque text messages or Shaq-like emails?? Once again, if you expect to find it, you probably shouldn’t be in the relationship in the first place plus you’re liable to turn a text to his MOTHER into some far-stretched innuendo. I feel like this is one of those situations where an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. To put it more plainly, how bout you spend more time making him happy and not pissing him off BEFORE so you don’t feel the need to go through his phone later. M’kay, cupcake? Moving on…

3. Hate on interracial relationships
Look man, he’s not with you. Period. I know this is a touchy subject but ish just needs to be said. Now this doesn’t apply to guys who don’t date one group because the females “ALL” allegedly possess some characteristic; those guys are just dummies with piss poor judgment and probably minimal game and you should probably question your attraction to them. For the most part though, I don’t think dudes go out looking for an “other”, the shit just happens. Maybe “other” is always at the same bar as him, maybe she works with him, hell, maybe she just told him straight up she was feeling him and didn’t play any childish games or try to go through his phone when he wasn’t looking (yea, I’m talking about YOU). Either way, he’s with her, not you and even if he weren’t with an “other”, given how judgmental and bitter some women can be about this, he probably STILL wouldn’t want to be with you because, well, you’re kinda mean. Just sayin…

4. Say they only hang out with guys
Ladies, please stop saying this. It sounds silly. I’m sorry. I know I just hurt some feelings and Im probably getting some mean ass side-eyes, but this is nothing more than honest truth. I know this is only my 2nd post but I feel close to you already so I have no problems admitting that I used to be THAT girl. I only hung out with dudes because girls were too much drama, blah, blah, blah. Eventually, though, I had to be honest with myself and realize how absolutely ridiculous that is. STOP HANGING OUT WITH DRAMA-FULL GIRLS!!! Of course you only hang out with guys; only guys will tolerate you in hopes of getting some. For the most part, that male “bff” is trying to get in your pants. Get a girlfriend so that young man can get a break (and some ass). I’ve also noticed that most of the girls who say this are emotionally unstable, slightly delusional and/or attention needy (Case in point, Camille Grammer of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). Having relationships with females is necessary to full development as a woman thus the lack thereof is usually perceived by men as a red flag for craziness, clinginess, or trifling-ho-bag-ness and is usually a red flag for craziness, clinginess, or trifling-ho-bag-ness.

5. Catch feelings
If a dude says, “I’m just tryna smash,” what he really means is, “Why are you talking? I just wanna smash.” PERIOD. No exceptions. Hey man, sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t. That was easy*.

Clearly, ALL girls don’t do these things just like all guys don’t do the things in my last post and any assertion that they do or that I was in some way insinuating such is purest folly. I just felt these issues were widespread enough to warrant concern. What can I say? I’m altruistic and shit. You’re welcome.




*Being the garrulous and loquacious individual I am, I could embark on an eloquent soliloquy enumerating the numerous deleterious effects of fostering undue sentiments inconsistent with the assigned import of a situation, however personal experience and age have made it abundantly apparent that said unnecessary expenditure of my vocabulary would only detract from the gravity and candor of my statement.